Mary Alice Stephenson, co-host of America’s Most Smartest Model, is a fashion industry insider whose smart looks and smart tongue control her show’s pretty people. Each week we talk with her about issues on the show. This time the subjects are Jesse’s attitude, Rachel’s weight, and how you can never be too rich or too thin for style — unless, of course, you are.
Posts By Jonathan Durbin
Over the weekend, The New York Times brought to our attention that the word “vajayjay” has made its way into mainstream culture through the nurturing help of a 2006 episode of Grey’s Anatomy, Oprah Winfrey and network censors who are unsure if “vagina” is an appropriate term to broadcast over the airwaves. (Here’s a hint: If roughly half the population has one, it’s probably OK.) Sounds complicated, sure, but apparently that’s how things work these days. That got us to thinking about other terms that stand-in for genitals and the work our public figures do to promote them.
Sweetheart Tila, it has come to our attention that you celebrated your birthday on Wednesday. Well, happy birthday. We are overjoyed to see that you’ve reached 26, and we can’t wait to see what you’ll do with the following year. We can only hope it will involve fewer bouncers and strippers. Go a little lighter on befriending people who are orange, what do you say? And maybe take it easy on the short-shorts. Skin needs to breathe. Or it starts to fall off.
What’s that? You’re upset because we sound like we’re miffed? That’s funny. We are miffed. We saw how you celebrated your birthday at LAX. That’s not exactly a “small, intimate gathering,” like we were told. Where was our invitation? Did it get lost in the mails? Did you send it by Pony Express from the year 1842? Or perhaps it was one of those newfangled mental invites where you just think about inviting people and they understand where the party is by telepathy?
Oh, no, we get it. We’re the Duckie here. That sucks. Thanks, Tila. Thanks a lot.
Great. First Kim Kardashian, and now you. Is it us? Do we smell bad?
What do we have to do to prove our love to you?
Enjoy some hot snaps of Tila Tequila.
Every week we round up selections from the funniest and most brutal film criticism out there so that you don’t waste your cash at the theaters and laugh a little at Hollywood’s expense. This week: Sadistic serial killer Jigsaw returns in Saw IV, a movie of such inept direction and shoddy script-writing, the critics have begun to wonder whether horror films are merely elaborate Hollywood exercises in money laundering. By the way, you’ll never guess which film this week wasn’t screened for critics.
“Boasting more posthumous recordings than Tupac, Jigsaw should have spent time devising clever new traps instead of buying Radio Shack’s entire inventory of tape recorders. Between pathetic sound effects, embarrassing lines like, ‘What you can’t do is save everyone,’ and mixed-up chronology that may break your watch, the sick pleasure that once came from the sound of screaming, morally conflicted people now sounds only like cash registers ringing up another undeserving hit.” - The Chicago Times
“The need to incorporate familiar characters and icons from the earlier films, together with flashbacks that flesh out Jigsaw’s pre-‘puppet master’ past, simply leads to an irritating series of creative dead ends. Truly, a hack-‘Saw’.” – Time Out London
Bless the fine culture purveyors over at NYMag.com. Not only did they steer us to the leaked version of the shooting script for Paul Thomas Anderson‘s latest film — you cinephiles out there will be pleased to learn There Will Be Blood stars Daniel Day-Lewis, and early word back is that it’s amaaaaazing – they posted the British trailer for season 7 of 24. (Why the British trailer? It’s classier that way!) Anyhow, it seems that Jack Bauer‘s next daylong adventure involves congressional subcommittees, torture and the return of Tony Almeida. From the trailer, Tony looks like he either drank the Kool-Aid or was exposed to that nasty Kryptonite from Superman III. You’d probably be in a bad mood, too, if your love interest had been toasted in a car explosion and you’d “died” after being injected with a fictional pain-causing drug. But would your spirits be low enough to mount a terrorist attack? The show won’t return until January, so get your fix from the trailer having. We’re having a Jack attack. Right. Now.
As you probably remember from every newspaper article written about America’s declining ethical standards since Lewinskygate, Joe Francis is the man behind the hugely successful Girls Gone Wild franchise. He’s a miraculous entrepreneur who discovered that a crappy handicam, a couple of Jello shots and a pair of breasts (preferably aged 18 to 21) could become an incredibly lucrative platform for establishing a business.
Finally, darling, you have returned to your senses. Oh, Tila, how worried we were that you’d developed neurasthenia, or a mental fugue, or an Adam’s apple! But, as you happily proved to us last night, none of these are the case. You are hale and healthy and still female, and finally (finally!) you are beginning to demonstrate the genius with which you first seduced us. That is to say nothing of your physical beauty. You were resplendent in your Daisy Dukes. You glowed like the dying embers of a once-great dwarf star in your shiny blue Rayon (or was it polyester?) negligee. Your eyes glittered like hard little dusty black marbles when you were assessing your suitors. Each of them failed you, we noticed. Each of them.
Mary Alice Stephenson, co-host of America’s Most Smartest Model, is a fashion industry insider whose smart looks and smart tongue control her show’s pretty people. Each Tuesday we talk with her about issues on the show. This time the subjects are Andre’s temper, Mandy Lynn’s attitude, and Jesse’s future (which isn’t going to be on the runway).
Fake news firebrand and occasionally funny comedian Stephen Colbert announced his candidacy for president this week. Unfortunately for America, Colbert will only be running in South Carolina. He’s planning as running both as Democrat and a Republican, which means he needs both the approval of both parties. Katon Dawson, chairman of South Carolina’s Republican Party, told The New York Times, “My advice is that he could probably have more fun buying a sports car and getting a girlfriend.”
Obviously, Mr. Dawson has never watched The Colbert Report. Perhaps he has never heard of comedy.
Anyway . . . this got us to thinking: Who else should run for president? After the jump, we review some potential candidates.
Tila, sweeheart. You have broken our hearts. We will forgive you, of course — how could we not — but we will never forgive MTV. Last night’s display of lewd innuendo and sexual aggression was, simply put, disgusting. A disgrace. A foolish, wanton waste of cash and resources, not unlike all the promotion Microsoft put behind Zune, the coffers Google emptied for YouTube, the treasures that evaporated into wisps of money-colored, cocaine-scented smoke when Lindsay Lohan released I Know Who Killed Me. But we digress. Yes, yes, we do.
We felt worse for having watched A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila last night. We felt so dirty, in fact, that we showered afterward, and we scrubbed hard. We are still raw, Tila. We also still feel dirty. As for you . . . well, we felt for you, but our patience has begun to run thin. MTV treats you like a tarted up piece of rotting flank steak slathered in lipgloss and tottering on stripper heels, and you don’t seem to care. Haven’t you noticed? How long will you turn the other cheek? When will you come to VH1? We would never treat you like that. You were in tears before the first commercial break, honey!