Kiefer Sutherland is Drunk – Again

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Jack Bauer may torture people and stuff, and sure he gets hooked on heroin to solve national crimes. But does he get sloshed and then drive around? Doubtful – not even if the survival of mankind depended on it! He’s just not that kind of guy. But guess what – Kiefer Sutherland is! He was arrested Tuesday morning for failing a sobriety test, and may be in some serious trouble as he’s already on probation for another DUI – bringing his total DUI count up to four. Hopefully Kiefer will channel his inner-Bauer to get out of this mess (kinda like he does in the above video clip). He may not be above the law, but the character he plays on TV is. It’s pretty much the same thing! [Mollygood]

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Wednesday: J. Lo’s Water Works

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jlo092607.jpgJ. Lo Weeps at Bronx School Visit
The singer got all teary-eyed visiting her old elementary school. Sounds like someone’s feeling a bit hormonal…we wonder why? [Us Weekly]

Paris Goes Champagne Crazy in NYC
The starlet and her new boyfriend found themselves with thirteen free bottles of champagne sent over by fans at two NYC clubs. Guess Paris is even more fun to stare at when she’s hammered. [NY Post]

Pam’s Bad Behavior Worries Pals
The MILF is partying super hard with new boyfriend (and Paris’ sex tape partner) Rick Solomon by her side. We hope her kids are watching and learning! [NY Post]

The Hills’ Heidi Admits Implants

It only took her six months to reveal what we already knew – her boobs are as fake as her engagement to Spencer. [Us Weekly]

X-Tina Shows Off Big Baby Bump
Christina’s not even trying to hide her growing belly anymore, which only makes it less fun to talk about. [X17]

“Don’t Tase Me Bro” Rocks the Web

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Can’t get enough of that student who was tasered at a John Kerry speech last week? The incident – and his infamous cry of “Don’t Tase Me Bro!” – lives on forever on the web, inspiring a ton of “Don’t Tase Me Bro!” musical numbers for your listening pleasure. Why there’s:

Police weapons have never sounded this good before!

Blog Best-Of: Houston’s Homecoming

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whitney_links.jpg- Whitney Houston is photographed looking absolutely ravishing. Take that, crack cocaine! [A Socialite's Life]

- A wise woman once said: “Ladies pinch, whores wear rouge.” Sarah Jessica Parker obviously did not take note. [The Blemish]

- Courtney Love denies Sharon Osbourne‘s claim that she gave Jack Osbourne drugs: “I would never give drugs to a teenager.” Duh! Courtney’s supply is for tweens only! [Dlisted]

- Dita Von Teese teams with PETA to promote “animal birth control.” But not abstinence because really, with legs like that, she’d just be a hypocrite. [Popbytes]

- will.i.am says: “When I wrote ‘My Humps,’ I said, ‘This is the stupidest thing ever,’ but in a good way.” Well, he’s half right. [Crunk + Disorderly]

Dre Going Away?

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dre_retiring.jpgDon’t get so comfortable staring at Dr. Dre‘s freshly ripped physique — there may soon come a time that we barely see him at all. The 42-year-old hip-hop superproducer and sometime rapper has announced that Detox will be his final solo album, chalking that up to the fact that rapping is “a young man’s game.” He has no plans of dropping out of hip-hop all together, though — he just plans on remaining behind the boards as a producer (next up is Eminem‘s album). Says Dre:

When I think of the future, I think a lot of Quincy Jones and how he is an inspiration. Look at the quality of his work over so many years. He didn’t even make his best record, Thriller, until he was 50. That gives me something to look forward to. Nothing pulls you back into the studio more than the belief that your best record is still ahead.”

Of course, by “your best record is still ahead,” he could very well be referring to Detox, which has been pushed back again to 2008 (that means it’s eight years in the making). Dre says he only has two or three more tracks to finish, but don’t hold your breath: he could be putting it off because saying goodbye is so damn hard. [Los Angeles Times / Image: Getty]

While you’re here, check out some shots over Dre and friends over the years.

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Meg White: Music for Stained Sheets

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Meg WhiteDon’t care whether Meg White’s sex tape is real or not. Only care about which White Stripes song titles can be construed in an erotique manner. Which of her own tunes would Lady Meg listen to if she was doing the wild thing with her gentleman d’jour? Let’s start from way back and work up to the present day, and when you’re done, let us know which Detroit ditty you think has the nastiest title.

1. “Screwdriver”

2. “Slicker Drips”

3. “Sugar Never Tasted So Good”

4. “Jimmy the Exploder”

Read more…

Kanye Is Better Than You – All of You

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Not that we thought we were the “number one human being in music,” but just in case there was any confusion – we’re not. Neither are you. King Kanye West has declared himself “the president of greatness,” and apparently we chose him for the position. At least he looks like he’s enjoying himself. If only we could be his Siamese twin and tag along for the ride. [BWE]

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Tour Survival Guide: Maroon 5

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maroon_5

Our Tour Survival Guide checks in with rockers about life on the road. Here’s Maroon 5′s Adam Levine on the perils of antihistimines, yoga and the greatest city on earth.

Cold Medication Can Be Hazardous To Your Rock
I was sick and we were playing a show in Vancouver. I was really stuffed up, so I took an antihistamine, which I never take. It sped me up and made me koo-koo and weird. So I smoked a joint to mellow out, and that was just the worst idea ever. I went out there and freaked out. It was a nightmare. An hour is a long time to be on stage. It was about three years ago. I’ll never do that again. I like to save my substances for when I don’t have anything in particular to do.

The Band That Huddles Together…
It’s nice when you’re playing music with a group of guys to all be touching in a slightly homoerotic but mostly friendly way. We do the huddle thing, and we tell each other how wonderful we all think the others are. We want to all feel good about ourselves and about playing music. It’s important to huddle before every show. It keeps you in touch. You can’t go on stage without a huddle.

Read more…

Lindsay’s Rehab Release Just Days Away!

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lindsay0925.jpgDear Lindsay Lohan,

I heard today that you may leave rehab this weekend. I was immediately scared, as it means you will surely be getting into all sorts of trouble very soon and I’ll have no choice but to write about it and get my carpal tunnel syndrome all messed up again. Ouch. There’s some important stuff you need to know about, as a lot has changed since you stole that car high on coke and ended up back in ‘hab. Hopefully this will help make your transition back to Hollywood – and back onto the mighty gossip blogs – fun n’ easy!

1. Vanessa Hudgens is the new you.
This chick is hotter, younger, and has real live naked pics for us to drool over! And she’s actually been in a popular movie this year. She has replaced you and therefore you must fight with her when you fall off the wagon at Hyde/Winston’s/Les Deux.

2. Having a baby is not a trend just because Nicole Richie is doing it.
I’d steer clear of doing this until you’ve been with your latest boy toy for at least three weeks – maybe a month.

3. Paris Hilton is now dating a uber-hot pizza delivery boy from Sweden.
You’ll be expected to get with a janitor from the lost city of Atlantis. Cheeseball married guys who wear bandanas and claim to be in bands do not count.

4. George Clooney has a new girlfriend.
Now would be the right time for you to try to steal him away.

5. Stop making that effing peace sign.
Just because.

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