Rock on TV – The Shortlist

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macphisto.jpgJonesing for music on your television set? Well, you’ve come to the right place! Our Rock on TV schedule gives you plenty of choices. Here are today’s highlights.

Zoo TV – Live From Sydney, 8 p.m. (EST), VH1 Classic: U2 played Australia on the last leg of their Zoo TV tour — the one that began with the release of Achtung, Baby, and continued well past the time when people were wondering what, exactly, Zooropa was all about. Despite Bono putting on weight (so much so, he resembles Robin Williams here), and the relatively poor sound quality at the show, the band’s energy is high and Macphisto remains charismatic. When he calls the White House and asks to speak to George Bush, we still get an illicit thrill. Mainly because we tried the same thing this morning, and the operator hung up on us, too.

The Late Show With David Letterman, 11:35 p.m. (EST), CBS: Neo-punk saviors Against Me! play for Dave and Paul and everyone else. If you believe critics, then you’ll already know that the Florida band’s latest, New Wave, is out and that it’s good. We like how they’ve cleverly combined the rock-ier sensibilities of the Offspring with the swagger of the Dropkick Murphys. But mainly we like how they titled one of their earlier albums Reinventing Axl Rose. That’s balls, folks.

Blog Best-Of: Madonna’s Manos

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madonna_links2.jpg- Madonna‘s hands are so veiny, I think she’s part woman, part spaghetti. [CityRag]

- Mathematicians put a number on the attractiveness of Jessica Alba‘s ass. And that ass is so bountiful that the number stayed there. [Best Week Ever]

- Tom Cruise reportedly sent his children who aren’t Suri to Scientology camp for the summer. You say Scientology camp, I say Mars. [Dlisted]

- Calum Best continues his vigil for the return of Lindsay Lohan in the only manner he knows how: douchily. [Popbytes]

- Amy Winehouse lounges in the Caribbean with one leg in the air. She’s such a driven artist, this is her way of competing with the sea breeze. [Crunk & Disorderly]

[Image: Getty]

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Paris, Lindsay and Britney Bail on Teen Choice Awards

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sanjayalarry.jpgIt’s not like this attention-hungry trio of starlets to pass up a chance to bask in the limelight, regardless of the event. So you’d think at least one of them would’ve turned up at the Teen Choice Awards, which aired this past Sunday on Fox. But the girls were busy staging a silent protest against the kid-driven show, after they were all nominated for the ‘Newsmaker of the Year’ Award for their drunk driving, stints in jail/rehab and crazy head-shaving meltdowns. A source reveals that “none of them would dare to show up . . . all the publicists [for the celebutards] went crazy on Fox, and they just scrapped the category.”

How lame! They must have been afraid of the competition: Anna Nicole Smith‘s baby-daddy, Larry Birkead, and off-key sensation Sanjaya - who would have been the obvious win in the category. Ponyhawk 4-ever! Of course the two Z-Listers both still showed up to remind people that they are still alive and kicking – and with better hair than Britney. [NYP. Image: Getty]

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Angelina Continues Quest for Sainthood in Iraq

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angelina082807.jpgWhile Brad was busy taking their babies out to lunch at tourist-y New York City restaurants, Angie jetted off to Syria on a humanitarian mission visiting refugee camps with the United Nations. Can’t you just feel the angel dust circling in the air around Her Holiness? She made it to Iraq today to meet with refugees who are fleeing the war-torn country. Angie described her mission in a statement: “I have come to Syria and Iraq to help draw attention to the humanitarian crisis and to urge governments to increase their support for UNHCR and its partners. My sole purpose in both countries is to highlight the plight of those uprooted by the war in Iraq.”

She neglected to mention her other, less-disclosed purpose – to forever make Jennifer Aniston look like a big, heartless loser. Now quickly, everyone bow at Angelina’s feet! [Image: Getty]

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Amy Winehouse’s In-Laws Beg for Boycott

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amyvaca082807_2.jpgYup, that’s the latest plan presented by Amy’s hubby’s dad. He told the BBC on Tuesday that Amy’s “addiction and her behavior are not acceptable,” and suggested that fans send a message to the singer. “Perhaps it is time to stop buying records,” Giles Fielder-Civil said. “It’s a possibility, to send that message.”

