Tequila, light of my life, fire of my loins.
My sin, my soul. Te-qui-la: the tip of the tongue
taking a trip of three steps down the palate
to tap, at three, on the teeth. Te. Qui. La.
– Matt and Jonathan, the VH1 Blog
Would you believe, Tila, that we wrote this poem for you? It should be as clear as the report of a rifle that we adore you, that we would never forsake you, that you belong with us. It should also be clear that your suitors can’t even gather the courage to eat a perfectly cooked piece of bull flesh in your honor. We’d expect more, at least from the lesbians. You asked the remaining ninnies in the house to “man up” while each eating a bull’s penis and testicles. Perhaps it was the anatomical arrangement of the flesh, pictured below, that made them so queasy.
Surely, some of the men were eager to close their pretty lips around such privy parts. We remember Bobby, who won this genitals-eating competition, orally copulating a bottle in a recent episode. As for the rest, they would have fared better had they practiced mind over matter. Let’s look at how your suitors performed.
Like this (Brandi):
And this (Amanda):
And this (Steven):
And this (Venessa):
And, finally, this (Venessa, again):
It was Bring a Celebrity to the Picket Line in Los Angeles yesterday, and tons of big stars were out to support the TV writers on strike. Everyone from Ben Stiller to Ray Romano and Sarah Silverman put on their sneakers and took to the streets, getting behind the folks that make them look good on screen. We picked out the big guns for you to browse through below.
Putting their pens down: Sarah Silverman, Kathy Griffith, Matthew Perry, Lisa Kudrow, Seth Green, Laura Linney, Minnie Driver, Lily Tomlin, Marg Helgenberger, Jason Alexander, Ben Stiller, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Ray Romano, Zach Braff, Donald Faison.
Dear little dancing girl who loves to sing the Backstreet Boys in an off-key voice while waving her hands like she just don’t care what rhythm is,
Hey there. We are a lot older than you and therefore smarter by default (and thanks to some mortifying life experiences). Here is some sage advice: turn off the webcam. Place it into a pillowcase, along with your glasses, stripped sweater and computer. Get in your parents’ car (this is totally fine), drive to the closet lake (we’re guessing Erie), steal a boat (again, acceptable in this situation) and drive it out into the middle of the lake. Now dump everything in the water, make sure it falls far away to the bottom, turn around, drive the boat and car home, and never look back.
PS: Watch your language!
PPS: We love you.
Ladies and gentlemen, meet your Sexiest Man of 2007: Matt Damon. I know right? A total travesty. He looks muddled, lost and in need of some serious love from that magical nymph better known as airbrushing. The worst part is, Matt knows it too! It’s as if that pic was snapped right as Matt was uttering “Are you serious, guys?” So let’s take the pressure off our of pal Matt, and offer up some other worthy men who may be willing to take on the cause of being damn sexy in ’07.
Okay maybe this is a stretch seeing as Maddox Jolie-Pitt is only six, but we think he beats out his dad Brad in the sexy category hands down. And no, it’s not cause we’re pedophiles, but because we respect the man who can shut Angelina Jolie up. Mad’s not afraid to use the force – of his tiny hands – to stop the Mother Saint from preaching. Now isn’t that like the sexiest thing a guy can do?
Don’t you miss Midget Mac? Ever since New York gave him the boot on I Love New York 2, things haven’t been the same. His gruff little laugh, buff arms and willingness to tell it like it is – always – is a whole lot more attractive than Mr. Damon and his head full of hair product. Plus he’s genuinely looking for love! We say sexy! Read more…
“I grew up being teased because I have really small arms. I love my arms now. I don’t want big fat arms. I’m a woman, I’m supposed to be nice and dainty,” says the latest of America’s Most Smartest Model‘s booted contestant, Blonde Rachel. And the verbal gems keep rolling. After the jump, Rachel talks about her unceremonious elimination, eating-disorder allegations and the “free porn” she and V.J. provided the camera crew with. Oh yeah, she goes there.
We always enjoy it when actual sentences come out of Heidi Montag‘s mouth, because she spends most of her time on The Hills muttering things like “Yeah!” and “I mean,” and of course “I love Spencer!” All nonsense. But who knew the girl was gonna come forward and reveal that she’s a religious, Bible-reading bookworm who’s like, totally acted in an “old English play?” In an interview in the latest issue of Blender we meet the real Heidi, and if you believe her, Meryl Streep better watch her back. She says:
- She’s a natural actor! “I’ve always been singing. I’ve been dancing since I was 2—hip-hop, jazz, tap, everything. I was a wicked stepsister in Cinderella. I was a fairy in A Midsummer Night’s Dream. I was Beatrice in . . . an old English play. Acting, singing, dancing —it’s always been in me.”
- She’s gonna like, totally win one of those statue things. “I also plan to win an Oscar. I’m very ambitious.”
- Her engagement is real, she just hates wearing it because it’s painful and fugly. “I take it off at night because it’s big and I don’t want it getting caught in my hair or scratching my face…”
- She loves Jesus! “I like to read a couple books at once…Right now I’m also reading the Bible, beginning to end. I’m very religious. That’s how I’ve gotten to where I am.”
Ah yes, religion has totally led her to backstab her best friend, fall in love with the devil, and fill her body with plastic so she can pose in various bikinis on a beach. Amen girlfriend!
Movie premieres, awards shows, benefit concerts, and plain old clubbin’ – even though most of us are at home, the beautiful peeps are living it up somewhere. About Last Night puts you in touch with all the action.
A visibly pregnant Christina Aguilera, Kimberly Stewart, Nicole Scherzinger, Christine D’Amore, Adrienne Curry, and Samantha Ronson attended the party for the Nationwide Launch Of Rock The Vote 2008.
Heath Ledger, Julianne Moore, Padma Lakshmi, Adrian Grenier, Elle Macpherson, and model Agness Deyn were on the red carpet at an I’m Not There screening.
Jessica Simpson’s Fake Boyfriends
Apparently her dad is responsible for planting items about Jess and Owen Wilson to help promote her image and album. Cuz everyone loves a girl who dates a charity case! [MSNBC]
Jon Bon Jovi for Governor of Jersey?
The rocker is ready to give politics a bad name. As in Governor Bon Jovi. [NYP]
Pics Prove Jake & Reese’s Love
Sure they’re boring, but they’re also kind of perfect together in that ‘sometimes it’s fun to watch paint dry’ sort of way. [Us]
Angelina Jolie the Journalist
The actress is penning a piece for The Economist, which we hope is about how making babies with Brad Pitt will change the world. [Us]
Britney Heads Back to Court
Here’s a tip Brit – have one of your babies drive and you won’t end up back in court every couple of days. [TMZ]
When Pepa takes control and plans a benefit appearance, does she end up driving Salt to laughter or crazy? Only Salt’s shrink knows for sure!
Natalie Portman Pics
It’s not often that beautiful actors combine mercury-boiling hotness with smarts, but we’ve found our dream girl in Natalie Portman. She burst onto the scene by starring in The Professional at the tender age of 13, then kept her head on her shoulders long enough to earn a college degree — from Harvard, no less. This week’s Hottie has been lauded by mainstream critics as the next Audrey Hepburn while keeping the respect of the ever-important indie dork contingent by playing both Queen Amidala in Star Wars and Zach Braff’s love interest in Garden State. And though Portman’s new flick, Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium, is decidedly more PG-13 than her recent bottom-baring turn in Hotel Chevalier (the short-film prequel to Wes Anderson’s The Darjeeling Limited), we’re still happy to crown her Hottie of the Week.
Natalie Portman Actor Info
Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium Trailer