Suri Cruise: Spoiled Scientolobaby

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suri.jpgBecause we must allow Suri Cruise to do whatever she wants, we are forced to allow her to write this post. Our apologies in advance – she tends to be a bit racy and we can’t control her.

Wazzzup bizzzaches! It’s your girl Sur-diggity in the motherf*ckin’ blogosphere! I’m here to tell you how to raise your kids the Scientology way so they can grow up just like me: rich, spoiled, and totally addicted to wearing cardigan sweaters.

First up: Eff breast milk! Get them kids hooked on good ol’ sugary cornsyrup as soon as they’re out. That’s what my parents feed me – corn syrup, barley and milk. It’s like baby crack!
Next: Let me do what ever I want, fools! My mom and my dad are never allowed to tell me no and it’s working! I get to do whatever I want – why do you think I’ve been allowed to rock this bowl cut for so long?
Lastly: If you aren’t down with L Ron then you aren’t down with me. Both my nannies (that’s right – I got two, a-holes!) are Scientologists and my dad won’t let anyone else near me. So stay the eff away! You smell like normal people, and that scares me.

Holmes?! Where’s my bottle of corn syrup and barley, b*tch?!

pEaCe OuT!!!
*~*~sUrI~*~*

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Mischa Barton Gets t.A.T.u.’d

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What do t.A.T.u. have in common with Ray Charles, Johnny Cash and Bob Dylan? Until very recently, nothing. But since Mischa Barton signed on to star in the upcoming film Finding t.A.T.u., the Sapphic Russian twosome is the subject of a new film. Based on a true story, the former O.C. starlet plays Lana Starkova, a Russian slaughterhouse worker [Ed: WTF?], who meets lonely American Janie Sawyer on a t.A.T.u. fansite and together enter the seedy Russian underworld of drugs and violence. Hear that kids? t.A.T.u. is a gateway drug. Check out the glorified music video above — you’ll have to suspend disbelief long enough to buy the idea that t.A.T.u. actually warrant a film, as well Barton’s accent.

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Celebreality Stars: Where They Are Now

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If you’re wondering what Flavor of Love alumna Buckwild, Deelishis, Bootz and Buckeey are doing, the answer can be summed up thusly: y’know…hanging around…and stuff. Along with Heat and 12 Pack (“The Party Boys”) of I Love New York, Becky Buckwild can be seen every week in the uncensored VSPOT video recaps of I Love New York 2. On both Flavor of Love 2 and Charm School, Buckwild could be counted on for hilarious interviews of the show’s happenings (her bit about Toasteee’s “little…vagina” was really a gift to the world), and so riffing on the happenings of her “nemesis” New York finds her in her element. Check it:

Meanwhile, Shay, Larissa and Deelishis recently were snapped by Sandra Rose at Ne-Yo‘s Midnight Breakfast and Cocktails party. At one point, Deelishis and Ne-Yo were extremely cozy…

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Check out the shots of the girls below. There are even more to be seen in Sandra Rose’s Gallery.

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Lindsay Masters Man-Stealing in Rehab

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lilo1017.jpgNo man? No problem! Not for Lindsay Lohan, who nabbed not one – but two taken guys while in rehab! You may recall the tale of the married man Linds supposedly shacked up with at Cirque Lodge, a romance which has since led to his wife divorcing him. Once that old guy was given the boot, Lindsay satiated her sexual appetite with Riley Giles, a 25-year old fellow patient and snowboarder. The actress has announced him as her boyfriend and has been seen toting him around like a Balenciaga bag. Alas, Riley was supposedly ENGAGED to someone else when he entered rehab, and blew off his fiancee, Bree Tierney, off by not returning her calls. Dissed and dismissed!

So the next time you find yourself single and in a pinch, take a couple hints on how to pick men from the home wrecking expert, Ms. Maneating Lohan:

1. The more taken the guy is, the better! Make sure he at least has given a lady a ring making their relationship official.
2. Kids? Kool! This means he’s probably thinks he doesn’t get laid enough and will gladly do whatever he can to unzip your J Brand jeans.
3. Always beat one addiction with another. Sexing up another gal’s guy will only make your attempt to kick the nose candy easier – and more enjoyable.
4. When people start accusing you of taking their men, just talk to the tabloids! They’ll straighten everything out for you AND pay you money (which you once could’ve used to buy blow. Sigh.)

