Tough Love New Orleans – Episode 5 – Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby

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Lots of shocking announcements this week. Tiffany was ousted, sure, but Elizabeth is opposed to masturbating! I mean. That’s a lot to absorb in one episode.

“When I started working with Tiffany at bootcamp, I just thought she embellished stories to make herself look better,” Steve says at the beginning of this week’s episode. But he’s learned some shocking facts that are about to turn this season on its head. Tiffany already lied about her age and the fact that she has three children, and she’s sworn that there’s nothing else she’s withholding from Steve. But once again, Steve begs her to just come clean in case there’s any other information he needs to know. “I’m not just gonna tell you every single detail of my life,” she says.

When Steve asks her if the date June 28 means anything to her, she reluctantly acknowledges that that was her wedding date, although she’s a little shaky on the details of what year that went down.

“Who would come on a dating bootcamp if you’re married already?” Danielle asks. “Married!”

“Why does that matter??” Tiffany yells at Steve. Am I in bizarro world? Why doesn’t this woman understand why that matters? Then she says, after Steve shows her a Facebook photo on her husband’s page, “We’re not married.” Steve tells her that he’s spoken to her family, her friends, and her maid of honor, and they all corroborate the story that, yep, she’s married. “Honestly, you need professional help,” Steve tells her. “I’ve had enough. I gave you a chance. You blew it. Pack up your stuff, say goodbye, and get out.”

Danielle speaks for us all when she asks “Is this for real?”

It’s for real, and without another word to anyone, Tiffany packs her things and wheels her bag down Bourbon Street and into oblivion.

Now that that’s over with, on to more sexy matters. The remaining women in the cast have been invited on Steve’s radio show to talk sex.

Melissa is worried because she doesn’t think anyone wants to hear what a virgin has to say about sex, but the point of this exercise is to have the women dish out advice and then make them realize that they should probably take it themselves. A couple of the women give insightful, truthful answers about sex and how it affects relationships, but Elizabeth turns out to be the worst advice-giver ever. She tells one caller that you can recognize a real relationship if your man brings you flowers and orders your meals for you (we’re still hung up on that??) and she tells another caller that she doesn’t believe in masturbation, so using a vibrator goes against what she believes in. “Some of my best sexual experiences have been alone,” Donna cries. “To hear that a woman is not doing that makes me so sad!”

But what it comes down to is that Elizabeth isn’t sure she’s ever orgasmed.

Theeeere it is.

“I think I’ve done once, I’m not even sure 100%,” she tells Steve. Steve tells Melissa that she and Elizabeth are about on par in terms of experience and Melissa the Virgin actually scoffs now that she knows Elizabeth’s secret and says no way. “I’ve been masturbating since I was like three years old!” Melissa says as Elizabeth dry heaves at that thought.

For challenge number two, which is still heavy on the sexy, Steve throws a party for the women and tells them to dress provocatively. Part of this test is how they interpret the word “provocative” so this will be fun. Steve holds Melissa back though and gives her a vinyl, dominatrix-style outfit (“Do I get a whip?” she asks) and says he’s structured the challenge in order for her to shine, plus she’ll get a makeover, and yes, a whip.

As the women await their dates’ arrivals, they’re all incredibly anxious. Some of them will have new dates for the first time, and others will be reunited with past dates, but none of this is easy to handle when you’re dressed in PVC and/or pajamas. They women look sexy but the task is to act sexy too, and on a first date, that’s tough. When Danielle’s date, Rodney, shows up, she hopes he’ll look like Morris Chestnut, and instead, she thinks he looks like Uncle Ben. Whatever sexy that might have existed has gone away with that comparison.

Donna likes her new date Julian (“He smells like a man. It’s turning me on.”),

Stephanie and John are making progress (and making out while handcuffed to each other), and all is going well until Steve comes in and gives them all a series of cards with sex questions that the ladies need to ask and answer “with abandon” at the party. The questions in this game include “What’s your favorite sexual position?” which Melissa answers truthfully (none). Danielle’s date tells her what his favorite is and she’s already bored by Uncle Ben (“Really? Missionary?”). Danielle and Uncle Ben are even less compatible when it comes to frequency — she wants to have sex at least (AT LEAST!!) twice a day (who has the time for that?), while he would be happy to have it a reasonable four times per week. “It actually is painful to go n a date with Uncle Ben. Fail, fail, fail!” she says. She’s not getting long grain or wild with him any time soon.

Elizabeth continues to set herself up for the hot seat by avoiding the questions and acting shocked at every single one. She blushed through the entire process and made such a big stink about sharing her sexual preferences, that it’s clear she views sex as a taboo that’s not to be discussed in public.

At the group session, Steve calls out Despina for her tendency to shut down when emotions and intimacy come up. She can have plenty of sex, but none of it’s meaningful and she admits she doesn’t know what to do when things get serious. “You’d rather live with no one than lose someone,” Steve tells her, correctly positing that the thing she’s most afraid of is letting someone in.

Donna, who did well during the challenges and enjoyed the company of Julian, hears his feedback which is basically that he can tell she’s of child-bearing age and he doesn’t want to disappoint her or give her false hope. He basically does everything but call her an old bag, he just implies in several ways that she’s mature and looking for someone else mature, and it’s not him. She’s devastated.

And yes, Elizabeth ended up in the hot seat. Her inability to be open about sex all goes back to the judgmental attitude she inherited from her mom, it turns out, and she just has these sterile, conservative views of sex that she wants to change but can’t.

She also has a serious attachment to the diamond ring she wears which is a reminder of her past relationship, her love of expensive things, and what she values. In short, she needs to get rid of it, and Steve takes it from her to hold for safe keeping. Her diamonds prove to be a girl’s best friend, but they’re not helping her find a boyfriend, so until she does, she and the diamonds need to take a break.

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