Well, nobody except for Nora.
But before we get to that, the episode starts when Nora, who managed to escape her fight with Renee last week unscathed (aside from a few fingers pointed in her face and one hair-pull), tells Pia what happened. Hilariously, during her re-telling, she glosses ever-so-lightly over the fact that she swung at Renee and basically punched her in the face, and Pia’s not about to let her move beyond that point in the story so quickly. So Nora retraces her steps and explains the entire situation from finger points to swinging fists and Pia can’t believe any of it.
“She’s done in my books,” Nora says of Renee. But everyone on this show says that about everyone else, so who knows?
The next time Nora and Pia meet, Renee is all Nora is able to talk about…again. Pia’s really tired of it and tells Nora to stop thinking about her, but Nora is seriously wound up. Pia finally snaps and tells Nora to leave Renee in the gutter and forget her.
Pia is annoyed most of all by Nora’s “obsession with this fictitious friendship,” and its driving a wedge between them.
We know Leah and her father are incredibly close, but this week we also meet her mom, Jacquie. She’s close to her mother, too, even though she lived with her dad when she grew up, and she was devastated to find out recently that her mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. Leah is one devoted daughter and she has vowed to take care of her mother no matter what, but her mom has a positive outlook and tells her “Life goes on.” She’s not about to sit around and wait for bad things to happen, she’s still out there living her life to the fullest. “Be strong for me. I don’t wanna see tears,” her mom tells her.
“Knowing my mother is such a strong woman, we’re gonna f—ing beat this cancer,” Leah says.
It’s tough to remember that Renee isn’t enemies with everyone on this show. Not yet, anyway. She meets with Christina to go fabric shopping (apparently Christina has latent fashion designer abilities and is making Renee a dress) and as they look at swatches, Renee tells Christina about the fight with Nora. She leaves out everything about why she and Nora were meeting in the first place (funny how these ladies are very selective when they tell their stories, huh?) but she never mentions that Nora was laying out all the ways Renee upset her, instead just telling Christina that Nora hit her.
Christina sides with Renee since it was Nora who threw the first punch.
Christina has more important drama to deal with though, because she tells her therapist that her plan to keep her divorce a secret from her daughter has backfired. Someone in the neighborhood told her daughter that Christina and her husband were divorced, and when her daughter confronted her, Christina had to come clean, finally. But now her daughter doesn’t understand why she was lied to.
You know her therapist is trying hard not to be all “I told you so,” but in this case, it’s a pretty ginormous, obvious “I told you so.”
“I guess I didn’t look at it as lying,” Christina says, crying. But now she fears she’s ruined the trust she had with her daughter. But now that she knows, Christina feels a huge sense of relief and she’s ready to just roll with it and move on.
Renee’s family saga continues now that her daughter Giana plans to go visit her father who’s in prison for murder. Renee tried to talk Giana out of it in the very first episode, but Giana plans to go and she doesn’t think it’s a good idea for Renee to come along.
“You guys would just sit there and bicker…I couldn’t handle it,” Giana says. Renee can’t believe Giana would think this would happen, but hello, have we seen how every situation Renee has been in thus far has ended? Giana has a point. “There’s no way in hell it’s gonna turn out good.” Giana says she actually has nightmares about this very scenario, and since she really does love her dad and she wants to see him to catch up and have a good time, it sounds like Renee coming along would make the situation way too tense.
Giana asks her BFF Marco what his take on the situation is, he nails it by saying that Renee might be jealous of the connection Giana has with her dad. It’s a connection Renee never really had with him because he was out being a lowlife when they were together and he was never there for her, but he’s there, at least for a few minutes a week, via pre-paid phone call, for Giana. “She wants me to be mad at him, and I don’t feel that,” Giana says.
Nora, meanwhile has been planning a birthday bash for herself that involves getting some friends together and taking them on a party bus to an undisclosed location. Everyone except for Renee is invited. Leah and Christina barely know Nora so they’re both perplexed about a) why they’re even going and b) what to get her. “If I could buy Nora anything, I’d buy her some common sense,” Leah says.
When the time comes, they all board the party bus for a day they’ll never forget. The first conversation on board revolves around letting men buy them gifts. Pia is all for it, but Nora has some specific thoughts on letting men buy her things, especially if it means that accepting gifts sends the wrong kind of message to a man.
Yup. She went there. I know, Leah can’t believe it either.
Leah informs the girls that she’s a bit of a prude when it comes to this kind of sexual conversation and I love her for that. And just when you thought the bus ride couldn’t get more awkward, they pull up to a go kart facility. This is what Nora planed for her birthday, and no one gets it. “I just wanted to keep it a secret because it was something different,” Nora explains. It’s also something Pia can’t participate in because, since she just had her boobs redone, she can’t risk any go-kart-related popping.
The ladies prove to be the world’s slowest kart-racers ever, and Leah cannot for the life of her figure out why Nora picked this place for her birthday celebration. Pia has a simple explanation.
When it’s time for cake, Nora tells the saddest story ever of one birthday party she had as a child where no one showed up. “That’ll stick with you,” Christina says, and Nora says the reason for the go-karting and the kid theme is that this is the party she never had as a kid. It all makes sense now, and all the ladies start to realize that Nora is really just like a little girl deep down, trapped in a woman’s body.
They were having so much fun at Nora’s party that Christina announces that she wants to throw a big party for everyone, including Renee. And then the Renee floodgates open for Nora. She starts trashing Renee and again, but when Christina extends an invite to Renee, she trashes Nora right back and hates the idea of looking “at Nora’s ugly face” at this party.
“Next time Renee and Nora meet up, they’re gonna kill each other,” Christina says. And yet she still wants their next encounter to be at her party. Sigh.
Pia and Nora go to a gym where no one else goes (sign me up, my gym is always crowded), and Pia tells Nora she should go to Christina’s party and if she doesn’t, it’ll hurt Christina’s feelings.
Look, I know these women need to be assembled in order for drama to happen, but Pia is just guilting Nora into going somewhere and we all know baaaddd s— is going to happen there. Sigh again. Pia tries to commiserate with Nora explaining that they both have problems with Renee, but Pia still plans to go to the party, and Nora’s like “Yeah, but my problem is different from your problem.” She then continues to do some rage leg-lifts.
Nora says Renee doesn’t like Pia because of her stripping, but Pia thinks Renee has actually heard things from Nora that go deeper. (“Clearly Renee doesn’t like me because of Nora’s mouth.”) Pia then points out that if Renee has such a big problem with stripping, she shouldn’t be friends with Nora either, because once upon a time, Nora danced to put herself through school. “I’ve been keeping this secret for Nora, which is she danced too…Why am I being chastised?” Pia asks. Well, Nora’s glad you asked, Pia. The difference is that Nora never “had extras special clients” who get b— j—s from her. Whoa. That’s quite the accusation.
“Nobody calls me a whore,” Pia says. And with this conversation, the battle between Nora and Pia is on…again.