The Office: Michael’s Monkey Problems

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Colleagues -

As was requested in our last staff meeting, viewing of The Office is mandatory for all employees. Please review my minutes of last night’s episode and be prepared for a discussion of the show in today’s lunch meeting. Yes, we’re having Italian food. Powerpoint to follow (once I figure out how to get it to work).

Regards,
The Boss

Point #1. Agritourism is the future! Dwight is now running Schrute Farms as an inn with the help of his table-making brother Mose. Forget Andy, don’t you think Angela and that outhouse-loving weirdo should get it on? He could probably make her a coat out of cat fur.

Point #2. Telemarketing is the future, too! Michael is cold-calling people to make extra money so he can afford such luxuries as a Core Flex ab machine and The Muppet Show on DVD. How many other people did not laugh at this because it kinda sorta totally rings true? My abs look awesome though.

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Friday: Paris Gets Smart About Drunk Driving

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paris1019.jpgPartying Paris Hires a Driver
The heiress arranged for transportation so she didn’t have to get behind the wheel after a night of table dancing and shots. It only took her 40 days in jail to wise up! [Us Weekly]

Heidi Montag’s Sexy Music Video
As if Heidi and Spencer couldn’t get more loathsome…The two recently shot her music video on the beach, with Heidi prancing around in a bikini. The concept appears to be T&A – her only two redeeming qualities, natch. [Just Jared]

Is Seinfeld’s Wife a Liar?
Jessica Seinfeld’s new kids cookbook is eerily similar to another recipe guide that came out earlier this year. Which leads us to ask, “What’s the deal with plagiarizing about pureed food?” [NYDN]

Britney Settles Hit & Run
One problem out of the way, 68950302840303 more to go! [TMZ]

Doggone Tired Ellen Cancels Show
After a grueling week of dog drama, Ellen takes the day off. Will her fans call in death threats to her now, too? [TMZ]

President Colbert? Meet His Competition.

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colbert.jpgFake news firebrand and occasionally funny comedian Stephen Colbert announced his candidacy for president this week. Unfortunately for America, Colbert will only be running in South Carolina. He’s planning as running both as Democrat and a Republican, which means he needs both the approval of both parties. Katon Dawson, chairman of South Carolina’s Republican Party, told The New York Times, “My advice is that he could probably have more fun buying a sports car and getting a girlfriend.”

Obviously, Mr. Dawson has never watched The Colbert Report. Perhaps he has never heard of comedy.

Anyway . . . this got us to thinking: Who else should run for president? After the jump, we review some potential candidates.

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Blog Best-Of: Britney’s Babble

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britney_links2.jpg- Britney Spears blames poor cell-phone reception for losing visitation rights to her children. Also the product of poor-cell phone reception: marrying K-Fed, shaving her head, the fall of Rome, herpes and Iggygate. Duh. [Dlisted]

- Ozzy Osbourne is something of a style icon to young stars. Tired of imitating his medicated babbling, they’ve moved on to raiding his closet. [CityRag]

- Of his relationship with Tameka Foster, Usher says: “Ours is not a typical love story.” Seriously? I thought everyone had beef with their mother-in-laws that played out first at a perfume-launch party and then in the tabloids. That hasn’t happened to you? [CONCRETELOOP]

- Rihanna seems to think that greasy = cool. Shame on her for succumbing to the common hipster pitfall. I thought she was better than that. [Jezebel]

Jenna Jameson’s Plastic Alien Pose

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jennaa.jpgHoly bones. Rubber-skinned porn entrepreneur Jenna Jameson looks like she’s just about completed her transformation from human to extra terrestrial. The mother ship surely must be landing soon to pick her up and zap her to Mars! There’s no other way to explain what the hell is going on with her body (well, we can think of a couple things but we don’t want to start rumors). From what we can tell, Jenna looks like a f*cking mess, and her should bones are practically the sizes of her massive breasts. Someone send a platter of bagels over to Club Jenna stat – if she doesn’t eat them maybe she can use them to form some sort of protective covering for her skeletal frame.

Check out more pics below of Jenna modeling (and backstage) in the Heatherette fashion show this past Monday.

Mariah, Janet, Madonna: Divas on Hold

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Much to the chagrin of lambs and drag queens across the globe, Mariah Carey reportedly has pushed back the release of her next album (initially due in November) to February. That makes her the third veteran diva in a row who just can’t hang with the holiday rush: new releases from Janet Jackson and Madonna that were planned for later this year (to cash in on the Christmas buying frenzy) have all been pushed back to an early-2008 release date. In Madonna’s case, her record most likely was held-up due to tepid Internet response of two not-at-all accidentally leaked tracks.

