If you have two eyes and watched Britney move around on the VMAs stage like a tired raver trying to dance at 10AM after a night of hardcore clubbing, you’ll know that there really is no conspiracy involving her crappy performance. Britney straight up sucked it, but the excuses and stories keep pouring in placing the blame for Brit’s disaster on anyone and anything. We break ‘em down below, and all they really prove is that Brit is still a sloppy mess with ratty hair.
The Boot Heel:
Theory – Britney’s boot heel snapped at the beginning of the performance (check out the video “proving” this theory above).
Response - Maybe, but a broken boot heel doesn’t put a glazed look in one’s eye.
Theory - Ken Paves – Jessica Simpson’s elfish hair stylist – was supposed to do Brit’s mane but quit at the last minute, after Brit was difficult to work with. So the singer supposedly styled her own hair with extensions from Jessica Simpson’s Hair-U-Wear line.
Response – So that’s why her hair looked so cheap! It’ still no excuse for forgetting how to lipsynch.
The Fat Pig:
Theory - MTV wanted Britney to wear a “form-flattering corset,” but Brit opted for that bikini number instead. Shortly before the show, she had an epiphany: She no longer has the body of a teenager.
Response - This doesn’t explain her failure on-stage, but maybe why she supposedly cried ‘Oh, my God, I looked like a fat pig! I looked like a fat pig!’ as she ran off-stage after her flop. Brit – for the record, you may have sucked, but you looked nice n’ healthy in that fugly bikini.
[Video via DListed]
Lindsay: Back in Court
Even though she’s in rehab, LiLo can’t escape the law, as the actress is being forced back to court to deal with a 2005 car accident. It’s almost like she’s addicted to driving like an idiot. [E Online]
Pics: Is That a J. Lo Baby Bump?
The starlet looks like she’s got a tiny baby bulge behind that fancy dress (check out the pic!). Is there a little Lopez on the way? [Just Jared]
Ashlee’s Two Men Duke It Out
Simpson’s dad and boyfriend battled with a nightclub bodyguard who pushed the starlet. Sounds real chivalrous – but what was she doing hanging with her father? [NYDN]
Timberlake Loses Voice, Cancels Shows
Aw, poor Justin. All that hollerin’ he did at the VMAs has finally caught up with him. Guess you can only bring so much sexiness back before it starts to wreck you. [Us Weekly]
MTV Attempts Peace with Kanye
The network tried to make nice with the whiny star, who vowed never to work with MTV again. Just give the guy a couple moon men so he’ll shut the eff up. [People]
Jonesing for music on your television set? Well, you’ve come to the right place! Check out our shortlist below. For more extensive listings, read VH1’s Rock on TV schedule daily.
Beach Blanket Bingo, 6:30 a.m. (EST), ELOV: Cast your mind back to a simpler time — Britney had hair, Kanye had an appropriately sized ego, and there wasn’t even a show called Flavor of Love. Now subtract forty years, and you’re in the right era for this delightful relic of singing cinema — a bike gang kidnaps a matinee idol, and sky-diving surfers are involved. With Annette Funicello, Frankie Avalon, and Brian Wilson before he lost it.
Chasing Liberty, 8:00 p.m. (EST), FAM: Now here’s a double bill you don’t see every day: Mandy “I’m not a teen pop star any” Moore with Philly hip hop outfit the Roots. Works though, in this love-on-the-run teen vehicle that features Mandums as the frustrated First Daughter, and the Roots live in concert.
It’s no secret what we think of Missy, Snoop, Tribe, WHODINI and Wild Style: we love them so much, we’re honoring them, along with Teddy Riley and Andre Harrell’s job at bringing New Jack Swing to the masses, at the 2007 Hip Hop Honors. If we were host Tracy Morgan, we might say we want to take them out back behind the middle school and get them pregnant. So since you already know what we think, we thought we’d ask some of hip hop’s deftest minds and smoothest voices what they think of the honorees. Here’s Common, who you can watch perform at the ceremony on October 8th at 10 p.m., on Missy Elliott:
Missy man! She, to me, brought in a whole new sound as far as her style of rap. It was easygoing and feel good, and at the same token there was some cleverness to it. She brought a lot of personality to the mic. Visually she did a lot of great things. She’s definitely somebody that should be noted as one of the great writers of this era. From a female perspective, I think she brought things that everybody could relate to, male or female.
Our fair sister network, MTV, has greenlit a somewhat interesting dating show: A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila. The idea behind it? Television’s very first bisexual dating game. Tila Tequila is the Internet celebrity said to be the most popular person on MySpace (and with over 2 million “friends,” whoever’s saying that just might be right). The show will feature 16 straight lesbians and 16 guys debasing themselv. . . er, vying for Tila’s love and attention. As the sexes and sexual orientations do battle, Tila becomes ever more famous and MTV breaks new ground. Or something. Says Ms. Tequila: “The only twist is that these guys and these girls have NO IDEA that I am bisexual and that they are competing against each others sexes!!! GUYS AGAINST GIRLS….WHO WILL I END UP HOOKING UP WITH????? WILL I BE STRAIGHT OR LESBIAN IN THE END?????” Jeez. They’re going to be untangling this one out in wymyn’s studies for the next 50 years or so. And that cash-register noise? Sounds like Tila’s got money in the bank. What you think about that?
