Friday’s Reviews Rage: Bee Movie

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Every week we round up selections from the funniest and most brutal film criticism out there so that you don’t waste your cash at the theaters and laugh a little at Hollywood’s expense. This week: Bee Movie is an animated film that stars the vocal talents and facial tics of Jerry Seinfeld, Chris Rock, Renee Zellweger, among others. It’s so saturated the media it seems like Dreamworks and Paramount began promoting it, oh, back in 1968 (did you watch the season premiere of 30 Rock, for instance?). Even still, the critics aren’t impressed. Not that they ever are. Fun-haters!

Bee Movie isn’t a B movie, it’s a Z movie, as in dizmal. This animated feature might have been tolerable, though for what demographic I’m not sure, if its hyper vocal star, Jerry Seinfeld, had chosen to drone. Instead, he delivers every line — every stupid bee joke that he and his cronies could cook up — with a pounding, punishing triumphalism that recalls not the Seinfeld of Seinfeld but Milton Berle on a really bad night. As you may have gleaned from a publicity campaign that’s been slightly less invasive than the influenza pandemic of 1918 . . . .” – The Wall Street Journal

“Based on the patter he comes up with for his character’s shtick, Seinfeld seems to have devolved from the witty observer of human nature we saw on TV into a bad Catskills comic.” – USA Today
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John Mayer Redefines “Shrimping”

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In our final installment of John Mayer playing a side-burned prima donna [Ed: Is there anything this guy can't do?!?] Johnny makes his three-day, music-filled cruise sound more like the Love Boat as he describes the practice of shrimping.

And though the contest to stowaway aboard Cap’n John’s ship may have ended, it’s not too late to purchase tickets for the Mayercraft cruise. Ahoy!

Oprah: Let Them Eat Cell Phones

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The abuse scandal that’s rocked Oprah Winfrey‘s South African school for girls has resulted in the arrest of the school’s matron (whatever that is). But more importantly, it’s resulted in a solution from Oprah: cell phones. Oprah is said to be passing out phones to each of the students enrolled at her school so that they can call her at any time, should a crisis erupt. In that event, Oprah will slide down the pole in her house and emerge with her cape on. And then, using nothing more than her super powers, she’ll fly over to Africa. Just a little trans-Atlantic excursion. No biggie.

These cellies are like the Bat Phone but with, y’know, more buttons. [People.com / Image: Getty]

Amy Winehouse Isn’t Even Trying

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Amy is back and more effed up than ever. Her performance at last night’s MTV Europe Music Awards is like Britney’s VMA disaster without the laughs (and bikini). It’s only more painful to watch her exuberant back up singers/dancers jam beside her as she teeters on-stage, gripping the mic for balance. The girl is so seriously incoherent and messed up that she probably walked offstage after her wobbly performance and passed out. We’d normally point out that her denim dress from 1992 borders on fashion faux pas territory, but that’s the least of our worries. This isn’t the first time Amy’s delivered a rough performance at an awards show, which is what makes this sorry showing so sad. It’s only that much more heartbreaking that while she’s singing about going “back to black,” she’s fading onstage. Words becoming life only make the whole thing worse. Someone help! [ via DListed]

 

Smartest Model Forecast: Who Will Be the Next to Go?

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You’ve watched America’s Most Smartest Model and developed opinions. Now we want to hear them: Who do you think should be the next contestant to be kicked off the show?

Still alive

To help start the conversation, we’ve asked some of our friends in fashion what they think. Today’s guest-blogger is Mickey Boardman, deputy editorial director of Paper magazine, a New York lifestyle monthly. Mickey’s an all-around style guru, adept at dispensing advice and one of the most clued-in fashion experts today. He explains who he thinks should win — and why.