Fellow Man Stealers – share your tips here! What’s the best way to dabble with another lady’s dude and get away with it? [Getty]

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Wednesday: Ellen Barks While Her Fans Bite

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ellen1017.jpgEllen’s Pup Problems Escalate
She may have wept openly on her show yesterday, but Ellen’s flack has apparently been playing a little dirty with the dog agency in question, whose president is now receiving death threats. [NYP]

Hills Stars Spencer & Heidi Get Hacked
Hackers allegedly broke into the couple’s respective blogs and posted confessions, claiming that they leaked the sex tape rumors about co-star LC. We smell two idiots orchestrating a super-smart publicity stunt! [People]

Pics: Pam Anderson’s White Wedding
Hurray! It’s the first pic from Pam’s Vegas wedding and – big surprise – she looks like she does all the time. Tiny skirt, big hair and massive boobs say matrimony to us! [Ok!]

Brit Bashes her Custody Judge
The worst mom in LA was overheard ragging on the judge in her court case. That’s the way to get those babies back, girl! [Us]

Lindsay Drops By Favorite LA Haunts
She’s backkkkkk. Linds did a little shopping yesterday on Robertson Blvd. surrounded by a posse of paparazzi. And here we thought she had kicked her addiction to attention. [DListed]

The Hills: Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag Love a Good Sex Tape Scandal

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You did it. No, you did it! No, Brody did it! No, Spencer did it – I am sure of it! Let me ask – if Jen Bunney is soooooo interested in who spread the sex tape rumor about Lauren and Jason, could she have possibly been the one to start it all? Eh. Who cares – it’s wayyyy more fun to just blame Spencer.

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Blog Best-Of: Cheezy’s Confession

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cheezy_links.jpg- Cheezy talks about last night’s episode of I Love New York: “My apologies for causing drama.” Apologies? For causing drama? This is reality TV! Clearly he’s out of his element. [I Love To Watch]

- Clay Aiken is set to join the Broadway cast of Spam-a-Lot. Surely, it will be very strange for him, as a straight man, to work in the gay-populated world of New York theater. [Dlisted]

- Tara Reid proclaims herself better than other celebutards as a new round of drunk photos of her emerge. I’d call her a hypocrite, but that word’s probably too big for her to understand. [CityRag]

- Angelina Jolie cuts her hair for a role. Bad move, Angie. Now where are you going to store all your kids? [Seriously? OMG! WTF?]

- Bobby Brown hits the stage just days after his heart-attack-not-heart-attack. You just can’t stop a moving trainwreck, you know? [Crunk + Disorderly]

Ellen DeGeneres Adds Heartbreak to Our Afternoon

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Comedian Ellen DeGeneres broke down into tears this morning on her talk show as she was explaining the story of a dog that she and her partner, Portia de Rossi, had adopted: After training the puppy to live with the couple’s cats, it seems that they found Iggy too high-energy to be compatible with their old pets. They decided to give the dog to her hairdresser, whose two daughters became attached to it. Unfortunately, according to the adoption agreement Ellen had signed, donating the animal was a violation, and so Iggy was repossessed, which made some little girls very unhappy. In this clip Ellen pleas for the dog to be returned to the girls. This isn’t exactly above-the-fold news, but she’s so clearly distraught that she lends this little clip high-impact sentiment. But by the same token, do you think owners should be allowed to exchange pets without anyone providing oversight? After the jump, check pictures of celebrities and their dogs in happier moments. Note: Michael Vick not included.

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Regina Spektor: Red Lipstick & On-Stage Burps

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Our Tour Survival Guide checks in with rockers about life on the road. Here’s Regina Spektor on honey, belching and her Russian-Jewish immune system.

Code Name: Lady Danger
I always have my favorite red lipstick on before I go onstage — It’s MAC and the color is Lady Danger. It’s awesome because it’s super bright red. It’s very spy-ish. No matter how I feel before every show I put it on and then I’m [ready] –- it’s my “OK now I’m going to play my show” moment. It really changes everything.

An Army of Squeezy Bears
I could eat a bowl of honey. I drink hot water with honey, tea with honey, eat a teaspoon of honey. It really helps the throat, and it’s delicious. I try not to get the really crappy honey, I try to get organic. But I like all kinds -– the squeezy bears are really fun because they’re so cute. When I come back from tour, because I have so many honey bears from the rider, I have an entire army of them on my refrigerator, with different levels of honey in each one.

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