Hollywood Exes – Episode 4 – Escape To Napa


Hollywood Exes Recap
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the fist ever girls trip in the history of reality TV where everyone returned with their friendships intact. It’s a miracle. Thank you, Hollywood Exes. Thank you.

The ladies are off to Napa this week, but before they fly up to Northern California, a few of them have some personal issues to deal with. First up, Nicole and her lawsuit.

“I’m suing a lot of people right now because I’m on a mission to get this money back,” Nicole explains, catching us up on her financial woes that she talked about in the pilot of Hollywood Exes. Nicole set up a trust and then realized that people close to her started leeching money out of it, so she’s stressed over this lawsuit and really hopes it doesn’t drag on too long.

Sheree and Mayte learned from Jessica last week that Jose is bailing on his plans to move in with her and Josie, so the ladies head over to Andrea‘s to tell her the news, and she can’t believe it.

This annoys Jessica because fathers are “the example of what your daughter is going to go after,” and Andrea worries about this pattern of men who come and go as the please and just hopes Josie doesn’t fall into it. But the girls dpn’t come bearing only bad news. Mayte informs the girls that her friend (of a friend…who knows this guy who knows a kid who saw Ferris pass out at 31 Flavors last night) owns a vineyard in Napa Valley, and the ladies will be flying private up to Northern California for a wine tasting. “The closest you get to a vineyard in Chicago is the 24-our liquor store on King Drive,” Andrea laughs.

So off they go on their girls’ trip to Napa, except that Andrea has a teensy fear of flying. “That take-off wigs me all the way out,” she explains. So before takeoff, she says a little prayer, just in case anything bad should happen.

“Keep praying, keep drinking,” she says. “I know the two don’t go together, but honey, you’re talking to a sinner and a saint and she got to get to Napa.”

While on the plane, all the women have…I’ll say it, a pretty bougie conversation about flying on private jets. Of course it’s to be expected when you (or your ex) has the means to do it, but as someone who’s never even flown first class, it’s an annoying conversation to watch, mostly because it’s a conversation I’ll never have. (Contrary to popular belief, bloggers rarely fly private.)

After Andrea relaxes, she says that her dream is to find a nice chubby white man

sorry, vanilla man, in Napa to settle down with. A man with a baby arm. “You know, baby arm. That’s what I call a big schlonger,” she explains to an incredulous Sheree.

Sheree, bless her, has her own demure way of doing things and it contrasts sometimes with the other ladies. Before dinner on their first night in Napa, she clears her throat when the ladies reach for their bread without having prayed first. They laugh about it but later, Nicole asks “Do I have to pray before I get my Tic Tac?” “You can’t even have a grain of salt,” Andrea jokes. “You better pray over that salt.”

Sheree is also scandalized by the sex talk at the table, and when Jessica calls her a prude because she’s a preacher’s wife, Sheree unintentionally lets her guard down to let them all know that Terrell gets it in okay.

And then she’s totally mortified again. “I have sinned!” she proclaims.

The conversation swings to Jose and Jessica, because Jose has already told her he’s planning to move to Boston, but their daughter Josie doesn’t know. All the ladies think Jose needs to take that responsibility on himself, and Sheree tells Jessica to call Jose and make him do that ASAP. She calls him the next day.

He manages to turn the situation around on her, telling her she never formally told him he could move back in with her, and she gets annoyed and wants to just be done with the whole thing.

To get Jessica’s mind off Jose, the ladies go to a vineyard for a wine tasting and meet Jean-Charles (J.C. for short, so you know Sheree will like him) but really, all the women are smitten with him.

Mayte loves him too, because part of his winery is pet friendly and you know Mayte and her pet store at home. “This guy has a dog winery? He’s handsome, charming, and no wedding ring? I mean, REALLY?” Mayte asks.

They taste some vintages, have some lunch and are basically in wine heaven. The conversation turns again to their post-divorce financial situations, and while most of them don’t fly private planes anymore, they have a lot more to worry about with their bills and insurance and rescinded Gucci discounts and “You just can’t shop the way you used to shop anymore,” Nicole says. Which is why Jessica points out how lucky and fortunate they all are to be on this particular trip with its jets and celebrity chefs and dog wineries.

J.C. invites them back for dinner and dessert in the more decadent rooms of the winery. (“The red room is not to be played with,” Andrea says. “As soon as I walked in the room I was like, oop, I’m pregnant. That room is so sexy.”)

Mayte still has visions of her wedding to J.C dancing in her head, when he drops a bomb that he’s married. Booo! It’s okay though, Andrea, who’s also smitten, has a plan to go to wherever J.C. is from and find a man just like him.

As they close out their Napa trip, it was just the diversion from real life that they all needed. “Sometimes you just need to get away,” Sheree says. “This gives a whole new meaning to good wine and good friends,” Andrea toasts. Back to reality next week, sadly. But we can still keep J.C. and his wine in our dreams.

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