The ladies get to know each other a bit better this week. Andrea and Mayte bond, Nicole introduces us to her mom, and Jessica needs to get a little God in her life…if it were up to Sheree.
Last week was all about a few of the more typical situations a Hollywood Ex might find herself in: maneuvering through eight-lane highways, getting laser surgery to rejuvenate your hoo-ha. This week, Sheree takes Andrea out for another typical L.A. experience, the Cupcake ATM. Yes, it’s a thing, and yes, I am so doing it on my next trip out there. “Shut the do’ and check yo’ email, that’s how y’all get cupcakes in L.A.?” Andrea asks.
Andrea is still trying to talk things through with her new friends, so after making her cupcake withdrawal, she sits with Sheree to discuss life, post-divorce. Andrea explains “A lot of people thought Robert (R. Kelly) wanted our marriage to be a secret, which makes you feel like you don’t even exist. It’s even harder when you’re out in public with your own husband and people kinda push you out of the way. That’s hard.”
Sheree deduces that Robert just worried about his public image and didn’t want to put a wife and family out there, but she senses there were other issues at play, too.
Over in Jessica‘s world, she’s focused on her daughter Josie who, at the age of 15 has a boyfriend and is able to talk openly with her mother about him.
Jessica worries that Josie is staying with her boyfriend because she needs a surrogate male in her life, since her father and step-father aren’t around. But Josie tells Jessica that she’s used to losing people in her life which makes Jessica sad and she thinks more seriously about Jose’s proposition to all move in together so Josie can have her father back. When she tells Josie about that plan, Josie can see right through it. Jessica says they’d live together as just friends and Josie tells her “That’s such bulls—. He loves you.” But she does find the idea of making their family whole enticing. Jessica knows that Jose is out of work and needs a place to live and breaks down knowing that she can’t turn her back on him.
Hold the phone while we meet yet another Hollywood ex (an unofficial one, really), Manuela. She’s Prince’s second ex-wife and she’s friends with Mayte. This sounds like a spin-off waiting to happen, to be honest. Manuela is remarried to Eric Benet and has a three-month-old daughter, and shares the pictures of her baby with Mayte.
Mayte is thrilled for her friend but it’s clear that she longs to be a mother and tells the devastating story of losing two pregnancies. Mayte longs for a a baby and, more importantly, a father to said baby. “Where is he??” she asks.
Nicole introduces us to her mom, Ellen, “A cute little British white woman,” she explains, which, hello, not expecting any of that. During a trip to the hair salon, Ellen grills Nicole about when she’s getting re-married. Not really a topic Nicole wants to discuss, but that’s mothers for you. Nicole broaches the subject of, what else, vagina rejuvenation surgery (we should be running a ticker along the blog to see how often this subject gets mentioned this season), and her mother is totally thrown off. “‘agina? What they do? Stitch it up?” she asks Britishly. When Nicole explains it’s done with lasers and it plumps up your nether regions, her mom (who is also spin-off worthy) asks “Now why would I want that plumped up? I got cobwebs up there.”
“Does it get all wrinkly down there?” Nicole asks HER MOTHER. “Get a mirror, ‘ave a look,” her mother sasses back. WHAT AM I WATCHING??? Oh right, the greatest scene in television history.
So Andrea has finally found a house to live in in the Hollywood Hills, and she’ll be bunking with her assistant/gay bestie Tony. She’s excited to be in her new digs and when Nicole comes over, she tells her that she plans to throw a little party.
To which I ask, “May I be invited?” This house is awesome, high in the hills with an amazing view of L.A.
Sheree goes out with Jessica and Nicole as a sort of intervention: she wants to prevent Jessica from making a huge mistake letting Jose move back in with her. The ladies, like Josie, can smell the BS from a mile away, and don’t believe that Jessica is considering the move-in solely for her daughter’s sake, they all think she wants a second chance with her ex, which she denies. “I appreciate the honesty,” Jessica says.
She wants her friends to give it to her straight, and she’s definitely getting that. The best solution, in Jessica’s opinion, is getting a new home with a guest house for Jose.
