Every week we round up selections from the funniest, most obscene and brutal film criticism out there so that you don’t waste your cash at the theaters and laugh a little at Hollywood’s expense. This week: Mr. Woodcock isn’t Bad Santa, but then, it’s not the holidays yet and Billy Bob Thornton isn’t as spry as he used to be.
“Does anyone at this late date recall a movie starring Billy Bob Thornton in which he doesn’t yell at retarded f*cking kids and bark at their stupid parents?” – The Village Voice
“[They should have made] a movie about fourth lead Amy Poehler . . . [who plays] Maggie Hoffman: a brawling, liquor-fuelled publicist who lives for bagging A-journalist pelts. When she lands Oprah for bestselling author John Farley (Seann William Scott), a self-help guru, Maggie is gay as a thrush. Then John bails from Oprah upon discovering his mom (Susan Sarandon) is about to marry the vile Mr. Woodcock. Maggie takes the defection very badly, gargling vodka while flying next to an empty seat to Chicago. A flight attendant approaches, bearing a cart of tiny airline liquors. ‘Can I get a real bottle?’ Maggie hisses, baring her teeth. ‘I’m an alcoholic, not a Barbie doll.’” – The Globe and Mail
Britney Wants to Give Us More; We’re Not So Interested
The aging orange-colored pop tart is allegedly in discussions with Emmy producers about this Sunday’s show. It seems she might want to apologize to the nation for her performance last Sunday at the VMAs. Sidebar: Anyone rent Groundhog Day lately? [Us Weekly]
Embarrassed Vanessa Hudgens Cancels on Leno
After the full-frontal nudie pix of the star circulated the Net, Hudgens decided to lay low and keep out of the spotlight for awhile. That’s understandable, except that it’s a strategy that won’t work. The soundtrack to High School Musical 2 has sold eleventy-billion copies, and for the under 15-set, she’s more famous than anyone, basically. [E Online]
O.J. Arrested After Vegas B&E
Looks like Mr. If I Did It has done it again. The Juice, a once respected football player and mildly comedic actor, was arrested on suspicion of breaking into a Las Vegas hotel room. He was released. Then he sort-of-kind-of confessed. It’s all very confusing. [TMZ]
Fred Durst’s Voice Isn’t His Only Deadly Weapon
The Limp Bizkit singer pleaded no-contest to charges that he tried to plow into two people with his car back in October of last year. [Hollywood.com]
Tori Spelling Goes to Broadway
Tori and her husband Dean might co-star in the Broadway production of Chicago. Hey, big spenders, won’t you spend a little time with us? [People]
Jonesing for music on your television set? You’ve come to the right place, rockers! Check out our shortlist below. For more extensive listings, read VH1’s Rock on TV schedule daily.
Walk the Line, 11:20 a.m. (EST), HBO Zone: Joaquin Phoenix does an absolutely spooky job channeling the Man in Black in this Oscar-nominated flick about Johnny Cash’s lifethat set the bar for biopics. Brilliant performance scenes feature actors doing all their own singing, and singers doing some acting (Shooter Jennings, Tyler Hilton), but not in a Madonna-Swept Away kind of way. We promise.
Pretty in Pink, 8:00 p.m. (EST), AMC: This ’80s teen angst opus pretty much defined what a soundtrack should do — mixing power pop titans like New Order and INXS amongst sh*t you’d never heard before. John Hughes Poster Girl Molly Ringwald stars, and her former boyfriend and Zappa progeny Dweezil gets a SAG card with a line in a club scene.
- It turns out that Foxy Brown isn’t pregnant, after all. The only thing she’s giving birth to is some bulls***. [CONCRETELOOP]
- Flavor Flav is photographed spending quality time with his youngest daughter. Think the Flavor of Love 3 mansion will have a nursery wing? [Crunk + Disorderly]
- Ryan Phillippe reveals he considered suicide after his marriage with Reese Witherspoon fell apart. See, it’s hard not to get attached to your breadwinner. [Dlisted]
- Shaquille O’Neal‘s bus features a mural that pictures him in famous scenes from Scarface, The Sopranos and the like. Damn, it feels good to be a wanksta. [CityRag]
- Katie Holmes is a terrible photographer. Scientology rears its head yet again! [Seriously? OMG! WTF?]
Foxy’s Gonna Have Her Baby Behind Bars
Pregnant Foxy Thrown in Jail
Foxy Gets Pregnant, Engaged & Arrested
Below is yet another closer look at some of the men who’ll appear on I Love New York 2. This group is the Mama’s Boys — all of them were hand-picked by Sister Patterson. Let’s hope she didn’t scratch them.
This will be the last group of close-ups we release on this blog. To get the bigger picture on the Internet Guys, you’ll have to watch the I Love New York 2 Casting Special, which is set to air Oct. 1 on VH1. Until then, feast your eyes on the hotness:
More Close-ups of New York’s Men
The Men of I Love New York 2 – A Closer Look
Meet New York’s Men!
New York ‘s New Look (Sister Patterson Too!)
New York says: “Welcome to My Home!”
“But really, who doesn’t suck d*** in this world?” says Brandi M., when asked about her infamous fellatio-referencing nickname. But whether you choose to call her, “B***j** Brandi,” “B.B.” or “Wild Thing,” in the interview below, Brandi proves that a rose by any other name is just as thorny. After the jump, Brandi talks about her frequent bouts with alcohol poisoning (nine times and counting!), her flip-flopping emotions on her final episode, mixing vodka with her Russian heritage and why she has all the respect in the world for strippers.
And then there were three…Heather, Jes and Lacey. Still think you know what Bret Michaels wants and needs? Let us know which girl the Poison frontman will cut from the house next and which girls he’ll ask to stay. Sneak Peek Sunday’s show, then make your picks.
Which of the three remaining ladies has the best chemistry with Bret?
Brandi M. got the boot last week. Did you forecast her fall?
Which fallen girl would you like to see Bret invite back into the house?
Sneak Peek Episode 10
Episode 9 Recap
Browse ‘Rock of Love’ Photos
‘Rock of Love’ Show Info
So the rumors were true – Britney, her ex Justin Timberlake, and uber-producer Timbaland were set to mix it up in the studio together and make that whole Britney Comeback thing an actual reality – and a success. What could have been “the best thing that ever happened,” according to Tim, is now just a dream. “It’ll never happen,” the producer said recently. “Nah. It could’ve, but it won’t.”
So what went wrong? Apparently BritBrit got “big-headed” (of course) and “[was] like, ‘Screw you, screw you, I don’t need nobody.’” And she’s right – all she needs is an assistant, a couple of babies, an all-night party, a set of crappy extensions, a few lollipops, her ciggies, and a bottle of Southern Comfort, ya’ll. Timbaland claims Brit could still make the magic happen if she just apologized, but we know that this is one stubborn Southern girl. Just ask her estranged parents. Instead, we better just add this to the long list of Britney’s career suicide attempts. We’re scared to see what it’ll look like when she finally succeeds. [MTV. Image: Getty]
Britney Bombs on the VMAs
VMA Recap: What Happens in Vegas…
Britney Sprayed on Fake Abs for the VMAs
Britney & Madonna: Terrorist Targets?
Britney’s VMA Flop: Conspiracy Theories
Britney Chugged Booze Instead of Rehearsing
Brit Excuses: The Dog Ate My Performance