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Lindsay: Not Hot, Just Sweaty


Lindsay Lohan has been named the hottest woman on the planet by the apparently blind people at Maxim magazine. What are they snorting? Lindsay’s stash?

It’s not that Lindsay is a bad-looking girl — somewhere under her porn-star extensions, raccoon eyes and leathery skin that would look saaaaad on someone 20 years her senior, is a pretty girl. Maybe. But hot? She’s virtually sexless. Even her rack, once impressive in a look-but-don’t-Lolita kinda way, now fails to inspire. Lindsay Lohan completely renounced any idea of hotness the day she revealed that she’s packing cold cuts between her legs. For real: her firecrotch isn’t even hot.

Lindsay beat out Jessica Alba (No. 2) and Scarlett Johansson (No. 3) for the top spot, in something of a superficial travesty. Need more proof of Lindsay’s not-hotness? Check out the shots below the jump. The best is the one in which she’s blowing a kiss. She’s going for Marilyn Monroe and ends up Marilyn Mongross.

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Of Course ScarJo Isn’t Shallow!

Scarjomen_scarjoDespite being linked to almost every hot guy that Hollywood has to offer, Scarlett Johansson says that looks aren’t everything:

"I think it’s the full picture," she says. "I look at a guy and think he has such a cute nose or such nice eyes, but there isn’t one feature I look for in a guy. One thing that I look for that isn’t physical is a healthy confidence…If somebody is confident in a way that you would admire – being strong, funny – that can make someone that you might not initially be attracted to more attractive."

Riiiight. After the jump, we rifle through ScarJo’s past and rumored loves to see if her philosophy holds up…

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Tough Love for Paris

Paris_adviceParis Hilton‘s 45-day jail sentence is so sensational that people we haven’t heard from since at least before the word "blog" was invented are stepping up to snark. The funniest comes from notorious ex-con Patty Hearst, who contacted to deny a report that she’s giving Paris advice. Instead, she takes the opportunity to riff on Paris’ recent misfortune: "I must say that my heart goes out to the inmates of the Century Regional Detention Center. Forty-five days with Paris Hilton and the attendant publicity seems like cruel and unusual punishment to me. Perhaps THEY should be petitioning the Governor for relief?" she writes. Hands down, this is the best commentary on Paris yet. Get this cult figure a blog, stat!

Patty recommends that Paris "read Candy Spelling‘s letter several times and take her advice to heart," which brings us to our next item…

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Maddy Buys Lap Dances “For Research”

Madonna3 Madonna? In a strip club? Buying lap dances? MSNBC is rather breathlessly reporting this latest information about the Material Girl almost as if they expect her to be chaste or something (here’s a hint: when someone puts out an art book called Sex that features photographs of that person having, uh, group sex, chances are she’s at least thought of hiring a stripper or two in her time). Apparently Madonna’s real goal was to audition dancers for a short film. She was also in disguise and drinking coffee! And, as if that weren’t enough, she asked the nubile hopefuls to read a few lines from a script before getting down and dirty. We can only imagine that conversation:

Madonna: Talk dirty to me.
Anonymous peeler: Lady, exactly how bored are you?


Lohan’s Boy Fight: Don’t Pull a Boner

Yes, the ubiquitous Lindsay Lohan is easy on the eye, therefore eliciting certain reactions from certain people. But it didn’t seem right that she spilled the beans about another Georgia Rule cast member and his instinctual reaction to their wet t-shirt romp on the front lawn. Didn’t seem right at all…



Cyndi Lauper: Why’d I Open My Big Mouth?

Our ramp-up to Rock Honors (May 24) always includes revealing chats with the music’s stars. Road Tales focuses on some the silliness that goes down when artists are on tour.

Playing outdoor shows can be a blast, but keep your eyes on the skies. Dangerous poop predators are everywhere, and each one is ready to drop a bomb during your big moment. Cyndi recalls an icky incident.

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Rockosphere: Smiths Break Wind, Kids Sing Tori

- Morrissey + Beans = Smiths Songs of Flatulence
Every tune has some hidden meaning [College Humor]

- Nelly & Tim Want to Rock Out
Ditch the beats and turn those amps up to 11 [Billboard]

- Keep Music In The Schools
Want to hear a kids chorus from Staten Island sing Tori Amos’s "Purple People"? [PS22]

- List of Demands
"Thou Shalt Not" make generic repetitive music [YouTube]

- Blake Gives Back
Idol finalist romps around his hometown, plays original tune with a "reggae" feel [Q13]


28 Weeks Later Star: Terrified

Jeremyrenner_2 It’s not just us, then: Jeremy Renner, star of 28 Weeks Later, is terrified of his new movie too. The sequel to Danny Boyle’s 28 Days Later takes place after all the initial "infected" humans (read: blood-puking zombies) have supposedly died out, and a U.S.-led NATO force is reintroducing citizens to a freshly secured Britain. The military, of course, is wrong about the infection, and when all hell breaks loose, it’s Renner as Doyle, a super-marine, who attempts to save the day. This isn’t Renner’s first ride round the horror rodeo: He’s guest-starred on Angel, played serial cannibal Jeffrey Dahmer and has even written a script about werewolves. Singing werewolves. In Seattle. Scary? Maybe not so much. But we caught him on tape talking about some truly frightening things. Take a look after the jump.

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Ben Folds Fight

Folds The normally sedate audience at Boston Pops in Beantown’s Symphony Hall was treated to more than just guest star Ben Folds last night. A fight broke out in the balcony, apparently between one man arguing with another about the volume of his voice. Way to wreck a good time, buddy. Witnesses report hearing a couple of screams, and then seeing the fight go down — which wound up with one guy shirtless. No injuries were reported, although when the altercation went down, the conductor stopped the performance. Also: No word on whether or not the audience started to chant, "Fight! Fight! Fight!" Wonder about violence in America while watching footage here.