Great idea, Pops. Kind of as smart as checking out of rehab, doing drugs with a call girl, getting in a big, bloody fight and then jetting to an undisclosed Bahamian island for some R&R. Cuz that’s exactly what Amy and her fellow addict/husband Blake Fielder-Civil are doing RIGHT NOW. See? They didn’t need an intervention – they needed a Bahamavention. [Image: Getty]

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Mellencamp To Make America Hurt So Good

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john_mellencamp1.jpgJohn Mellencamp is always on the move. Dude just finished up a spooktastic musical with Stephen King (wha?), and now he might be coming to your town. The roots rocker has announced a string of dates in support of this year’s Freedom’s Road, a politically-charged disc that will undoubtedly prove action-packed in concert. Check the dates, and watch a string of his vids.

Oct. 26 Terre Haute, IN Hulman Center
Oct. 27 Champaign, IL Assembly Center
Oct. 28 Louisville, KY Freedom Hall
Oct. 30 Grand Rapids, MI Van Andel Arena
Nov. 1 Ft. Wayne, IN Memorial Coliseum
Nov. 2 Toledo, OH Seagate Centre
Nov. 3 Indianapolis, IN Conseco Fieldhouse
Nov. 6 Madison, WI Alliant Energy Center
Nov. 7 Mankato, MN Alltel Center
Nov. 9 Des Moines, IA Wells Fargo
Nov. 10 Sioux City, IA Tyson Events Center
Nov. 11 Omaha, NE Qwest Center
Nov. 14 Rockford, IL Metrocentre
Nov. 15 St. Louis, MO Scottrade Center

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Yep, He Did it: Owen’s Suicide Attempt Confirmed

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owen082807.jpgJust in case there was any question about yesterday’s reports that Owen Wilson had tried to kill himself by popping some pills and slitting his left wrist, there is now official proof. The call log belonging to the Santa Monica Police Department lists Luke Wilson‘s 911 call emergency as “attempted suicide.” It was the younger Wilson brother who discovered Owen early Sunday afternoon.

As friends like Samuel L. Jackson head to the hospital to visit the troubled star, two movies that the star was working on are currently in limbo as Owen addresses his health needs. Tropical Thunder with Ben Stiller is set to start shooting in a couple of weeks, and Owen has also signed on to co-star alongside Jennifer Aniston in Marley and Me, which begins shooting in January. There is no word yet on if Wilson will still participate in these two films, but for now he’s probably right where he belongs – in “good condition” and resting at the hospital. [Variety. Image: Getty]

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Britney’s Kids Have Rotting Teeth

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britney082807.jpgGood News: Britney got new, pretty blond extensions!

Bad News: The latest outlook on the Brit-cast is dark and stormy, ya’ll. A friend of the starlet’s got in a car accident trying to flee K-Fed’s cronies who showed up at his house to serve him with a subpoena. Her former manager, Larry Rudolph, is currently hiding out somewhere to avoid the same fate. His pal Ryan Seacrest said, “He’s actually on the run, if you will…he doesn’t want to say where he is and he doesn’t want to be served because he said it won’t be good for Britney.”

Brit’s also being investigated by the Department of Children and Family Services due to “allegations of poor dental hygiene, as well as poor eating and sleeping habits for her kids.” Apparently it may even be K-Fed who filed the complaint! There are two lessons to be learned here. Don’t marry a tool-ish backup dancer at twenty-three years old. Also, brush your kids teeth.

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Miss Teen South Carolina is Still Kinda Dumb

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Check out Miss South Carolina’s appearance this morning on The Today Show. Obviously still a little nervous and mortified, she attempted to re-do her answer to the question she was asked Friday night at the Miss Teen USA Pageant, which has been viewed online more than 2 million times. The thing is, she doesn’t really answer the question, even though she’s now had 3 days to think about it! You may recall that Lauren Caitlin Upton was asked, “Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can’t locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?”

Her answer today, while coherent, basically says “My friends and I know where America is on a map, so what the hell is wrong with all these dumb people?!” Right. If only they had whipped out a nice big map of the world and tested her 17-year old ass. She’d probably be pointing at The Iraq.

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