What happens in Fort Lauderdale stays in Fort Lauderdale. I hope.
“Me and my girls are goin’ to Florida…’Cause when you work hard, you deserve to play hard,” Big Ang explains. To me, Ang is sort of like the personification of Florida, so it’s perfect.
Lil Jen’s plan is to buy a case of champagne so they can start every morning off with mimosas.
Sounds good to Ang!
Before she can go on her vacation though, she has to go to the doctor because if there’s one thing Ang loves more than Florida, it’s getting Botox. Her new thing is to get it every three weeks which her doctor thinks is totally unnecessary, but stuffs her face full of it anyway.
The doctor bids her farewell and says “See you in six months!” which makes Ang bug out because six months is a lot more than three weeks and who knows how unfrozen her face can become in that time. “Six months? Whaddyou mean? I gotta come every weeeeeek,” Ang purrs.
Naturally, (NATURALLY), Ang tells us, she can’t find any of her bathing suits and has to have some new ones custom made. And since she’ll be in Florida five days and she certainly can’t repeat an outfit, she needs five separate suits. So here are her “mighty sexy” options.
In case you were wondering, Ang’s measurements are 34-34-45.
When the ladies arrive to the Ocean Manor, Ang’s hotel of choice in Fort Lauderdale, they’re upgraded to the penthouse suite because Ang is the Florida retiree version of a high roller. Ang says that when she goes on vacation, not only does she spend all her time being whacked, but she spends “all the money and all the credit cards,” too. Sadly, the weather is terrible, on account of how Ang just single-handedly made it rain.
At the beach, Ang announces to the ladies that she’s throwing her annual Florida cocktail party with “all kinds of liquor,” including Linda’s poison, Patron. “When Linda drinks Patron, it does something to her mind, she’s got a chemical imbalance,” Ang explains. Which leads her to mash the faces of cute boys into her breasts
and of course do the infamous Twizzle-Spit move that we learned about last week. In case you forgot:
“I have no shame in my game baby, ’cause I like to have a good time. Always. Always good time,” Linda explains.
The next morning, Lil Jen tells Linda “You should be ashamed of yourself. You straddled everything.”
“Was I good?” Linda asks, as that’s the only logical reply.
Linda still must be drunk because when they go out to the pool (to drink more, obvs), she spots Anthony, Ang’s bartender from the Drunken Monkey who’s down visiting and asks “Who’s this hottie?” thinking he’s just some random beach hunk.
As is the running theme of this series, Ang is constantly either throwing a party or looking for a new house. Since she’s already thrown a party once in this episode, it only makes sense that she start her search for a new beachfront condo. This combines my two passions, Big Ang and House Hunters, and after she looks at three different condos, she falls in love with the last one, a high-rise with a water view.
Ang’s sister Janine calls and finds out that Ang wants this new vacation home and she, being “Miss Responsible” flips out.
See, Ang is terrible with money, it sounds like. She spent $11,000 on furniture alone last month, not to mention a trip to Bed Bath And Beyond where she accidentally dropped $2,600. I hope she used one of those 20% off coupons that come in the mail like every other week.
Ang’s solution for earning extra money to pay for the condo? The casino. Of course.
Cut to five minutes later: “Yeah, the casino. That didn’t work out too good.” But Ang has enough connections and pocket change for one last Florida hurrah, taking everyone out on a huge yacht.
On the boat, Ang says she has a big announcement and tells all her friends that in spite of Janine’s caution and her own lack of funds, she’s buying a condooooo!!!!
Her logic? “I been broke a million times. And I been on top of the world two million times.” And if she starts selling t-shirts with all these quotes on them? She’ll be on top of the world three million times.