Posts By VH1

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Wednesday: Katie’s “Mommy Lessons,” Reese’s Rage

Mills2America Dumps Heather Mills From "Dancing"
Her elimination shocked everyone, except Paul’s ex, who had a farewell speech tucked in her top. [People]

Cruise Orders Katie To Take "Mommy Lessons"
Tom has suggested his wife attends the Scientology Church to become a better mother. [Us Magazine]

Reese to Aniston: Stay Away From Jake
Pics of Jen and Jake Gyllenhaal sharing a kiss at a recent awards ceremony have Witherspoon freaked. [Entertainment Wise]

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Monday: Russian Pays $1.2 Mil for J.Lo

Lopezz2Russian Pays $1.2 Million for J.Lo
A billionaire bought a 40-minute concert for his wife’s b-day bash. [People]

La Lohan Leaves Knightley’s Lesbian Flick
Lindsay threw a "Mean Girl" and quit Keira Knightley’s new movie, shattering any chance that their girl-on-girl action will make it to the big screen. [Fox]

Chris Rock’s Alleged Baby Mama: Scams, Lies & DUI’s
Cops say the woman has been full of s**t for years: stealing, partying, making up wild stories and even running an elaborate cell scam. [TMZ]

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Friday: Cruise’s Cure, Beckham’s Panties

Cruise2Tom Cruise to Detox 9/11 Victims
The actor believes he can cure those exposed to toxins with Scientology. [CBS]

Victoria Beckham Blows $4000 on Undies
Has posh decided to repay her hubby for spoling her? Enjoy David. [Entertainment Wise]

MTV Stars Too Boring for Porn
Jason Wahler ("Laguna Beach") and Lauren Conrad ("The Hills") are apparently so vanilla in bed that a porn company has killed their sex tape. [TMZ]

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That Which Does Not Kill Sanjaya’s Career . . .

Sanj2Only makes it stronger. The newly ex-American Idol contestant speculated about his future in the media — always a wise idea, kids — saying that he’d like to act, model and sing. He also said that given the violent reactions viewers had to his singing and hairstyles, he was considering hiring a bodyguard. The latest to weigh in? Idol winner Kelly Clarkson, who gave MTV this soundbite: "One of my friends [wanted] the Sanjaya guy to win. Oh, man, he’s crazy. I think [it would have been] funny, but I like Jordin Sparks. She’s passionate and still not jaded." That proves Clarkson’s a kinder person than Simon Cowell, who had this to say: "I miss [Sanjaya], probably in the same way as I would miss my favorite horror movie." Do you miss Sanjaya in the same way you would miss your favorite horror movie?

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Hear + Now: Monkeys, Bjork, Queens

Arctic_2

Yeah, you’re all hopped up to hear the new Arctic Monkeys disc, Favorite Worst Nightmare. Lots of people are. Crank the volume to 11 and prepare to be messed with when "Brianstorm" comes squawking out of the band’s MySpace page. See ‘em live by jumping in here.

A morsel of Bjork’s new Volta is up for sampling on her page, too. The choppy "Innocence" is seductive in a robotic kind of way. The full CD doesn’t drop until May 8. The Icelandic one is does her thing on Saturday Night Live tomorrow.

The always impressive Queens of the Stone Age do the math on their latest track, "3′s & 7′s." It’s from their pending disc Era Vulgaris, and it’s currently streaming on their Web site. The guys will salute Ozzy Osbourne at VH1′s Rock Honors on May 24. Don’t miss.

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Thursday: Simon Explains His VT Controversy

SimonSimon Explains Rolling His Eyes at Virginia Tech Comment
Idol tough guy calls internet-fueled criticism "rubbish," but apologizes anyway. Maybe being smug doesn’t always work! [E!]

Snoop to UNICEF: I Want Xbox, Weed
The super stoned rapper refused to go on stage at a benefit unless an Xbox was installed in his dressing room. [New York Post]

Is Katie Holmes Leaving Cruise in the Dust?
She’s reconnecting with family and friends, and even talking to catholic priests. What’s next? [MSNBC]

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Fergie Spoof Spoofed: “My Dumps”

Canadians love to make fun of Fergie. First Alanis Morissette made a funny Interweb video with her morose cover of “My Humps.” Now super-rude sex rapper Peaches has created a video that mocks Alanis mocking Fergie. (It’s very meta, a distinctly Canadian state of mind.) It’s called “My Dumps” and it’s not really safe for work, unless you work for the Department of Sanitation.

Who made the better spoof: Alanis or Peaches?

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Goodbye Pony-Hawk: Sanj Gets The Boot

Sanj2
The Malakar era is kaput. The pony-hawking, bandana-wearing, utra-pitchy and mildly cute Sanjaya has been pushed through American Idol’s trap door. "Sanjaya is love" said mentor Diana Ross a few weeks ago. Sure, we’ll agree. And now he’s history, too. "Let’s give ‘em something to talk about," squeeked the singer while ruining Bonnie Raitt’s lustful tune on last night’s show, "other than hair." For the last six weeks, he coifed his way to fame. Wonder if Chris or Phil can pull that off in the next few weeks…

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Wednesday: Chappelle Destroys Dane Cook

Chappelle2Chappelle Destroys Dane Cook
The comic shattered his Laugh Factory endurance record by performing standup for an insanely long time: six hours, seven minutes. I’m Wayne Brady b*tch! [MSN]

Kim Kardashian Gets Low With Reggie Bush
Rumor has it, the sex kitten is teaching the football star some moves off the field. [Star]

Buy Paris Hilton’s Hamper on eBay
It’s in excellent condition…No DNA found inside, but maybe you have a better investigator! [eBay]

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