And now we return to the fight that came out of left field, right where we left off last week…
Remember when we thought it would be Nora and Pia who might throw down during girls’ night out? And then we thought it might actually be Renee and Pia? Those were tense times. Turns out we were all wrong and it was actually Pia and Christina who went at it, despite the two of them being close friends who we thought had each others’ backs. No, turns out they were just clawing at each others’ backs.
Norah and Renee can’t actually believe this is happening and they are mortified. And if you were wondering if Pia’s hair is all natural…
…it is not. (“Use your real hair!” Nora hilariously tells Pia as they drive off. “I don’t have any hair, but I still use my real hair.”)
“Once a rat’s daughter, always a rat’s daughter, how ’bout that?” Christina says when their fight is over. Is that what their fight was about? It’s been long enough that I actually don’t remember why these friends (literally, they were friends five minutes ago) just came to blows.
Pia belligerently tells the nine-hundred pound gorilla of a security guard as she’s being kicked out “You think I’m afraida you??” to which the answer should be yes, but she has like a 40 oz. bottle of liquid courage in her, it’s crazy. It doesn’t stop him from booting her from the club.
This fight was humiliation, Nora tells Pia. “Humiliation…with a capital letters..all the way through how it’s spelled.” I love Nora. Never change! “Don’t bring stray dogs into the circle!” Nora continues. Christina is now dead to Pia, so…that’s quite a shift.
Renee and Nora, who were the bystanders in all of this, get together to discuss what’s going to happen, and Renee’s opinion is that Christina was brought into the argument that Nora and Pia had (regarding Nora possibly saying negative stuff about Pia), and when they resolved it and Nora told Christina to stay out of it because it was over and done, Christina got riled up because she was already in it. That makes little sense to me, but that’s what happened.
To really figure things out, Nora tells Renee to call Pia and invite her over to figure out what happened. Renee doesn’t like Pia, so when she calls her, she’s clearly like, blaagghhjehcfvihefvh.
Pia agrees to come over and when she arrives, Renee has this plan to tell her how she feels about her, on top of all the drama that already exists. As soon as Pia steps in the door, Renee tells her “I’m inviting you in my house, I don’t want no problems!” And Pia is rightfully like “Where did that come from?” Renee then tells Pia that what happened last night was “despicable” and “unclassy” and Pia is still like, why am I being berated? I haven’t even been offered coffee yet.
Renee is far from done. “My thing is that I’ve never associated with someone who does what you do.” Pia’s De Niro face says it all:
This face falls somewhere between “Are you talkinamee?” and “I have nipples, can you milk me, Greg?”
“A lot of people talk some nasty stuff about you, they say she has no class,” Renee continues to continue. Seriously, offer this woman some coffee, now you’re just being a rude hostess, Renee. They want Pia to apologize to Christina, or just break things off with her, and Pia explains “Christina is like that pimple on your ass, if you wanna f—ing pop it, you can, but if not, you just leave it because who the f— sees it anyway?”
Christina gets together with Leah to tell her what happened and Leah is totally Team Christina, she thinks Christina was disrespected for being told to stay out of things and for Pia not defending her, and she’s pissed.
“You shoulda hit her with the pole she dances on,” Leah says. Christina believes Pia was the instigator here and she was just defending herself. She also wants that apology from Pia.
Nora’s mission this season, as she explained last week, was to resume (“I think it’s exhume.” — Renee.) her father’s body from it’s grave because the government confiscated it after his death and it was later buried without her knowledge. She needs some closure just to see the body once and for all with her own eyes, so she and Renee head to the cemetery to start her mission off. Except that the cemetery is closed. Oops.
Regardless, this one speedbump is not going to stand in her way. One way or another, she will resume/exhume that body.
Nora makes a separate trip later with Pia to the funeral home to find out what happened to the body and she’s further infuriated when she’s told that someone in her family, probably her sister, told them to bury her dad right away because her family didn’t want to be bothered. This pisses Nora off even more.
Christina, if you recall, is divorced but still living wih her ex, and her nine-year-old daughter has no idea about any of that. So she sees a therapist to explain the situation. The therapist is hilariously taken aback by this reveal.
Christina feels like a bad person for living a lie and the last thing she wants is to hurt her daughter. The therapist is similarly surprised when Christina tells her she was in a physical fight with Pia and she’s basically like “And what was THAT like?” The therapist tells her she just needs to have a conversation with Pia, no apologies, no blaming, and that sounds great. Until…
It turns out Pia and Nora deleted Christina from their Facebook, and since were 13 and not 40, even though we look it, this is a biiiiggggg deal to Christina. She thinks Nora and Pia are in cahoots with each other and are against her now. “Jesocrist,” as Leah would say.
There’s no love lost between Leah and Nora, we find out now. Leah tells us about the time Nora came to a neighborhood gathering and was super disrespectful to Leah while she was there. So Leah is ready to bare her teeth to Nora if Christina says the word, and all of a sudden, the number of beefs on this show ticks up a notch.
Renee is going through some personal issues of her own because she tells her eldest daughter Giana that she’s being taken to court by her ex-husband, who wants full custody of Isabella, Renee’s ten-year-old. Renee’s track record with men is terrible, she admits, because Giana’s dad is in prison for murder, and they recently fought over Giana wanting to visit him. This woman needs Christian Mingle like, stat.
After the custody hearing, Renee breaks down in Nora’s arms, telling her that her case isn’t looking good, she fears that she’ll lose Isabella.
“I’m a good person, I don’t even have a traffic ticket. How does a felon take my daughter?” she weeps.
Christina invites Nora out for an uncomfortable chat about where they stand as friends since Christina doesn’t appreciate being Facebook-defriended. When Christina asks Nora about that, Nora replies “It’s a glitch. I’m going off Facebook completely.” “Really? Since when does Facebook have a glitch?” Christina replies. Um, have you seen Timeline, girl? That’s a giant f—ing glitch.
Nora may not cop to the Facebook thing, but she tells Christina that she doesn’t appreciate anyone, friend or foe, bringing up her father and perpetuating stories about him. Christina denied ever saying anything, but that’s because she was in a booze haze when she said it (roll tape, it’s all there), but then she says it again to Nora right then. “This is the second time I had to tell Christina not to talk about my dad. The third time, I won’t have to tell her, she won’t know what hit her.”
The Nora tells Christina she acted like an animal attacking Pia that night, and Christina says she was just defending herself. “Christina attacked Pia like a man in a bar coming from a brawl from a truck driver’s…situation,” Nora says. Have I mentioned how much I love Nora’s descriptors?
“If she’s so frickin’ classy why was she swinging Pia’s hair around like she was at a rodeo?” Christina rebuts. Roll tape again, please:
Nora tells Christina she just wants to be acquaintances, that’s it, and Christina thinks that just sounds like a huge waste of time. I disagree, because without this conversation we wouldn’t have gotten so many great quotes. And it also makes Christina and Pia realize they do need to sit down and discuss things.
Here’s how Leah feels about that:
When the two finally meet, Christina thinks Pia is paranoid as she lobs all sorts of accusations her way. Pia tells Christina she wanted to make things right and be friends with Nora first, when she really should have tried to set things straight with Pia first, and she asks why Christina was so pushy the night of their fight. Christina says she was only trying to get Pia to stand up for herself (and then somehow that led to trying to pound her face in, but whatever).
“This friendship is of no consequence to me,” Pia says.
Christina walks out and without saying a word, it’s clear she agrees.