Posts By Matt Muro

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Tila Tequila 2: Assless Chaps, Lesbian Orgies and Headbutts (Ep. 4 recap)

Here are the top five most ridiculous moments of Episode 4, listed in chronological order from first to last.

1. Bull-Riding Contest Prize? Tila’s Ass!

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Tila Tequila has dressed up as a naughty school teacher, a stripper and an angel. In episode 4, she morphed into a cowgirl by wearing a cowboy hat, a bra and assless leather chaps. The occasion (or excuse for the getup) was the first of what will surely become an annual mechanical bull-riding contest for pumped-up frat boys and stripper-esque lesbians on seasons of Tila Tequila to come. But if Tila didn’t look so hot, and if the prize weren’t spending an evening with her exposed ass, then this challenge would have been boring beyond belief.

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Tila Tequila’s Team Gobbles Pig Vaginas

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Here’s a list of the top five most awesomely bad moments of episode 3 of A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila 2.

1. CHAD CAN’T FETCH A BALL

For the second year in a row, Tila Tequila split her wooers by sex and made the two groups face off in a “bi-athalon.” Among the athletic challenges, contestants were forced to dip their heads into an inflatable pool and use their mouths to pick up balls with symbols corresponding to their sex. Chad should have had an advantage in this exercise of fetching, considering that he has the brain power and disposition of a dog. But he couldn’t find the correct ball and began to bite the side of the pool out of frustration. In the meantime, the girls ate away at the boys’ lead and then won the challenge. Chad claimed later that the “snot rockets” floating in the pool prevented him from completing the task. But we’re talking about a guy whose idea of fun is to raise his legs over his head in bed and pass gas. Chad could probably bath in snot without being phased. Could it be that he doesn’t know the difference between a male and female symbol?

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All Hail the Return of Gwyneth Paltrow’s Legs (and Shoes!)

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Gwyneth Paltrow, who took a couple of years off to raise her two children with Coldplay singer Chris Martin, is back in Hollywood — and the media is eating her up! The maelstrom, however, isn’t about her role as the secretary of Tony Stark (aka Iron Man). It’s about her legs, her hair, her face, her toned body, and mostly her new collection of really sexy, high-heel shoes. Maybe movie critics will focus on the Oscar-winner’s acting skills once Iron Man has its U.S. premiere this Friday (she’s supposed to be amazing!). Until then, sign up to live like Tony Stark for a weekend and join the Gwyneth Paltrow love fest by clicking on the thumbnails below. — Matt Muro

More pictures here.

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Tila Tequila Courted With Striptease Acts, Farts (Episode 2 Recap)

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“All my stripper friends. All my ex-boyfriends. We all want the same thang.”

Tila, your lyrics for the theme song to A Shot at Love 2 don’t make sense. You should be singing, “All my stripper whores. All my farm animals. We all want the same thing.” Only you don’t want the same thing. We believe that you’re looking for love, whereas others on your show have baser motives. Not only did the contestant named Fame use the camera as if she were auditioning for American Idol, Chad had the gall to say: “I’m more excited about moving into Tila than I am about moving into the house.” Tila, Chad has probably “moved into” sheep and horses have probably “moved into” him. Sorry to be crass. But do not touch Chad. Not even a hug.

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Rev. Wright: Shut Up and Play Our Game

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The Rev. Jeremiah Wright is speaking out to protect his reputation after being distanced by Barack Obama for making incendiary remarks on the pulpit. The pastor’s most “out there” statement is probably that the U.S. government manufactured the AIDS virus to commit genocide on people of color. If he truly cares about African-Americans, then he should get off of his soap box and give Barack Obama a shot at becoming the first black president of the United States. We invite Jeremiah to play Pos or Not, a new game designed to provide information about how to prevent the spread of AIDS and confront stereotypes about who is affected. We could all use some education.

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Early Reviews: Two Thumbs Up for Iron Man

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The first reviews of Iron Man, the Marvel adaptation directed by John Favreau and starring Robert Downey Jr., have hit the web — and they could not be more glowing. Here are some choice excerpts.

Den of Geek:

Batman had better watch his ass.

Fox News:

Iron Man plays like an old-fashioned hit, full of character development, witty dialogue and a plot that plausibly makes sense.

Because of [Robert Downey Jr.], the movie is going to be the first big summer blockbuster.

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Two Poets Win Madonna Tickets

Madonna A couple of weeks ago, we asked you to write four lines of poetry for a chance to win tickets to Madonna’s April 30 concert in New York. We received a whopping 7,669 poems. Some are funny. Some are serious. We wish that we could give all of you a pair of tickets, but then Madge would have to move her show from the intimate Roseland Ballroom to Madison Square Garden. Here are the talented (and lucky) winners.

Jordan, from Illinois

I distinctly remember a road trip reflection
And the moving, grooving sounds of an Immaculate Collection
I’d cry “Track 15!” like a backseat DJ
Letting my Baptist minister father know his son was so gay

Bradford, from New Jersey

Through the years worship forced me to wear everything from jelly bracelets to Kabballah strings
I sported some really bad roots and even rocked some tooth bling
Blew my paychecks on Pilates to look lean and mean
But through it all, Madonna is and always will remain my mother_@#_ing Queen

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Buddha Goes to Hollywood!

Ezra Masters, aka Buddha, has a baffling career. He introduced himself on the premiere of I Love New York 2 as a personal trainer, a real estate entrepreneur and a life coach, but forgot to mention that he’d been on BET’s Hell Date — prompting fans to suspect that he was more interested in acting than in winning New York’s heart. Judging from the YouTube clip above, the fans were probably right and it seems possible that his grand plan is panning out. The clip says that it’s from Deserved Better, an upcoming television show by Aaron Sorkin, who is the mastermind behind The West Wing and a script doctor on major Hollywood films like Schindler’s List. If true, Buddha may get way more than 15 minutes of fame. But the dialogue and Buddha’s acting in the clip feel like an after school special and there’s no mention of this supposed TV show anywhere on the Internet. Is this really the work of Aaron Sorkin? Also, what has Ezra been up to that would land him a role in a quality drama? Probably not hair commercials, military service, bikini modeling or being a football player, a fireman, a martial arts expert, a boxer, a great smiler or a tea-drinking business man. But, hey, you never know!