People of Rwanda!
Let this blog post be a warning to you (er, pending that you have internet access and all). A dangerous, possibly disease-filled monster, Paris Hilton, is coming to your country to “bring more attention to what people can do to help” you. But she will not do this by putting an end to the war and poverty your country has experienced!
Whatever tables you have she will dance on them! She will strip off the clothes you give her! She will have relations with your sexiest young men and then talk a lot of crap about your women – all while filming it so that she may leak it on the internet later. This monster does not care that only “41 percent of the population has easy access to safe drinking water,” she will guzzle it all down and then laugh in your face! Lock up your food when she asks for In-n-Out Burger or Taco Bell. These are code words for “I’m going to eat all the food you have, bitches!”
If you see size 11 footprints in the ground, she has arrived. Run in the opposite direction. She moves in luxury vehicles and can be fast – often sending tiny dogs to track you down. Most importantly, do not call anything “hot.” This is her signal that you want to be BFF, and she will never leave.
The biggest difference between pop stars and us? When pop stars create alter egos, it’s “artistic” and they end up selling records. When we do? It’s “crazy” and we end up eating out of garbage cans. Go figure. The latest pop star in the long, illustrious line to credit her alter ego on her new album? That younger, stringy-haired Simpson lass Ashlee. “You will know when Vicky is in the room,” says Simpson of her wilder side, Vicky Valentine. Ashlee’s been hard at work on her latest, due out in November, which features songs like “Murder” (sample lyric: “I’ve got a monkey on my back, get it off/…I get away with murder”) and “Ragdoll,” in which Simpson tells the story of an abusive lover. “Rulebreaker,” hovewever, is all Vicky Valentine. “”She’s tough. You don’t want to mess with her.”
So who else has a dark side? Check out our list of Rock’s Alter Egos.
Jack Bauer may torture people and stuff, and sure he gets hooked on heroin to solve national crimes. But does he get sloshed and then drive around? Doubtful – not even if the survival of mankind depended on it! He’s just not that kind of guy. But guess what – Kiefer Sutherland is! He was arrested Tuesday morning for failing a sobriety test, and may be in some serious trouble as he’s already on probation for another DUI – bringing his total DUI count up to four. Hopefully Kiefer will channel his inner-Bauer to get out of this mess (kinda like he does in the above video clip). He may not be above the law, but the character he plays on TV is. It’s pretty much the same thing! [Mollygood]
J. Lo Weeps at Bronx School Visit
The singer got all teary-eyed visiting her old elementary school. Sounds like someone’s feeling a bit hormonal…we wonder why? [Us Weekly]
Paris Goes Champagne Crazy in NYC
The starlet and her new boyfriend found themselves with thirteen free bottles of champagne sent over by fans at two NYC clubs. Guess Paris is even more fun to stare at when she’s hammered. [NY Post]
Pam’s Bad Behavior Worries Pals
The MILF is partying super hard with new boyfriend (and Paris’ sex tape partner) Rick Solomon by her side. We hope her kids are watching and learning! [NY Post]
The Hills’ Heidi Admits Implants
It only took her six months to reveal what we already knew – her boobs are as fake as her engagement to Spencer. [Us Weekly]
X-Tina Shows Off Big Baby Bump
Christina’s not even trying to hide her growing belly anymore, which only makes it less fun to talk about. [X17]
…who wore them best?
Can’t get enough of that student who was tasered at a John Kerry speech last week? The incident – and his infamous cry of “Don’t Tase Me Bro!” – lives on forever on the web, inspiring a ton of “Don’t Tase Me Bro!” musical numbers for your listening pleasure. Why there’s:
- The Remix!
- The MC Hammer version!
- An old man singing on a guitar!
- The Queen version!
- A creepy strobe light old timey piano version!
- And our favorite – the Britney Spears “Gimme More” inspired jam shown above!
Police weapons have never sounded this good before!
- Whitney Houston is photographed looking absolutely ravishing. Take that, crack cocaine! [A Socialite's Life]
- A wise woman once said: “Ladies pinch, whores wear rouge.” Sarah Jessica Parker obviously did not take note. [The Blemish]
- Courtney Love denies Sharon Osbourne‘s claim that she gave Jack Osbourne drugs: “I would never give drugs to a teenager.” Duh! Courtney’s supply is for tweens only! [Dlisted]
- Dita Von Teese teams with PETA to promote “animal birth control.” But not abstinence because really, with legs like that, she’d just be a hypocrite. [Popbytes]
- will.i.am says: “When I wrote ‘My Humps,’ I said, ‘This is the stupidest thing ever,’ but in a good way.” Well, he’s half right. [Crunk + Disorderly]
Don’t get so comfortable staring at Dr. Dre‘s freshly ripped physique — there may soon come a time that we barely see him at all. The 42-year-old hip-hop superproducer and sometime rapper has announced that Detox will be his final solo album, chalking that up to the fact that rapping is “a young man’s game.” He has no plans of dropping out of hip-hop all together, though — he just plans on remaining behind the boards as a producer (next up is Eminem‘s album). Says Dre:
“When I think of the future, I think a lot of Quincy Jones and how he is an inspiration. Look at the quality of his work over so many years. He didn’t even make his best record, Thriller, until he was 50. That gives me something to look forward to. Nothing pulls you back into the studio more than the belief that your best record is still ahead.”
Of course, by “your best record is still ahead,” he could very well be referring to Detox, which has been pushed back again to 2008 (that means it’s eight years in the making). Dre says he only has two or three more tracks to finish, but don’t hold your breath: he could be putting it off because saying goodbye is so damn hard. [Los Angeles Times / Image: Getty]
While you’re here, check out some shots over Dre and friends over the years.
Don’t care whether Meg White’s sex tape is real or not. Only care about which White Stripes song titles can be construed in an erotique manner. Which of her own tunes would Lady Meg listen to if she was doing the wild thing with her gentleman d’jour? Let’s start from way back and work up to the present day, and when you’re done, let us know which Detroit ditty you think has the nastiest title.
2. “Slicker Drips”
3. “Sugar Never Tasted So Good”
4. “Jimmy the Exploder”