Harold & Kumar 2, Abridged & Swear-riffic

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The culture vultures at NYMag.com point to a very not-safe-for-work video (above), which is composed of scenes from the most heavily anticipated motion picture of all time: Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay. In the film, Harold (John Cho) and Kumar (Kal Penn) are arrested on suspicion of terrorism and sent to America’s vacation destination for evil-doers. The clip above condenses the film into only the parts that involve swearing. If you were worried about Harold and Kumar becoming family-friendly, rest assured they are not. They are, in fact, family-unfriendly. And so is Neil Patrick Harris!

Leona Gets a Push From Oprah & Simon

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Leona Lewis, our ultra-talented You Oughta Know artist, made her American TV debut on Oprah‘s show yesterday, and yep, she did some convincing. Remember the background. The young British singer won the UK version of American Idol and Simon Cowell‘s been inching her forward ever since. Listen to the way that Ms. Lewis swoops around the melody of “Bleeding Love.” Watch the video for the song right here. Make sure you’re here on April 1. We’ll be streaming the U.S. release of Lewis’ Spirit disc a week before it hits the racks.

Tuesday: Sex Tape and the City

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kristindavis.jpgThere’s No Kristin Davis Sex Tape
No, that’s NOT Charlotte from Sex and the City in that amateur porn vid, no matter how much the chick looks like her. [Ok]

Woah! Brit Looks Good on How I Met Your Mother
Either our eyes are deceiving us, or Britney looks, gulp, HOT in these pics!!! [Star]

Lindsay’s Pal busted for Assaulting Teen Girls
One of LiLo’s friends has been arrested for sexually assaulting two teen girls. Can you say “bad influence,” Linds? [NYP]

Halle Drops $60,000 on Baby Junk
Her daughter will be living in an organic wonderland with a neutral color palette. Even the cool Hollywood moms are crazy. [NYDN]

Anna Nicole’s Son Daniel Stole her Dope
New testimony from Larry Birkhead revealed that Anna’s son Daniel got caught stealing her methadone. [Us]

Join Mystery and His Pick-Up Artist Crew

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Admit it: you got hooked on last year’s hit The Pick-Up Artist and admired Mystery’s skills with the ladies. Maybe you wished you could get schooled by the stud and his wingmen and transform from a D&D loving dork into a smooth operator, just like Kosmo, last season’s winner. Well now you can! The show is coming back for a second season, and VH1 is hosting a virtual casting call to round up those guys most in need of the Mystery Method! Visit our site, create your profile, and share videos, photos and blogs that prove to the world why you most deserve to study under the master’s watchful eye (covered in ski goggles, natch). All you gotta do is make it to our final casting round and receive the most votes, and you’re in Mystery’s mansion!

Check out the site here to create your profile and peep other hopefuls. And if you’re already a mack-daddy but have a friend in need, you can nominate your pal for a spot on the show.

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Hear the New Madonna Track Tomorrow

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You’ve seen the CD cover to Madge’s new Hard Candy. You’ve seen Justin Timberlake working the sexual innuendos about his MILFy workmate. Now our buds at Rhapsody are going to be streaming the first track from the disc. Come back here tomorrow and you’ll be able to blast “Four Minutes” for zero cost. It’s the track that a French DJ exposed a bit too early just a few weeks ago, and it’ll give you a taste of what you can expect from the full disc when it drops on April 29. Set your alarm: return tomorrow.

Heidi vs. Lauren: Who Will You Wear?

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Lauren Conrad (seen above in her own design) debuted her latest fashion collection in Hollywood last week, just as her former BFF Heidi Montag was doing press for her new line, coming to Anchor Blue in April. Heidi aimed some fighting words at her frenemy, telling Us Weekly, “Lauren’s line is not necessarily something I would wear. She’s trying a high-fashion thing, but it’s a little overpriced. Mine is fun and flirty for the everyday woman. Most people can’t afford $200 for one dress.”

She has a point, but can most people afford to go out in a zebra-print tank top? You can check out some other pics of Heidi’s line here, as well as some pieces from Lauren’s collection below. If neither of the girls’ designs appeal to you, never fear, Hills hottie Whitney Port is also launching a collection of cute party dresses, tops and jackets. Poor Audrina better think of something fashion-related to do, and fast!

[Images: Getty, Us Weekly]

Rock of Love: Laughing at the Guru

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What makes a rock star? Normally, that honor is reserved for those who are both famous musicians and possessed of a devil-may-care attitude toward life. In today’s Rock Star Moment, however, Bret Michaels shows a distinctly softer side, pairing loose cannon Kristy Joe (who was slightly more married than she let the Poison front man know) with Eastern Master Healer Satish Dholakia. Noting how distraught she is, the guru attempts to help settle her soul and bring her chakras back into alignment — a pretty hopeless endeavor, considering. He asks her if she’s ever seen a “crazy mountain.” She hasn’t, of course, but she’s shown all of us a mountain of crazy. Bless Bret. He’s such a kind man. It’s a sweet gesture, but is it very rock-star?

Kimora: Fabulosity and Scientology

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kimora_lee_simmonsLooks like Scientology is looking to recruit some fresh blood, and being that they’re an equal opportunity establishment, they’d like some African-American representatives to preach their gospel. According to Radar, Kimora Lee Simmons and Will Smith and his wife Jada are the latest couch-jumpers to join the ranks. Smith and his wife — longtime friends and photo opps of Tom Cruise — make sense, but Kimora? Apparently the recently sperminated Baby Phat founder distributed copies of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard’s The Way To Happiness at her kids’ school. Umm…inappropriate?

And speaking of inappropriate, or maybe just awkward, more evidence of Tom Cruise’s completely bizarro ways has surfaced in the form of his birthday video from a few years back. After a video montage with accompanying music to Tommy’s greatest scenes, Tom hops on stage for a
rousing rendition of “Old Time Rock And Roll.” Just goes to show kids: Scientology might make you famous, but it won’t make you any less tone deaf.

For clues as to who else in Hollywood is a Friend of Tom’s, check out our Sexy Scientologist flipbook.

Real World Stars Lookin’ Real Rough

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MTV threw some sort of Real World Awards Bash this weekend in La La Land, and the scene looked something like our teenage TV obsession on acid. All your favorites walked the red carpet, with some looking a little less glamorous than others (like Tanya, Trishelle and Shauvon, pictured above). Real World Las Vegas tar Trishelle donned her usual skanky get-up, but the result was more sad than sexy. Is it possible she’s getting – gasp! – old? Never fear, Malik and Lori – cast members from Season 10 who have wisely flown under the radar since their Real World stint – look hotter than ever. Peep the pics below.

[Pictured: Trishelle, Shauvon, Trisha, Tanya, Mallory, Danny and Melinda, CT, Brooke and Tanya, Paula, Arissa, Malik, Coral, and Lori, Beth, Sarah, Tyler. All images: Getty]

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