Welcome to the world of Hollywood Exes. In the premiere episode, we met five women with illustrious pedigrees, having been married to some of the biggest stars…ever, really. But this isn’t a show about their ex-husbands, it’s about who these women are, and who they’ve become since they’ve moved on. They’re mothers, models, actresses, dancers, professionals, and bold personalities, but they also provide a support system for one another and are family. Oh, and they get their vaginas rejuvenated when necessary. Let’s meet them.
Andrea Kelly is R. Kelly‘s ex. You know when famous people refer to one another by their nicknames, like Bobby DeNiro, Marty Scorcese, or Angie Jolie? When Andrea calls R. “Robert” it gives me that same feeling, like a jolt of the unfamiliar but obvious. The R. has to stand for something, I guess, why not Robert?
Andrea met Robert (weird!) when she was hired as his choreographer and lead dancer, so she’s built of solid muscle from what we can tell looking at the old footage of her dancing.
The two were together ten years and produced three children (who she calls her love-things, which is something I love-thing). “I had every fur, every Gucci , every Pucci, every Louis, I had it all. But then the flipside of that is our marriage wasn’t widely known to the public.” (Case in point, before the rest of the ladies in the cast meet Andrea, they all tell one another, “I didn’t even know R. Kelly was married!”) Right now, that have no relationship at all. Andrea is moving to L.A. from Chicago to see where her dance company can go out there, and even though she’s apprehensive, she has Tony, her assistant/partner in crime to keep her company. When Andrea starts getting emotional over the fact that she’s moving away from her kids for two months to get situated in California, Tony brings her back to reality with some amazing words of wisdom:
Another reason Andrea can handle her move halfway across the country is because one of her besties Nicole Murphy lives out there, so she’s at least got a small foundation to build on when she moves. Nicole is Eddie Murphy’s ex-wife and has a small clique of friends who all have been in high-profile relationships which is something Andrea is looking forward to infiltrating because she wants to have friends who know what it’s like “to be in that shadow.” It’s a healing process, she says, as well as being the very definition of this show. That’s a coincidence!
Nicole’s turn to talk! Over in L.A. we’re introduced to Nicole who explains that she was married to Eddie for over twelve years and together they had five kids. Though they’ve been divorced for six years, they have a great relationship. Nicole’s biggest adjustment after divorce was having less money. No more private jets, no more Bentleys, just “public planes” (that’s cute) and cooking for herself. She’s currently engaged to Michael Strahan, and she also looks incredible.
I know she’s only in jean shorts, but God, I have never looked this cute while cooking.
The next ex we meet is the beautiful Sheree Fletcher. (It has to be said, all of these women are gorgeous, right?) Sheree was married to Will Smith for three years and is the mother to their son Trey. (Before Jaden was Karate Kidding it up and Willow was whipping her hair, there was Trey, who was featured in the “Just The Two Of Us” video. If you want to feel old, just know that he’s 19 now.) Sheree has known Nicole for almost two decades, and she’s remarried to Terrell Fletcher who’s a pastor in San Diego, and she runs a skin care line. Sheree and Terrell don’t actually live together because she’s based in L.A. but they see each other a few days a week. But when Sheree’s in L.A. hanging with Nicole, one of their favorite things to do is try on diamonds. Obvs.
Mayte Garcia is a dancer, choreographer, and ex-wife of Prince. (She was actually Mrs. The Artist Formerly Known As Prince during his symbol phase, and a member of The New Power Generation.)
Though she no longer speaks to Prince, she gets misty just talking about him. She currently lives in L.A. with her mom and a menagerie of pets, and she’s had a successful acting career. Mayte really wants to be out there in the dating pool, but she needs some help jumping in so she hires a matchmaker to assist. Personally, I think if you already live with this guy, you don’t need anyone else.
Really, he should be the star of the show, don’t you think?
As she’s explaining her relationship history to Samantha the matchmaker, we learn that Mayte also spent a few years dating/engaged to Tommy Lee. So she has a history of involvement with sexually literate but musically diverse men.
Rounding out the wives is Jessica Canseco, who was married to Jose Canseco and has been divorced for eleven years.
They have a fifteen-year-old daughter, Josie, who she’s BFFs with and admits they might be too close (said as Josie pokes her mother in the prosthetic boob).
