Tila Tequila: Did MTV Steal Your Eyebrows? (Ep. 7)
Darling Tila, once again we find ourselves dreadfully concerned. Do you think we enjoy feeling this way? No, no we don’t. The reason why is simple. On last night’s episode, it seems that your dip in the pool erased your face. We understand that water can act as a solvent, especially when your makeup isn’t chlorine-proof, but what happened to your eyebrows? Did MTV steal them?
We like to recall you in happier times, frolicking in similarly scanty attire, but painted up to the peak of perfection. We will remember you as you are below, in these, some of our favorite photographs.
Oh, your tanned belly, lithe limbs, cute little tattoos . . . and pencil-thin eyebrows, which, apparently, are actually drawn on with a pencil. We are not the only ones who are attracted to you this way. For proof, look no further than Brandi, who made her stand last week, left the house, and then reneged on her position and came crawling back to beg forgiveness.
When you rejected Brandi, our breasts swelled with pride. Tila, you were absolutely correct: A woman who walks out on you once will do it again, and Brandi proved herself unworthy of your affections. What caused us a modicum of trepidation about the affair was that you rid yourself of one blonde, only to fall into the trap of the other — Amanda. That busty, blowsy woman was quaking when she heard Brandi ring your bell. And when you returned with your news, she was more relieved than anyone. She has you set in her sights, Tila, and we worry that she wants to hug you and kiss you and squeeze you, precisely in the manner that the Abominable Snowman wanted to love Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck to death. But we digress. Again.
The first, and, as it turns out, only challenge last night involved a kiddie pool filled with chocolate. You asked your remaining five contestants to transport as much chocolate to their respective buckets, using only what they could carry on their bodies. In practice, this meant rolling around in the pool, immersing themselves, and then wiping their bodies clean over top of their containers. We didn’t know you like your chocolate with hair in it, but now that we do, we know what we’re getting you for Valentine’s Day.
Amanda, of course, used her chest as a chocolate dispenser.
Domenico used his buttocks.
The winner of the chocolate competition was Bobby, who, it occurs to us, has begun to emerge as one of your lead candidates for love. After all, he ate the most penis and won some previously unscheduled alone-time with you in the ambulance when Ashley beat him up. Smart!
After he managed to collect 63 lbs. of chocolate — an impossibly high figure — you took him on a date. There you ate sushi together, and learned, among other things, that he has yet to learn to use chopsticks. You found this charming, as most people would in their potential partner, were that partner, say, seven years old. But Bobby, may we remind you, is in his 20s. So yet again: We were disturbed.
Because the four remaining contestants after tonight’s elimination would have to visit their parents with you in tow, you asked him about his family. He said that they would love you, but we had our doubts. Then you made out with him. A lot.
You followed that up with a threesome date: You, Dani and Ryan. You told them both that you loved them. They fed you grapes; you made out with Dani; Ryan became aggressive; Dani became contrite; and there was enough jealousy in that room to make the proverbial green-eyed monster turn blue. “This is why I don’t like threesomes,” Dani said, and we agreed — that’s exactly why we don’t like threesomes, either. They’re boring.
Emotionally exhausted and, by this point, sporting what must have been a pair of very chapped lips, you went on that evening’s third date — this time with Amanda and Domenico. In what was basically a repeat performance of your previous date, you spent most of your time in the hot tub hovering over Amanda’s face. When Domenico tried to insert himself in the midst of that Sapphic session, he was soundly rebuffed when Amanda poked her pink nails into his face. Sad, sad, Domenico. Sad little man.
And that, dear darling, was functionally it for last night. In a false climax, Brandi turned up at your door in tears, but you sent her back from whence she came. The you hung out at the pool, which is where MTV stole your eyebrows, and enjoyed a pleasant, fleshy afternoon that was sun-filled and gorgeous, as afternoons in Southern California frequently are.
Later, much later, you made your decision about who to eliminate. And about this we have a question. Or rather, a suspicion. All of the remaining contestants would visit their parents’ homes with you. Of all the remaining contestants, only Domenico was from Italy. The rest were born and bred Stateside. And Domenico was the one you chose to eliminate. Hmm. Did you run out of money? Could you not afford to visit Domenico’s home?
Forget that, Tila. In fact, forget all of them. We’ll fly our families out to meet you. That’s how deep our love goes.
