Hollywood Exes – Episode 5 – Shirts And Giggles


Hollywood Exes
This week on Hollywood Exes, it’s all about mamas and their kids. Andrea misses her kids back in Chicago, Nicole‘s oldest is leaving the nest, and Jessica is protecting Josie and wishing Jose would man up and be a father. They’re in total mama bird mode and their youngin’s are the priority. Meanwhile, Mayte may not have children she’s protective if but she has some vintage Prince outfits that she’s caring for, and man are they precious.

When Nicole and her oldest daughter, Bria, 22, go shopping, they discuss their careers. Bria is an aspiring actress and model, and Nicole is an established model, having done it from the age of 13 until she was about 25.

Since then, she’s focused on being a wife and mother, but she tells Bria she really wants to get back into it, even though she’s nervous and she has some extra “junk in the trunk” which is hilarious and also false. Nicole heads to Las Vegas for her first photo shoot in years, because she’s agreed to be the face of Camille Flawless, a dress label designed by her friend, also named Camille Flawless.
I love the way Camille keeps saying to Nicole “Look at that bahhhhhdy!”
But how can we not look at it? Nicole admits she feels sexier in her forties than she ever did in her twenties and thirties. “I feel like I got it going on now!” And does she ever.

Of course it never hurts to have someone constantly oiling your limbs, glittering up your chest, and double-sided-taping your boobs. Still, nature’s been kind to Nicole.

“As usual, I’m left to pick up all the pieces,” Jessica says when she learns that Jose hasn’t called Josie to tell her he’s not going to move in with them.

Josie tells Jessica she never got a phone call from her dad, so Jessica breaks it to her and Josie says “I’m surprised he didn’t call to tell me himself, but I’m kinda used to it.” Jessica tells Josie how much Jose loves her, but Josie’s response is “Okay, but he doesn’t show it.” Ouch.

Jessica worries that Josie’s going to do what all girls with daddy issues do: become sluts. Okay, Jessica doesn’t say that, exactly, she just worries that Josie, who’s only 15, is going to turn more to her boyfriend than anyone now that her dad is abandoning her, and that could be bad. “He’s my only man-figure. Maybe one day we can be married,” Josie says. And then Josie drops the real bomb: she went to Planned Parenthood, unbeknownst to Jessica, to look into birth control options. “But I wanted to consult with you first,” Josie says. Jessica, she of the vaginal rejuvenation and dry humping Nicole on restaurant booth is actually really skittish about talking sex with Josie and she reallllly wishes Jose was here to do it for her.

“Teaching is my life,” Andrea says as she starts her first ever dance class at Millenium Dance Studios in L.A. Unfortunately, her first class only has about five students and one of them is Mayte, so she’s a little disappointed at the turnout.

“It was still a good class,” in spite of the low turnout, but Andrea knows she needs to do something to make the people come.

The ladies all get together for dinner and Nicole announces that she has a man she wants to set Mayte up on a blind date with. Mayte asks what she should wear and Nicole says “Something like what you’re wearing tonight.” Sheree responds “Don’t you think that shows too much cleavage?” For the record, this is the top Sheree objects to.

These men Sheree is imagining have to look pretty deep into that shirt to get cleavage.

Besides, the whole conversation and blind date anticipation is making Mayte incredibly nervous, worrying about her cleavage is the last thing she wants to do. Andrea’s also a little jealous that Nicole doesn’t have a blind date for her, too (lest she become a crazy old cat lady), but one at a time, mama. Let’s see how Mayte’s date goes first.

Jessica comes over to help Mayte get ready for her date, and Mayte’s nerves are only building. Her stomach is already in knots but for some reason she’s drinking a diuretic tea too, so good luck with that on your date. She explains to Jessica that what she hates most on a first date is explaining that she has “five dogs, my mom lives with me, and I was married to Prince. And engaged to Tommy [Lee].” Jessica thinks Nicole has filled the mystery man in on that stuff, so the hardest part is done, on to the wardrobe. “Mayte’s worried about looking too sexy. Is she crazy??” Jessica asks. Apparently, because whatever seed Sheree planted is growing in Mayte’s brain. I hope she doesn’t go on this date in her best Diane Keaton outfit.

Sheree is making it a point to help Drea land a man too, so she takes her to the farmers’ market knowing Drea’s proclivity for white men. As she explains:

But once she realizes Sheree’s motives for taking her there, Drea is like:

When the man Sheree starts up a conversation with rejects Andrea and says he’s just there for tomatoes, Andrea hurts. “That was a whole new form of rejection,” she says. Rejection by tomato. “I guess that’s how they do it in L.A.” Then she meets Adam, a cute guy who likes blackberries (cough, metaphor, I think) and they strike up a conversation.

Within five minutes, she learns he’s almost 40, never been married, and has no kids. That works for Drea! “You better check yo’ little blackberry email!” she says after their flirtation.

Mayte heads out for her blind date with Gary, Nicole’s friend, and her first impression is…not good. After all the effort Mayte put into her own appearance for the date, she’s annoyed that Gary showed up in a hoodie. Yeah, not a smooth move, Gar.

It gets worse when Mayte actually forgets Gary’s name. “Why am I here??” she desperately wonders. When she coughs and explains she’s getting over a cold, Gary tells her “You make me don’t want no kiss.” So he’s sort of the anti-Prince. Get it?

When the awkardest date of all time ends, Mayte calls Nicole to let her know how it went. I’m sort of hoping right now that Nicole will be like “Gary? No, I don’t know any Gary, you were sitting at the wrong table,” because this guy was clearly wrong for Mayte and it’s weird that Nicole wouldn’t have picked up on that.

Turns out they actually have a whole When Harry Met Sally thing happening, because while Mayte giggles about the date to Nicole, Gary is on the other phone with Michael rehashing his version of the date too.

“There was no love connection,” Nicole tells the girls when they all get together at Mayte’s house to discuss the date. Sheree tells Mayte that she really does need to get rid of her Prince wedding china before having a serious suitor over, and Mayte tells the ladies that’s not even all the Prince memorabilia she owns, she also has a bunch of Prince’s clothes too. Sheree says exactly what I’m thinking: “Girl, you could sell that on eBay!” Mayte’s mom, Nelly, also wants her to get rid of all the Prince stuff because she has no love for the Purple One. “He was too controlling! Be nice!” she says as she mimes squashing his tiny ass into the floor.

We finally get to see some of the Prince-wear (and Nicole even tries it on),

and we learn that a) Prince liked his sleeves extra long, b) he wore (wears?) shoulder pads and c) it’s very sniffable. Everybody wants a whiff.

Sheree wonders if Mayte’s holding on to all these old things means she’s not quite ready to move on to the next chapter in her life. But if I owned Prince shirts and Prince teacups, I don’t think I could part with them either. That’s not personal evolution, that’s just good sense.

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