This week, we present a very special episode of Butts Moving Independently Of Their Bodies starring Draya.
“I might be a little naive, but I still feel like it was the right thing to do,” Malaysia says when she gets together with Laura and Draya to — what else? — talk about Jackie. Everyone else seemed kinda annoyed that she invited Jackie to re-join their gang, but the way Malaysia sees it, they’re all s-l-o-w-l-y getting back into that Christie swing.
“Malaysia’s big on second chances. That’s fine with me as long as Jackie is nice and sweet and funny and not all crazy, then fine,” Draya explains. So Malaysia wasn’t totally wrong, as long as Jackie curbs her crazy and keeps her distance.
Malaysia suggests they just have a fun summer and get a little crazy. Like, skydiving crazy. The girls are down with fun, but Draya explains “Skydiving? That’s not normal things black girls say.”
Gloria meets with the producer and director of her new “action web series” she’s going to star in — the one where she needs to be a skilled ballerina assassin who also is an expert in mixed martial arts and street fighting. The time frame? “You have about two weeks to become a cold-blooded assassin,” the director tells her. Gloria has a ton of work ahead of her, and she’s a little freaked out.
“So far I feel like the majority of the girls have maybe taken a liking to me, they might still have question marks about some things in their head, it is what it is,” Brooke says as she and her boyfriend Vernon have dinner together and she tells him about her introduction to the new circle. At this point, Brooke has no idea that Bambi (and her “shimmer”) is a thing she needs to worry about, but soon enough, she’ll find out.
Over at Jackie’s house, she’s still upset that her daughter Chantel is living in Seattle and she’s NOT at home with Jackie.
Jackie is having dreams about her and wishing she was home, but Doug reassures her that it will all be okay, and they can go visit her any time. “I just wish she would have waited till she was 25 or 30,” Jackie says, I think, jokingly. “There’s drugs out there, there’s violence, they’re molesting kids — when she told me last year that she kissed a boy, I was hurt by it, but then when I found out it was in kindergarten, I was okay with it. Now, the thought of her with an adult boy? I got a problem with that,” the most over-protective mother ever continues. She says she’s even gone so far as to get Chantel’s phone records. Yikes. Jackie is determined to get her daughter home…foreverrrr.
Malaysia and Brooke finally meet up for some one on one time because Brooke definitely gets the sense that Malaysia’s not vibing her and Brooke wants to know why. Malaysia tells Brooke that Bambi told her they have a problem, and Brooke is like “I don’t even know her.” But she does know who she is, and there’s definitely something there. When Malaysia presses her, she says that there was a time when they were both into the same guy and Bambi was the one who went a little crazy about it, so Malaysia suggests they all get together to talk it out.
“Yeah, it’s kinda shady,” Malaysia says, and until things get sorted, she’s Team Bambi.
“I don’t care if she likes me or if she doesn’t like me, I’m cool either way,” Brooke says. Brooke is on Team Brooke, fyi.
The time has come once again for Jackie and Doug’s next wedding, and today is our first look at what the theme for number seventeen will be. “We really want to do a tribute to the gay and lesbian community,” Jackie says as they visit a nightclub where they intend to hold their ceremony. Jackie wants this one to be the most over-the-top wedding they’ve had yet, and I think the disco balls, go-go booths, temporary swimming pool, and dance cages will really set it apart.
Jackie Skypes with Chantel later to ask if she’ll be her maid of honor in the upcoming wedding, and Chantel says yes, but also reveals, to Jackie’s delight, that she’s moving back to L.A.
Jackie seriously can’t contain her excitement.
Gloria enlists Draya to help her learn the art of seduction and the strength of a pole dancer for her assassin movie, and the two of them hit the pole together for a little lesson Draya glides around easily on the floor and the pole, and Gloria…doesn’t quite glide so well.
Judge if you must, but it’s clear that pole dancing takes some serious strength training.
“Oh man, I’m gonna give strippers high fives from now on,” Gloria tells Draya after learning how much work goes into that pole. “No, you don’t give them high fives,” Draya tells her, “you give them twenty dollar bills.”
“The funniest part,” Draya says “was trying to teach Gloria how to shake her butt.” I’d go so far as to say the most riveting part was actually watching Draya teach Gloria to shake her butt.
Then Draya tells Gloria that if ever Gloria was interested, she’d like to hit that. Because, take note ladies, a compliment from Draya is sometimes more than just a compliment and when Draya tells you you look nice, she means she’d like to get you pregnant.
Later, Draya heads to an unspecified address that turns out to be a tattoo parlor that Jackie has sent her to. Jackie’s fully laid out on a bed getting her “ham hock” of a hip inked with a gay pride tattoo,
to Draya’s surprise, and also to Doug’s soon-to-be surprise.
This is the episode of learning that everyone on the show has latent bisexual tendencies, because after Draya’s admission that she wants to see Gloria naked, Draya questions why Jackie is getting a pride tattoo and whether that means that Jackie has ever harbored gay feelings. Jackie tells her not really, but that if she weren’t so in love with Doug, anything is possible…So why not stick this monster tattoo on your hip to at least show some support to a community you could see yourself belonging to, if only you weren’t so busy getting hetero married every year?
The real purpose of Draya’s visit to see Jackie was to gauge Jackie’s crazy-levels on behalf of Gloria, because while Draya is willing to give Jackie the benefit of the doubt and accept her friendship again, Gloria is going to need more concrete proof that Jackie has her personalities under control. Draya agrees to set up a meeting with all of them, but judging from her reaction to the tattoo, maybe she’s not so sure that all of Jackie’s faculties are intact after all.
Jackie reconvenes with Malaysia to tell her how things with Draya went and Malaysia is happy to know Jackie is slowly folding back into the mix. As Malaysia explains it in terms that are relatable maybe only to her, Jackie is like the crackhead auntie that you still care about. “If you have a crackhead auntie, you bring her some food every now and then if you see her on the street, down and out.” Jackie, rightly, objects to the comparison. While they’re chatting, Draya calls and convinces Jackie to throw a party at her house. To her credit, Jackie thinks it’s a little crazy that she’s throwing a party for “people who can’t stand” her, but she goes along with it.
So then Draya goes back to Gloria to tell her she’s met with Jackie, because she wants to convince Gloria Jackie’s not all bad. “I’m gonna leave out about uh, fifty percent of the craziness that Jackie showed me, just ’cause I don’t want to scare Gloria away,” Draya says. So she leaves out the stuff about the pride tattoo, but mentions that Jackie is having another wedding. A special one. “Sheee’s doing a gay wedding,” Draya tells Gloria. Gloria, your reaction, please?
“The drag queens? I can see them loving her!” Draya says when she registers Gloria’s response.
“That’s because she looks like one,” Gloria says.
And mid-insult, Jackie (under the guise of a blocked number) calls Gloria and leaves her a message inviting her to her pool party, which confuses Gloria and annoys Draya, who was under the impression she was running all over the city talking to these two women to broker the invite, and here Jackie just called Gloria up herself to ask her to come.
Draya’s so annoyed, she’s ready to take drastic measures. “I’m gonna piss in her pool.” Tune in next week to find out if she follows through!