“I love Pickel. I think he’s got a great personality. He’s smart and could also work as a model. If the challenge was purely physical, the person who I think could really work is V.J. He has the body and the face, but he’s such a douchebag. That’s great TV, but it doesn’t make you like him. Andre . . . it’s people like Andre who give models a bad name. I can’t see him working very much, but I was walking by a bus stop or a phone booth that had an ad for Equinox and the model in it looked like him, so maybe. I could see him in a fitness job, but he’s just so crazy and not in a fun way. As far as the girls go, I liked Mandy Lynn, the tranny-looking one with the fake lips who Mary Alice would always tell to not be so tranny-ish. She was fun. Mandy Lynn would never work as a model except for, say, posing in a bikini on a car in a mechanics’ calendar . . . and I mean that in a supportive way. Rachel Myers I’m not so into. Did she f*ck V.J. yet or no? The other Rachel, I want to like her, but I just can’t get past her face. But I’m not into the girls. The one that I liked was Erika, although she was stiff. If I had to pick one who has it all, I’d pick Pickel.”

Jesse was eliminated last episode. Did you forsee his fall?

Fallen but not forgotten

This Sunday, what do you think is going to happen?

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Friday: Colbert Canned in Carolina

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colbert-1102.jpgColbert Can’t Run for Prez
The South Carolina democrats won’t let the state’s “favorite son” on the presidential ballot. We smell a write in! [DListed]

Eminem Busy with New Babe
So this is what the rapper’s been up to for the past few year’s – getting laid. [NYP]

Britney’s Ex-Manager Sues the Star
Who hasn’t Britney screwed over in the past couple of years? At least she already knows her way around the courthouse. [Us]

Jake and Reese Heat up Halloween
The actor took Reese’s two kids trick-or-treating dressed as a gorilla. It really is love, after all! [Us]

Arrest Expected at Oprah’s School
Let this be a lesson for her school’s students – and the world. Nobody messes with Oprah, b*tches. Nobody! [People]

I Love New York Forecast: Who Should Be the Next to Go?

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I Love New York 2 is on fiah! Still think you know what New York wants and needs? Tell us which guys are safe, and who will be dismissed next episode. Comment now!

Still pimpin’

Buddha and 20 Pack got the boot last episode. Did you forecast their falls?

Fallen, but not forgotten

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Please, Lance & Ashley: Stop Making Out

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lance-ashley.jpgWe’ve heard all we need to hear. Two straight nights of Ashley Olsen sitting on Lance Armstrong‘s muscular lap like a child and shoving their respective billion dollar tongues into each other’s mouths is ENOUGH. We’re done reading about their 15-year age difference and their romantic dinners and their wine-sipping smooch sessions. We don’t care what they were doing to each other Tuesday night at the Rose Bar and we shudder to think of the secret caresses and stolen glances that took place in the wee hours this morning at the Waverly Inn. There’s something so eerily sibling-ish about these two – it’s like Lance could be the long lost male Olsen triplet, that magically aged a lot faster than Mary-Kate and Ash. Citizens of the world, we must come together to put an end to this creepy coupling! [NYP. Getty]

Blog Best-Of: Mary’s Mona Lisa

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mary_links3.jpg- Mary J. Blige‘s Growing Pains album art surfaces. Why the long face, Mary? Show me that smile again… [SOULBOUNCE.com]

- And speaking of album covers, the one for Foxy Brown‘s Brooklyn’s Don Diva bites off famous images of Lil’ Kim and Pam Grier. Gee, Foxy, running out of iconic strong women to rip off? [Jezebel]

- Maroon 5 manwhore Adam Levine goes bare-chested for Halloween. For some, it’s “Slutoween”; for Adam Levine, it’s just another day the office. [Dlisted]

- I’ll take Britney butt over Britney beaver any day. [CityRag]

- Tyra Banks steps out in hazardously tight tights. The better to kiss her fat ass with. [CONCRETELOOP]

The VH1 Blog Interview – Jesse

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Jesse may have lost the battle of the bulge on America’s Most Smartest Model, but he didn’t let that get him down. After the jump, Jesse dishes the dirt on Mary Alice’s criticism, plus-size male models, his sexuality and which two male cast members moved in together after the show wrapped. After the jump: how you doooooin‘?

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