Writer Roger Friedman predicts the early months of 2008 to bring a “Diva Logjam.” If that’s true, who do you think will come out on top in the charts? More importantly, who out of the three of them, could win a mud-wrestling match? My bet’s on Mariah — she has the firmest breasts and their value as weapons cannot be underestimated. [FoxNews.com /Images: Getty]

Lindsay Lohan’s Romantic Rehab Romp

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The tale of Lindsay Lohan stealing another woman’s man at rehab is so juicy that it’s almost as good as one of those steamy, cheese-ball romance novels. So why not make it into one? We’ve used Breanna Tierney‘s interview with the National Enquirer as inspiration for a tale about this torrid, methed-up love triangle. Draw a hot bath, pour a tall glass of non-alcoholic wine and get ready to melt from the heat of Lindsay and Riley’s sober, forbidden love. There’s no treatment for this kind of passion!

Chapter 8: Their Love is Real, the Ring is Not

No moon was shining in the stairwell at the Cirque Lodge rehab facility, as windows were a luxury afforded only to the patients’ bedrooms. But Lindsay and Riley couldn’t touch in their bedrooms – couldn’t even have visitors in there – so this was where they painted the masterpiece of their young love. On the crusty, cigarette-butt covered stairs, their pale bodies mixed with the egg shell white paint until they became one giant canvas, together. Riley pressed his face into Lindsay’s shoulder, inhaling her scent like someone suffering from an asthma attack sucking their inhaler. Tangled in her hair, he was overcome by the sweet smell of the chicken fingers she had for dinner mixed with the pack of Marlboro Reds they had smoked together in group therapy. He grabbed her buttocks and gasped when he felt skin. “Holy eff,” he whispered into her freckled ear. “Your pants are already off?!”

“No you ass.” His red-haired lover’s voice sent chills down his acne-covered neck. “It’s my new Balenciaga small Classique bag in Mustard. I just got it and I didn’t want to put it on the floor. Doesn’t the leather feel nice?”

Overcome by a shared passion for couture goods sculpted from the hides of farm animals and crushed Percosets, they embraced. Their love had become an addiction no intervention could tear apart.

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DVD Debut: Megatron vs Optimus Prime!!!

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Transformers
Don’t search for the new DVDs every week. Come here and we’ll tell you about each title – even if it’s got a smelly side.

Transformers (Two Disc Special Edition)

Thanks to the miracle of the fast forward button, most of the nonsense on this blockbusting behemoth can be skipped over in favor of what we all paid $10 to see: Megatron and Optimus Prime kicking the living diesel out of each other. Pieced together from leftover screenwriting seminars and slumming actors (Jon Voight maybe, but John Turturro is better than this), even director Michael Bay can’t quite bring this junkyard dog to life. The two-disc special edition features Bay commentary and many, many featurettes that provide a peek into the Armageddon helmer’s creative frenzy.

Grindhouse Presents Planet Terror

If Quentin Tarantino‘s half of the Grindhouse road-show subverted the genre, buddy Robert Rodriguez plays it straight — and makes one of his best movies since Desperado. Amid much surface noise and “Aw man . . .” edits, a Texas town, led by stripper-turned-stand-up comic Rose McGowan, fights off an invasion of organ-munching undead. Rodriguez’s commentary holds no bars, and adds value to the package.

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Lance: We Thought Justin Was Gay

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Lance Bass reportedly is coming out (not like that, silly!) with allegations that he thought at least two of his fellow ‘N Sync bandmates were gay. Justin Timberlake, according to him, had professed the desire for a gay role in a film, setting off the now out-and-proud Lance’s gaydar. Chris Fitzpatrick also sent minds wandering: “We thought Chris was gay because he used to hang out with a choreographer.” Well, if he were gay, he’d be more than just hanging!

Of course he thought they were gay! Who didn’t? And who can look at pictures of the other ‘N Sync members, J.C. Chasez and Joey Fatone, without wondering (however briefly), “How you doin’?” In fact, I think the rule for boy-band members (especially those, uh, managed by Lou Pearlman), should be: gay until proven straight. The choreography and falsetto tendencies demand it. There’s no word from Lance on what made him ultimately decide that Justin and Chris weren’t gay. That’s maybe best left up to our imaginations. [contactmusic.com]

Bad Britney! No Kids for You

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The judge in Brit’s custody case has denied the starlet any and all visitation rights with her kids! Oh snap. No sleepovers, no monitored play time, no family dinners where each kid gets his own KFC bucket of Extra Crispy chicken. So why has the starlet’s visits been suspended? Because the Queen of all Idiots “did not provide the drug testing people with contact information so they could reach her to facilitate the random tests.”

Sigh. Come on Britney, get it together! If you don’t, you’re gonna have to resort to some drastic measures to see those kids. Check out the hilarious video above for some sweet ideas – Mrs. Britfire has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it? [TMZ. BWE]