Last time, Mayte told us she was using a matchmaker to meet new men. This week, we learn this matchmaker hates animals and mothers, and tells Mayte to keep her home clear of both the first time she meets a new date.
Which is too bad because Mayte cohabitates with nine pets and one mother, Nelly. She basically tells Mayte her mother should never be around when Mayte meets a man. Sorry but anyone that looks at anyone else’s mother with that much disdain can eat it. “For her to come in and say that, it’s like hey, who lives here? That was insulting,” Nelly says.
The matchmaker makes a decent point though when she points out the china cabinet full of dishes and cups (her wedding china, she explains) with the Prince symbol emblazoned on them, which sort of makes it look like Mayte is hung up on her ex. (But can you imagine how much those would go for on eBay?)
The final criticism that the matchmaker gives Mayte is about her soap. Mayte loves a soap called Fabuloso that only comes in purple liquid form.
The matchmaker makes the leap that a man wold be scared off because of the SUPER OBVIOUS “Purple Rain” connotations the soap gives off. At that point I’d be firing this woman but Mayte is too kind to do that. “As much as I don’t agree with this matchmaker, I’m going to give her one try,” Mayte generously explains.
Continuing this show’s trend of discussing the wrinkliness of private parts, Nicole and Jessica hang out and start talking about surgical procedures to combat signs of aging, like getting Botox on ear wrinkles and, in the case of men, sagging balls. And then we learn everything we ever wanted to know about the effect of steroids on a ball sack. “There’s nothing worse than a saggy scrotum,” Jessica says.
“Jose doesn’t have saggy balls because he took steroids and it like, shrinked them up, they were so tight. You know how they’re like walnuts in there? He has like, one peanut. Your walnuts have turned into one peanut.” There you have it, world. So now you can visualize Jose Canseco’s Mr. Peanut, minus the cane and monocle.
In less shriveled news, Andrea and Mayte have totally hit it off. Andrea says it feels like they were friends in another life, so they get together to sip some wine, talk about their love of dancing and do the girl thing.
They basically share the same story (“We both started out as their dancers, then you make that transition from employee to fiancee to wife,” Andrea says) so they share a serious bond. Since they’re moth trying to move on and find new men, Mayte talks about how she went salsa dancing and was enjoying the attention from men on the dance floor, to which Andrea says “Don’t that dancing turn an ogre into a man?” which is the best thing ever. Andrea breaks down in what seems like combined tears of sadness and joy, because she’s made it “to the other side” and survived her breakup, but she’s also found a kindred spirit in Mayte. As Mayte listens and cried along with her, I just wish a set designer had thought to push their chairs a little closer together to make it easier for her to comfort Andrea.
For Andrea’s big welcome to the neighborhood party, she makes it a Wigging Out party where everyone has to wear a wig and become a character. Tonight, Andrea will be playing the role of Flodeene. Being Flodeene is a state of mind, as is the ghetto spaghetti she prepares.
P.S. The recipe for ghetto spaghetti is as follows:
Ghetto spaghetti’s disclaimer is: “If you wasn’t diabetic, you gonna be one when you’re done eating this!”
The party is going great (although people are less in character than Andrea would like, but whatever), and Jessica brings the vagina rejuvenation discussion tally to three when she brings the subject up again. Nicole explains to the group what the procedure entails, and Sheree responds “I didn’t even know you could rejuvenate a vagina!”
Sheree wonders why someone would need this surgery done when it’s her understanding that men don’t really care what it looks like. “That’s ’cause you’re dating a black guy!” Jessica says. Cue the cliche record scratch.
“I hear black guys don’t go down on women,” she continues. “That’s garbage. That’s not true,” Nicole tells us. “Jessica needs Jesus,” Sheree says. But she’s not gonna get him. However, she is about to get Jose.
Jessica calls her ex to give him an answer to his request to move in and however reluctantly, she agrees to it against her friends’ better judgment. “I cannot believe I agreed to this,” she says. Neither can we. Is this all just a huge mistake?