For today’s shot of schadenfreude, you need to look no further than at the media’s favorite whipping girl of late, Paris Hilton. According to Paris’ psychiatrist, the entitled heir is "distraught and traumatized" over her looming 45-day jail sentence. The idea of Paris Hilton in discomfort is freaking iconic (hence the image above).
Lindsay Lohan has been named the hottest woman on the planet by the apparently blind people at Maxim magazine. What are they snorting? Lindsay’s stash?
It’s not that Lindsay is a bad-looking girl — somewhere under her porn-star extensions, raccoon eyes and leathery skin that would look saaaaad on someone 20 years her senior, is a pretty girl. Maybe. But hot? She’s virtually sexless. Even her rack, once impressive in a look-but-don’t-Lolita kinda way, now fails to inspire. Lindsay Lohan completely renounced any idea of hotness the day she revealed that she’s packing cold cuts between her legs. For real: her firecrotch isn’t even hot.
Lindsay beat out Jessica Alba (No. 2) and Scarlett Johansson (No. 3) for the top spot, in something of a superficial travesty. Need more proof of Lindsay’s not-hotness? Check out the shots below the jump. The best is the one in which she’s blowing a kiss. She’s going for Marilyn Monroe and ends up Marilyn Mongross.
Despite being linked to almost every hot guy that Hollywood has to offer, Scarlett Johansson says that looks aren’t everything:
"I think it’s the full picture," she says. "I look at a guy and think he has such a cute nose or such nice eyes, but there isn’t one feature I look for in a guy. One thing that I look for that isn’t physical is a healthy confidence…If somebody is confident in a way that you would admire – being strong, funny – that can make someone that you might not initially be attracted to more attractive."
Riiiight. After the jump, we rifle through ScarJo’s past and rumored loves to see if her philosophy holds up…
Paris Hilton‘s 45-day jail sentence is so sensational that people we haven’t heard from since at least before the word "blog" was invented are stepping up to snark. The funniest comes from notorious ex-con Patty Hearst, who contacted TMZ.com to deny a report that she’s giving Paris advice. Instead, she takes the opportunity to riff on Paris’ recent misfortune: "I must say that my heart goes out to the inmates of the Century Regional Detention Center. Forty-five days with Paris Hilton and the attendant publicity seems like cruel and unusual punishment to me. Perhaps THEY should be petitioning the Governor for relief?" she writes. Hands down, this is the best commentary on Paris yet. Get this cult figure a blog, stat!
Patty recommends that Paris "read Candy Spelling‘s letter several times and take her advice to heart," which brings us to our next item…
Madonna? In a strip club? Buying lap dances? MSNBC is rather breathlessly reporting this latest information about the Material Girl almost as if they expect her to be chaste or something (here’s a hint: when someone puts out an art book called Sex that features photographs of that person having, uh, group sex, chances are she’s at least thought of hiring a stripper or two in her time). Apparently Madonna’s real goal was to audition dancers for a short film. She was also in disguise and drinking coffee! And, as if that weren’t enough, she asked the nubile hopefuls to read a few lines from a script before getting down and dirty. We can only imagine that conversation:
Madonna: Talk dirty to me. Anonymous peeler: Lady, exactly how bored are you?
Yes, the ubiquitous Lindsay Lohan is easy on the eye, therefore eliciting certain reactions from certain people. But it didn’t seem right that she spilled the beans about another Georgia Rule cast member and his instinctual reaction to their wet t-shirt romp on the front lawn. Didn’t seem right at all…
Our ramp-up to Rock Honors (May 24) always includes revealing chats with the music’s stars. Road Tales focuses on some the silliness that goes down when artists are on tour.
Playing outdoor shows can be a blast, but keep your eyes on the skies. Dangerous poop predators are everywhere, and each one is ready to drop a bomb during your big moment. Cyndi recalls an icky incident.
It’s not just us, then: Jeremy Renner, star of 28 Weeks Later, is terrified of his new movie too. The sequel to Danny Boyle’s 28 Days Later takes place after all the initial "infected" humans (read: blood-puking zombies) have supposedly died out, and a U.S.-led NATO force is reintroducing citizens to a freshly secured Britain. The military, of course, is wrong about the infection, and when all hell breaks loose, it’s Renner as Doyle, a super-marine, who attempts to save the day. This isn’t Renner’s first ride round the horror rodeo: He’s guest-starred on Angel, played serial cannibal Jeffrey Dahmer and has even written a script about werewolves. Singing werewolves. In Seattle. Scary? Maybe not so much. But we caught him on tape talking about some truly frightening things. Take a look after the jump.