The Weekly Wrap Up: Halle’s Hot, Tommy’s Rude & Heidi Just Wants to Be a Star

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Brit & K-Fed Doin’ the Nasty in Court Today

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In one corner, weighing the same as 657 cans of Sugar Free Redbull and 17 packs of Kools, is “living legend” Britney Spears! In the other corner, decked out in a brand new, 5 carat pair of cubic zirconia stud earrings, Kevin “Socks with Flops” Federline! Ladies and gentlemen, let the greatest, trashiest custody battle/slug fest of the century begin!

Game Day Breakdown

Start Time: 3 PM. EST today – complete with live streaming video of all the courthouse action!
Location: Los Angeles Superior Court – which is on lockdown.
Surprise Plays: K-Fed and his lawyers have already asked that Britney’s deposition be taped, as she was apparently a real wise-ass during her last appearance in court.
Expected Winner: Federline is looking good – and we already have seen him making winning moves in the past (remember that nice one he pulled marrying a vulnerable, naive millionaire and then snagging all her dough?). But Britney could wow the judge with her revamped parenting skills – just yesterday she took her kids to a pumpkin patch, and she didn’t drive away without them! She also purchased a new swing set – though it could always be for her and not her babies.

GAME ON!

Friday’s Reviews Rage: Saw IV

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Every week we round up selections from the funniest and most brutal film criticism out there so that you don’t waste your cash at the theaters and laugh a little at Hollywood’s expense. This week: Sadistic serial killer Jigsaw returns in Saw IV, a movie of such inept direction and shoddy script-writing, the critics have begun to wonder whether horror films are merely elaborate Hollywood exercises in money laundering. By the way, you’ll never guess which film this week wasn’t screened for critics.

“Boasting more posthumous recordings than Tupac, Jigsaw should have spent time devising clever new traps instead of buying Radio Shack’s entire inventory of tape recorders. Between pathetic sound effects, embarrassing lines like, ‘What you can’t do is save everyone,’ and mixed-up chronology that may break your watch, the sick pleasure that once came from the sound of screaming, morally conflicted people now sounds only like cash registers ringing up another undeserving hit.” - The Chicago Times

“The need to incorporate familiar characters and icons from the earlier films, together with flashbacks that flesh out Jigsaw’s pre-‘puppet master’ past, simply leads to an irritating series of creative dead ends. Truly, a hack-‘Saw’.” – Time Out London

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Britney & Lindsay’s Moms Hog the Spotlight

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lynne-dina.jpgWanna know why Lindsay and Britney are all sorts of effed up? Look no further than the ladies that popped ‘em out. Dina Lohan and Lynne Spears both seem to prefer spending time focusing the spotlight on themselves than helping their kids. And this is why we LOVE them! Because really, can we ever have too many trashy ladies in our life? Even though Lindsay may be hiding out from the paparazzi for the first time in her life, Dina is busy mom-ing for the cameras for her new – what elsereality show! Dina will surely ruin her younger daughter Ali’s life by forcing her to star in it, but her reasons for the sure-to-be flop are true and genuine. “There are so many misconceptions about me and my family,” Mama Lohan said. “I’m setting the record straight.” Roughly translated, she means “Money money money money money fame money I’m jealous of Lindsay money money.”

Meanwhile the woman who soiled the world with her Spears spawn is set to write a tell-all book about her “personal story of raising high-profile children while coming from a low-profile Louisiana community.” Will Lynne detail how she enabled one of them to become a coked up divorcee and mom of two by the age of 25? We can only hope! That’s some seriously high-profile shizz! [Getty]

Kim Kardashian’s Big Ass Birthday Bash, Part 2

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It was Kim “The Tush” Kardashian‘s birthday recently, which is about as close to a national holiday as we get around here. And though we didn’t actually make it (we think our invite got lost in the mail), luckily MySpace’s KushTV was there to document the festivities at Les Deux, the scene of many a Hollywood crime. Check out the revelers who came out to celebrate the Playboy model‘s 27th, and what Kim wants for her birthday.

Peep bootylicious pics from the socialite’s bash.

About Last Night: Ultra Fresh Party Pics

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Movie premieres, awards shows, benefit concerts, and plain old clubbin’ – even though most of us are at home, the beautiful peeps are living it up somewhere. About Last Night puts you in touch with all the action.