Jessica owns a cosmetic and medical tattooing business which isn’t something I’d expect. She’s not really looking to date right now, but she also makes it hard for guys not to be intimidated because she explains “If I’m on a date, don’t tell me about your high school championship. I was married to Jose Canseco, you’re not gonna top that.” Jessica met Nicole (it’s now obvious that Nicole is the glue holding this gang together) at Billy Blanks’ Tae Bo studio which is a story I need to hear more about. Jessica’s relationship with Jose is friendly-ish. She was remarried for five years which put a strain on things for a while, but now they’re just trying to co-parent happily and peacefully. It’ll get complicated in a second, don’t worry.
“Trying to keep to real, down to earth, not get too Hollywood fa-boo-boo,” Andrea says now that she’s arrived in Hollywood and has immersed herself in the land of eight-lane highways and aggressive drivers. She might need to get a driver because the traffic is now her mortal enemy.
However, if Andrea wants to remain un-Hollywood fa-boo-boo, she might not be able to wrap her head around the surgical procedure Jessica is about to go in for. Because Jessica is about to drag Nicole with her for support as she receives a vaginal rejuvenation. “It makes everything the same color. It tightens everything on the outside, it looks like a twelve-year-old,” Jessica tells Nicole. And there you have it, the worst endorsement for vaginal rejuvenation ever. Here’s a wordless pictorial of the day’s events.
Then Jessica turns over for some rectal rejuvenation. Nicole, Greek chorus of the show, asks “You’re gonna do your assh— too??”
“If someones going down there, they better be like wow, that’s amazing!” Jessica reasons.
“So do you wanna go to lunch?” Jessica asks Nicole when it’s all over.
“I’ve kinda lost my appetite,” Nicole tells her.
Cue the sad trombone.
Nicole meets with Sheree to discuss how the money in her trust was depleted and now she’s involved in a lawsuit with the bank. It’s emotional for Nicole to discuss but she’s intent on suing and finding her money, but it’s devastating and has ruined her sense of trust in people.
Nicole asks Andrea to meet the girls now that she’s finally in L.A. and Andrea is excited to be pulled into a group of women that have already been vetted and who she really thinks will be a great support system while she’s there. Because she’s not interested in drama or hair-pulling. “I’m not gonna sit here and do that with you,” Andrea tells Tony about the new circle she’s joining. “No. I’m grown. Too grown, honey. We’re talking mortgages and stretchmarks over here, baby, I ain’t got no time to play these kid games with you.”
I like Andrea’s attitude.
Remember how I mentioned that Jose and Jessica’s relationship would get complicated? As soon as she sees him, for the first time in three months, and he wants to sit down to talk about Josie.
“What do you think about us moving in together for Josie’s sake?” Jose asks Jessica. She has no other reaction than to take a sip or twelve of her vodka. In theory it sounds like a great idea, providing a two-parent home for their daughter in the final years before she goes to college, but Jessica wonders “How am I supposed to bring a guy home if Jose’s there?” She really can’t imagine living with her ex again, but for her daughter’s sake she’s willing to think about his offer. But then he’s basically like “So you can find us a nice house to live in, right?> And pay for it?” Which just sounds shady.
Finally, Andrea meets the other women and it feels like the first day of school all over again. But she has that infectious smile on her face when she walks in (not to mention her stretch mark and mortgages conversation prepared if necessary) and everyone welcomes her ball of positive energy.
It turns into a therapy session because even after three years, Andrea’s divorce is still fresh in her mind, and the rest of the women try to guide her and convince her it’ll get better eventually. The metaphorical record scratch at dinner occurs when Jessica later announces that Jose wants to move in together. The women can’t believe Jose’s proposal to move in. (“Honey, they call it ex for a reason,” Andrea says.)
After dinner at a little friends and family gathering, Jose shows up and starts making comments about Jessica’s outfit which makes everyone a little wary of him. To get him off her back, Jessica suggests to Mayte that she go flirt with him, to which Mayte replies (not to Jessica’s face) “I’d rather eat dogs—.”
The women might be bonding, but there’s some slight friction (in addition to Mayte’s comment above), especially when Sheree asks the group to pray before dinner and refuses to take a shot with the girls. Jessica senses some holier-than-thou-ness, but as Sheree explains “I woke up with a tattoo on my butt behind some tequila drinking about fifteen years ago, so I don’t do tequila.” Makes sense.
The ladies dance and enjoy themselves , but no one can ignore that Jessica is enjoying herself under Jose’s watchful eye. “He’s clearly in love with her, still,” Nicole observes.
“I’m thinking, oh God, this is not going to end well.” But at least it’s started off well.