The Hills Poem-cap – We’ll Always Have, Like, Paris

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The Hills began the second half of their third season last night, with the usual fanfare and slinky dresses. Since the bulk of the show involves blank stares and uneaten lunches, we’ve decided to honor the few moments of reality gold left in each ep with haiku recaps of the show. Because everything Lauren, Whitney, Audrina, and the Heid-monster do can totally be narrowed down to 5, 7 and 5 syllables.

It might totally help the mood to read our poem-caps with Heidi’s latest single “No More” playing in the background. Robots have never sounded so good! Novices may think this new jam is about Spencer (whose advice column just launched today), but we totally think the track is talking about her failed relationship with Lauren. She definitely made Heidi scared to open up!

Haiku #1
Oh my god, like wow.
Seriously, oh my god.
We’re in France, bitches!

Haiku #2
Who skis in make-up?
Spencer’s dream woman, obvi.
Go get her, tiger!

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Ordinary Mom: Kardashians Stink!

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Yep, we in the blogosphere take for granted the fact that there’s a wealth of nimrods these days. Danny Bonaduce calls Brit, Linds, Paris and Nicole the “four horsewomen of the apocalypse” – he may be right. But for the most part we’ve come to accept the wondrous nonsense that passes for celeb behavior. That’s why it’s refreshing to hear what a plain old mom thinks of the reality show era in its current state. Here’s one woman’s view – sounds like she’s just finished screening the first three eps of Kim, Kourtney, and Kloe’s weekly extravaganza.

Tuesday: Linds Wishes She Had a Sex Tape

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lilo.jpgLindsay Mad About Nonexistent Sex Tape
LiLo apparently left her ex angry messages about the sex tape he “leaked,” even though it wasn’t of her. Talk about desperate for attention. [The Sun]

Paris Hilton’s Terrifically Tacky Shoe Line
P’s new shoe line is more hooker then heiress. But hey, isn’t she? [DListed]

Don’t Call it a Comeback – Call it Britney on TV
Her 15 minutes of televised fame may be over, but her 15 minutes of relative sanity are just beginning. The old Brit is back and brand-new! [TMZ]

Diddy Settles Slugfest Out of Court
The rapper doesn’t do court, but he does pay people off. It’s too bad, cuz we wanted to hear the details of him screaming “I’ll smack flames out your ass!” in court. Yes, he allegedly said that. [E! Online]

Pamela Anderson Ends her Mini-Marriage
Let’s all pour one out for the inevitable demise of the stupidest idea since K-Fed and Brit made it legal. We’ll miss you, sham marriage. [Us]

Nothin’ But Class at Perez’s 30th B-day Bash

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Perez Hilton turned 30 over the weekend and celebrated with a fiesta at the Beverly Hills Wilshire Hotel. Partygoers included Teddy Hilton (his mini Goldendoodle), Heidi Montag, Spencer Pratt, Amanda Bynes, Marc Jacobs, his mama, Jerry O’Connell, Khloe Kardashian (where was Kim?), Andy Milonakis, and Katie Perry. See pics below.

Kim K. Experiments with Gold Duct Tape

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Ahhhh, Kim Kardashian. The shopgirl-turned-trashy TV star is always fashion forward and an explorer of the avant garde (ie, the skimpiest dresses possible). And so we’d like to take a second to honor her recent red carpet outfit pick – this “dress,” which essentially looks like an exploration of the many uses of gold duct tape. Kim rocked the frock last week with boyfriend Reggie Bush on her arm, and we applaud her fearless attempt at fashion. A dress that shows of every inch of her body is daring, yes. But to do so in an outfit that looks like it was taped together and stuck to her skin? Now that is a true fashion risk. [Getty]

Diddy’s Makin’ the Baby Band

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Diddy got down with a slew of his prodigies at Saturday night’s Making the Band season finale. New bad boys Day 26 were present, obvs, as was Danity Kane, his golden girl group. But the ladies who stole the show are barely able to walk on their own, much less sing. The hip hop mogul flashed his twin daughters D’Lila Star and Jessie James at the taping, and if he hasn’t yet prepped his babies for a career in showbiz, he should. Singing twins would send Jess and Ash and Beyonce and Solange running for the Hollywood Hills.

More pics of the night are below for your viewing pleasure. And if your ears need a little love, you listen to Danity Kane‘s recent hit album on Rhapsody, and can preview the entire Day 26 album – set to drop tomorrow – right here.

George Michael: Tour Dates Today, CD Tomorrow

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george-michael-150x.jpgBack in the day, arenas full of die-hard fans knew that George Michael was one of the most kinetic performers in pop. So of course they were bummed when he stopped touring for 15 years. Last fall he ended that hiatus by romping around European stages, bringing the hits and the new stuff to life. Now he’s headed to the U.S. After the jump you’ll find a list of the cities that he’ll visit.

And if you want to find out what that “new stuff” sounds like, be back at VH1.com tomorrow. The Leak is streaming his TwentyFive disc in its entirety for a week. While it’s heavy on the classic tracks, it’s also got six new titles: “An Easier Affair,” “This Is Not Real Love,” “Heal The Pain” (duet with Sir Paul McCartney), “Understand,” and “As” (featuring Mary J. Blige), which was previously unreleased in America. Might be a smart move to put “Freedom” on your fone to prepare for all this GM action. Are you psyched to see Mr. Michael rolling again?
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Chris Brown Boogies for the Brits

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When Chris Brown isn’t hanging out at the top of the charts thanks to “Miss You” and his Jordin Sparks duet “No Air,” he’s showing off his super-agile performer moves on stage somewhere. Over the weekend it was London and the IndigO2 arena. Check out the photos of what was surely an entertaining evening. And don’t forget that Rhapsody has a couple sweet remixes of “With You” that give Brown’s valentine a completely different personality.