Tune in to MTV October 9th at 10 p.m. and check our gallery of Tila Tequila pics.
- Now you can watch Kanye West‘s post-VMA’s temper tantrum. Someone get this guy a Moon Man with a nipple attached to pacify him. [Crunk + Disorderly]
- Rosie O’Donnell implies that Barbara Walters should retire. Simultaneously, Rosie implies that she has no idea what she’s talking about. [Dlisted]
- You know that Tom Cruise and Britney Spears suck, but did you know that they suck Starbucks coffee? [CityRag]
- Keyshia Cole reveals that she when she spotted her ex with another girl, she “tried to rip her head off.” Once she gets that veterinary degree, she’ll know how to sew it back on. [CONCRETELOOP]
- The Tyra Show‘s move to New York is represented in a Wizard of Oz-inspired montage during the season premiere. Such heart! Such nerve! The only thing Tyra’s missing? A brain. [Jezebel]
The Quotable Kanye West
Kanye vs. Kevlar King: Fiddy Got a Future?
We asked viewers of The Pick Up Artist to send us their best pick up line, and the response was overwhelming, in that we received a lot of replies and some of the lines were, well, a little…creepy? Ineffective? Straight up nasty/awesome? Regardless, we’re not sure Mystery, Matador and J-Dogg would approve. (Here’s what Junior Senior say about pick-up lines.)
Check out a few of the best lines – and our responses – below. If you think you can top these “masters,” share your own perfect pick up lines! But if it involves asking a lady if she flosses before or after she brushes, we’ll know where you got it. Try a spell instead.
1. You know… you’re hotter than flamin’ hot cheetos!
Oh look, Britney submitted. Hey girl, is this how you scored K-Fed?
2. I think someone just farted. lets get out of here.
Johnny, South Bend
- Whoops, that was me. Sorry!
3. Do you wash your pants in Windex….cuz I can see myself in them.
- Actually I’m wearing pants with your face on them. Yup – I’m creepier than you!
4. I’m a loser from Boston do you like losers?
- Only if you’re talking about the Red Sox.
You saw the group shots of the men of I Love New York 2. Now here’s your first peep at close-ups of the dudes that will attempt to win New York’s heart. We’ll be rolling these out in groups all week — the group below is of some of the Regular Casting guys. Try not to swoon when looking at Knock Out’s pictures, btw. New York sure know how to name ‘em!
Meet New York’s Men!
New York ‘s New Look (Sister Patterson Too!)
New York says: “Welcome to My Home!”
There’s something so painful about this “Britney Fan” that we dare you to try to watch this clip and not immediately want to crawl under your desk in the fetal position and shut yourself off from the world for a year or too. We did not see tears, as the video’s creator claims exists (yes, we watched it in full screen, it was hellish), but we’re sure Britney could learn a thing or two from Chris Crocker‘s performance skills. We would also like to argue that Britney has indeed performed on a stage recently. Remember those “secret shows” she did? So right. Poor, poor Britney. If we leave her alone, Chris, will you stop making horrifying YouTube videos? K’thanks.
VMA Recap: What Happens in Vegas…
Britney Bombs on the VMAs | Disastrous Photos
Britney’s Kids Have Rotting Teeth
Is Brit Beating Her Babies?
Well it’s a good thing Tommy Lee took to his personal blog to clear up the rumors about his fight with Kid Rock. We had read that Tommy had been taunting Kid all night, but now we know that he was just sitting there, minding his business, and was innocently attacked by the Detroit rap-rocker. Of course! How could we be so stupid. So why would Kid Rock smack Tommy unprovoked? He was probably pissed off that he wore a stripper’s cropped cowboy shirt to an awards show.
Read Tommy’s (edited down) blog post and let us know who you think is in the wrong:
Yeah!! …..here I am minding my own biz having a great time……Pamela comes and sits on my lap who I love and adore….and i get a text from another friend P. Diddy and he says come sit with me…..and he’s sitting with Miss HOT Megan FOX so I go over and sit with P! Not a minute later and Alicia Keys starts her amazing performance….I get a tap on the shoulder from Kid Pebble…I stand up and embrace him with a semi hug and say “Hey dude…What up”?? He punches me in the face…..well if ya wanna call it that!?….more like a bitch slap!…….Wuss!!
Tommy Lee, Kid Rock Fight Over Old Trash
VMA Recap: What Happens in Vegas…
Britney Bombs on the VMAs | Disastrous Photos