Renee Zellweger, Tina Fey, Jerry Seinfeld, Chris Rock, and Matthew Broderick walked the yellow carpet at the Bee Movie premiere in NYC.

Tila Tequila (in teeny tiny overalls), Xhibit, and Panic! at the Disco attended Gavin Maloofs Exclusive Housewarming Party.

Many celebs such as Gwen Stefani, Diddy, Jay-Z, L.A. Reid, Petra Nemcova, Bono, Iman, and David Bowie got glamorous for a good cause at the Conde Nast 4th Annual Black Ball for the “Keep A Child Alive” foundation.

Kim Kardashian, Bai Ling, and Marques Houston were among those who attended the Somebody Help Me premiere.

The VH1 Blog Interview – Mandy Lynn

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“Are you the one that calls me ‘Mandolin?,’” said Mandy Lynn during my recent interview with her. Guilty as charged! “I was like, ‘I’m gonna kill him!’ What is that? That’s like a guitar or something.” Luckily, I lived to relate my conversation with Mandy Lynn. After the jump, the booted America’s Most Smartest Model contestant-slash-MySpace celeb talks about her resentment for Mary Alice Stephenson, which guy in the house she thought was hot and why she couldn’t possibly finish that piece of chocolate cake.

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Rock Band Band (Part II): Irrational Hatred of Canada, Tearing Down the Berlin Wall and the Sweet Sweet Love of Nikola Tesla

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Rock Band Band is the greatest band ever to grace the semi-fictional stage. Their performances are legendary. Their attitude influenced generations. And their grooming habits left a lot to be desired. Before their reunion tour, we caught up with them to discover what, exactly, they need to function when they’re on the road.

VH1: What’s your least favorite part of touring?
Rock Band Band:
It’s always hard to understand people when they’re not speaking English. People in other cites, like Europe and Asia, they speak weird. And we can’t understand them, except when they get it right and say things like “television” or “popcorn.” It’s really hard for us.

VH1: Do you have a least favorite city? Most favorite city?
RBB:
We hate all of Canada because they embarrassed us when they banned us from their country. Canada is the worst city in the entire world. We love NYC, the giant fruity apple, because it’s home, and everyone there knows our names and they treat us like the rock royalty that we are.

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The Office: “Oh D” Is Our New Motto

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Dear Employees,

This week, the gang at Dunder Mifflin attempts to create a commercial that is like “MTV on crack.” Did they succeed? Did Andy ever touch lips with Angela? Is Jim’s Second Life character hotter than the real-life version? Here is what we learned this week – review this information promptly as I outline new company rules below inspired by last night’s episode.

Regards,

Your Creative Boss

1. Listen to Dwight: Second Life is not a game. It is awesome. Also, there is no flying allowed in the office.

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30 Rock: Best Lines of the Night

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Carrie Fisher shows up as Rosemary, Liz’s old-school comedy idol. Paul Scheer shows up as Kenneth’s boss, NBC’s evil Head Page. Tracy tries to resolve some father issues by working with Jack and a therapist. Liz wins $10 thousand dollars in the company’s “Followship” program. Jenna, back to her original weight, accidently burns Kenneth‘s page jacket. It was a thick web of action last night. What was your favorite moment?

Jenna: If I can’t be Monique fat I have to be Terri Hatcher thin – either way you’re laughing.


Jack
: What are you going to do with the money, Lemon, put in a 401 K?
Liz: Yeah…I gotta get one of those.
Jack: What, where do you invest your money, Liz?
Liz: I’ve got like 12 grand in checking.
Jack: Are you, like, an immigrant?

Liz: I grew up wanting to be you.
Rosemary: I grew up wanting to be Samantha Stephens on Bewitched. The closest I got was being married to a gay guy for two years.
Liz: You are my heroine, and by heroine I mean lady hero; I don’t want to inject you and listen to jazz.

Tracy: Hey Jack, if you “desecrate” something, is that bad?
Jack: Tracy, what happened now?
Tracy: I doubt if anybody noticed (cut to Tracy singing the National Anthem at a stadium ball game) ‘Who brought broads and bright stars/to the party last night/For the rascals we fought…’ (cut back) Who would have known that there was so many words – [that song] is like a Mos Def CD!

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