Sometimes, even if I’m nowhere near a TV or computer, even if I’m brushing my teeth or balancing my checkbook or digging up carrots from my garden, I get the urge to scream, "SHUT UP, DINA LOHAN." This woman’s fame-mongering at the expense of her family makes her the most visible stage mother of this generation. That’s quite a distinction to hold! Simply put, she is a disease.
Of course, I don’t really want her to shut up — she provides way too much entertainment whenever she makes the mistake of opening her mouth. Her latest interview, with Us, is short in length but long on idiocy. It was hard to pick just one quote that sums up the stupidity, so we have two:
All the throwdowns from the current drama-filled season of Celebrity Fit Club seem like kids’ stuff compared to the clip below. In the uncensored snippet from the episode that will air Sunday, Dustin and the grizzly drill sergeant Harvey go toe-to-toe when Dustin’s weigh-in devolves into a screaming match. After Dustin threatens violence on Ant and then Harvey, Harvey goes ballistic with a multi-minute tirade in which he promises to "f*** [Dustin's] world up!" It’s seriously amazing that his head didn’t explode from the pressure.
After Harvey finishes screaming he says, "Now put that bitch on VSPOT." How could we not?!? Don’t miss this.
- Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher might be on the brink of a split. That’s nothing a little Kabbalah water can’t fix! [CityRag]
- Ne-Yo confesses that he’s a butt man. Somehow this is not surprising. [Bossip]
- Ewan McGregor puts in a "huge order" for underwear that "helps to lift and promote the size of a man’s genitals." Because all those full-frontal scenes aren’t doing enough to promote Ewan McGregor’s genitals. [IDontLikeYouInThatWay.com]
- Lindsay Lohan has a nip slip. If that doesn’t make her hot, nothing will! [Egotastic!]
- Sanjaya takes part in a drag show. See what happens when you click your heels three times and chant, "There’s no place like home! There’s no place like home!"? [Dlisted]
For today’s shot of schadenfreude, you need to look no further than at the media’s favorite whipping girl of late, Paris Hilton. According to Paris’ psychiatrist, the entitled heir is "distraught and traumatized" over her looming 45-day jail sentence. The idea of Paris Hilton in discomfort is freaking iconic (hence the image above).
Lindsay Lohan has been named the hottest woman on the planet by the apparently blind people at Maxim magazine. What are they snorting? Lindsay’s stash?
It’s not that Lindsay is a bad-looking girl — somewhere under her porn-star extensions, raccoon eyes and leathery skin that would look saaaaad on someone 20 years her senior, is a pretty girl. Maybe. But hot? She’s virtually sexless. Even her rack, once impressive in a look-but-don’t-Lolita kinda way, now fails to inspire. Lindsay Lohan completely renounced any idea of hotness the day she revealed that she’s packing cold cuts between her legs. For real: her firecrotch isn’t even hot.
Lindsay beat out Jessica Alba (No. 2) and Scarlett Johansson (No. 3) for the top spot, in something of a superficial travesty. Need more proof of Lindsay’s not-hotness? Check out the shots below the jump. The best is the one in which she’s blowing a kiss. She’s going for Marilyn Monroe and ends up Marilyn Mongross.
Despite being linked to almost every hot guy that Hollywood has to offer, Scarlett Johansson says that looks aren’t everything:
"I think it’s the full picture," she says. "I look at a guy and think he has such a cute nose or such nice eyes, but there isn’t one feature I look for in a guy. One thing that I look for that isn’t physical is a healthy confidence…If somebody is confident in a way that you would admire – being strong, funny – that can make someone that you might not initially be attracted to more attractive."
Riiiight. After the jump, we rifle through ScarJo’s past and rumored loves to see if her philosophy holds up…
Paris Hilton‘s 45-day jail sentence is so sensational that people we haven’t heard from since at least before the word "blog" was invented are stepping up to snark. The funniest comes from notorious ex-con Patty Hearst, who contacted TMZ.com to deny a report that she’s giving Paris advice. Instead, she takes the opportunity to riff on Paris’ recent misfortune: "I must say that my heart goes out to the inmates of the Century Regional Detention Center. Forty-five days with Paris Hilton and the attendant publicity seems like cruel and unusual punishment to me. Perhaps THEY should be petitioning the Governor for relief?" she writes. Hands down, this is the best commentary on Paris yet. Get this cult figure a blog, stat!
Patty recommends that Paris "read Candy Spelling‘s letter several times and take her advice to heart," which brings us to our next item…
Madonna? In a strip club? Buying lap dances? MSNBC is rather breathlessly reporting this latest information about the Material Girl almost as if they expect her to be chaste or something (here’s a hint: when someone puts out an art book called Sex that features photographs of that person having, uh, group sex, chances are she’s at least thought of hiring a stripper or two in her time). Apparently Madonna’s real goal was to audition dancers for a short film. She was also in disguise and drinking coffee! And, as if that weren’t enough, she asked the nubile hopefuls to read a few lines from a script before getting down and dirty. We can only imagine that conversation:
Madonna: Talk dirty to me. Anonymous peeler: Lady, exactly how bored are you?
Yes, the ubiquitous Lindsay Lohan is easy on the eye, therefore eliciting certain reactions from certain people. But it didn’t seem right that she spilled the beans about another Georgia Rule cast member and his instinctual reaction to their wet t-shirt romp on the front lawn. Didn’t seem right at all…