Dear Lindsay Lohan,
I heard today that you may leave rehab this weekend. I was immediately scared, as it means you will surely be getting into all sorts of trouble very soon and I’ll have no choice but to write about it and get my carpal tunnel syndrome all messed up again. Ouch. There’s some important stuff you need to know about, as a lot has changed since you stole that car high on coke and ended up back in ‘hab. Hopefully this will help make your transition back to Hollywood – and back onto the mighty gossip blogs – fun n’ easy!
1. Vanessa Hudgens is the new you.
This chick is hotter, younger, and has real live naked pics for us to drool over! And she’s actually been in a popular movie this year. She has replaced you and therefore you must fight with her when you fall off the wagon at Hyde/Winston’s/Les Deux.
2. Having a baby is not a trend just because Nicole Richie is doing it.
I’d steer clear of doing this until you’ve been with your latest boy toy for at least three weeks – maybe a month.
3. Paris Hilton is now dating a uber-hot pizza delivery boy from Sweden.
You’ll be expected to get with a janitor from the lost city of Atlantis. Cheeseball married guys who wear bandanas and claim to be in bands do not count.
4. George Clooney has a new girlfriend.
Now would be the right time for you to try to steal him away.
5. Stop making that effing peace sign.
Lindsay: Actress. Addict. Homewrecker?
Lindsay Lohan’s Police Mugshot
Lindsay Lohan Arrested: Booze & Coke
In this Doritos commercial, that is. To promote their brand-new Collisions line, Doritos caught our beloved Missy Elliot and a studio collaborator, working on a problematic track. After munching away for a few seconds on what seems to be psychedelic chips, our Hip Hop Honors honoree realizes the direction she needs to go in.
Missy Elliot Artist Info
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How could you not? The woman who introduced the world to the phrase, “Don’t threaten me with a good time,” has moved from one rock star to another: VH1′s own Tiff makes a cameo in R. Kelly’s new video “Rock Star.” Watch it below and see if you can spot Tiff (hint: she’s in the bus sequences on the left of the screen — she’s wearing a pink corset, which, of course she is!):
After the jump are some screen shots of her cameo:
Britney’s Bizarre Car Rides
The singer used to drive on the wrong side of the road and into oncoming traffic with her kids in the car. Those parenting classes sound more and more necessary. [NY Post]
Heroes Star Freaks Out for Fans
Hayden Panettiere may only be 18-years old but she drops F bombs like an old sailor, cursing out photogs who were crushing a small fan. Our hero! [TMZ]
Paris Takes Up with a Tourist
Her new boyfriend is a Swedish tourist visiting LA for the summer. Let’s hope he takes her home to meet his folks and she never returns.
Jake & Reese Back Together?
The most boring couple on earth can’t seem to decide if they want to be together or not. We’re too busy watching paint dry to even care. [E Online]
Charlie Sheen & Ex Battle Over Kids
They each want their kids, so they each accuse the other of being crazy. Your parents look like angels next to these two lunatics. [NYDN]
A month of tears, break dancing, rejection, furry hats, more tears, a name change, a stripper with a boyfriend, a peach that needed some kissing, tears, a Speedo, a dork named Kip, a little more tears and Pradeep. Was it all worth it? We’d guess yes! In his own words, The Nerd Formerly Known as Alvaro is “so money” right now. And not just because he’s $50,000 richer, peeps. Kosmo is THE PICK UP ARTIST! And that title is worth more that dollar bills, ya’ll. Right?
Maybe you were wooed by his break-dancing moves, charmed by his tears or freaked out at his hyper tendencies. Maybe you just liked looking at his bod in a Speedo. Ladies liked him enough to kiss close and bounce to new locations, and Mystery liked him so much that he named him The Pick Up Artist. Yes, Kosmo is King!
In our first interview installment, Kosmo (aka Alvaro, if you play that way) opens up about the moment Mystery changed his life, the way some fellow contestants talked to trees, and why his acting career doesn’t necessarily make him a ladies man. Make sure to make the jump to find out why he thinks Scott is like a…
Missed Rilo Kiley at their sold-out Webster Hall shows? So did we, which only compounded our case of the Mondays. The only thing that could salvage our day? Having the adventurous indie darlings over to rock the 20th floor offices of VH1. Which is precisely what they did this morning. To promote their brand new Under the Blacklight, the Kiley stopped by to play us three tracks off their latest.
The band launched into their slinky, sex-worker single “The Moneymaker,” with the lovely Jenny Lewis nailing every note, despite her self-confessed sleepiness. “This is the first time this combination has ever happened,” the floppy-hatted Lewis dead-panned, gesturing to her coffee and her performance. Next up, the band played a bongo-laced version of “Dreamworld,” with co-singer Blake Senett on vocals, before finishing up with the impossibly tiny Lewis warmly belting out the glorious “Silver Lining” (watch the video here). Before they jetted off to their Conan appearance, the band hung around to chat and eat cupcakes. Pop stars — they’re just like us! Check out their latest record here.
Rilo Kiley Artist Info
Rilo Kiley Photos
Rilo Kiley Videos
- Victoria Beckham is rumored to be joining the Pussycat Dolls for a few performances. Going from the Spice Girls to PCD is like going from working the BunnyRanch to Hunt’s Point. Tragic. [Dlisted]
- Meg White‘s rep denies those sex-tape allegations chalking them up to “a very twisted sense of humor.” I’m more concerned about people’s eyesight than their sense of humor, but hey, that’s me. [TMZ.com]
- The filming for the Sex and the City movie is underway. If we’re lucky, they’ll hold the sex. [CityRag]
- Lil Wayne adopts a Gollum-like stance for the cover of Vibe. He’s never looked more presssshhhhhusssssss! [Crunk + Disorderly]
- Sienna Miller is upset that nude photos of her have leaked. So is my stomach. [Seriously? OMG! WTF?]