Lindsay Lohan‘s rarely lucid father Michael has revealed that part of Lindsay’s rehabilitation has involved finding God. "Lindsay has found this righteous path because she’s going to church and that’s a good sign," he recently told The Insider. Is that incense or the smell of wishful thinking in the air? And really, the idea of a pious Lindsay is a hell of a lot more frightening than a hedonistic Lindsay. How will it be possible for her to reconcile her firecrotch with her faith?
It was only a matter of time until a handwriting expert took a look at this mess of words, and you’ll love what she has to say. According to Jezebel-enlisted "graphologist" Sheila Kurtz, Paris’ handwriting and childlike signature reveal that she is apparently a "shy loner" with similarities to Michael Jackson. Amazing!
Sheila says: "Her signature is cutesy-showy, which is how she wants the world to see
her. She consciously writes little hearts as dots over the i’s, a
typical childish gesture by people who wish to call attention to
themselves, to be in the spotlight."
Click here to read all the other crazy things Paris’ handwriting reveals!
Kim Kardashian, the world’s hottest nobody, chatted with the NY Daily News on Monday night at hot spot Marquee, and gushed about her locked up BFFParis Hilton. "I am praying for her and I love her to death," the sex tape star said. What else is Kim praying for? Some hot booty action, apparently. On Wednesday she and pal Britney Gastineau showed up at a jewelry line launch party, on the hunt for some man blood. "She begged people to introduce her to Pharrell Williams, but she couldn’t get through the women around him, so she settled for Fabolous," said a Page Six source.
So what if Kim can’t score right now? Just give her, like, 15 years. She’ll be the finest cougar on the block.
Here’s your first chance to catch some of the Rock of Love with Bret Michaels girls in action: below is video footage of the show’s casting. The boob-ified clip would make self-proclaimed breast-man Bret proud. Included is one girl’s tale of her brush with sex slavery. Another talks about a 10-person orgy she took part in. There’s also a PTA member who can make her boobs move independently, and a tatted-up mom who goes into detail about what she calls her "midget fetish." Wild. It’s too early to say, but Rock of Love may be embarking on a new frontier of sexual openness.
Brit "It" couple Pete Doherty and Kate Moss are back with another installment of their intermittent broadcast, playing the same song they did last time (wherein they declare "Sonny and Cher we ain’t." Indeed.), only this time dressed in military uniforms. The song’s actually pretty catchy, except for Kate laying on the expletives. In other Kate n’ Pete news, Pete "Never Met a Needle He Didn’t Like" Doherty will release his junkie diaries in the form of "Book of Albion," featuring the following prediction for the pair’s nuptials: "Smack and needle-free we shall marry in the summer and I become 10 times happier than any given smackhead. Huzzah!" The book will also include a love note from Kate: "You have touched my heart and soul you little f**ker . . . You make me high my sweet. My skin shivers and longs to be held by you." Hate to see what she puts in her kid’s lunchbox.
This is possibly the best Britney rumor we’ve heard in a longgggg time. X17 is reporting that the starlet’s visit to an attorney’s office yesterday may be her first step in obtaining a restraining order against her mother! Apparently their reconciliation is not going that well, and a still bitter Britney wants to keep Lynne Spears away from her grandchildren. All’s fair in love, war and family drama!
Meanwhile, Brit’s representative has revealed that her comeback album release date has been pushed back to 2008, which means more time for her to do ridiculous things, like wearing matching shorts with her assistant (complimented by pink snow boots, natch) while buying a pet bird. Who needs an album when we’ve got craziness to enjoy?
The locked up heiress used her one hour of freedom to chat with Ryan Seacrest yesterday, and got personal on how she’s doing, what’s gotten her through and what she plans to do when she’s released. From what she says, it sounds like we’re gonna see a Paris in rags, ditching her Balenciaga bag for a recycled canvas tote and dumping Nicole and Kim for Gandhi and Mandela. But once she tastes the freedom of shopping at Kitson and cutting the line at Hyde, she’ll probably be back to her old ways.
What Paris said: "I’ve had a lot of alone time to think and read and write. Even though
it’s been horrible and really hard, I think that God makes everything
happen for a reason and this is my time to figure out what my purpose
is in life…I just feel that my life was going really fast…And the craziness of it all, sort of living in a superficial world. Now that I’ve been here and I’ve been seeing life through different
eyes—just getting letters from all around the world—I have a lot of
compassion for things that are going on around me that are so much more
important than things I ever thought about."
Check out more excerpts from her interview here. [E Online]
Now and then our Tour Survival Guide will check in with rockers about life on the road. Here’s Fiction Plane‘s lead singer Joe Sumner, currently on tour with the Police, on buccaneering, Wendy’s and Dave Navarro.
Jack Sparrow Envy We [asked for] plastic swords and eye patches for acting like pirates. We put on our eye patches, brandished our swords and went around going "Arrrr!" I kept hold of the sword for a few days. We’ve only gotten them once — it happened in Vancouver. They’ve got no problem providing you with fifty bottles of Jack Daniels if you want it, but plastic swords, they’re like, "No! You’ll get it once. Then suffer in swordlessness."
Like Swimming, No Eating Two Hours Before Playing We had traveled from Ohio to Wisconsin. There was terrible traffic and we didn’t have time to get any food, so right at the last minute we got Wendy burgers and stuffed them into our faces. It didn’t feel good. I’ve got a two-hour rule now. I think I cramped up at one point. No eating two hours before, even if I’m hungry.
Every week we round up selections from the funniest, most obscene and brutal film criticism out there so that you know not to blow your cash at the theaters and laugh a little at Hollywood’s expense. This week: Steve Carell’s Midas touch finally turns to tin (silly, expensive, self-righteous and religious tin at that) inEvan Almighty.
"The movie suggests, quite frankly, that God’s nothing more than a son of a bitch who’s willing to drown thousands of people . . . . Rather than use Evan as a vessel to warn innocent people about impending disaster, God turns the poor guy into a Rogaine freak show with a messianic complex toward whom elephants and monkeys migrate." – The Village Voice
"All Ark, No Bite: Biblical spoof is Noah big deal." – The New York Post
"Runs out of comic invention early, and the filmmakers fall back on what . . . politicians do when they exhaust their small stash of ideas: brainless piety." – New York
Nick & Vanessa: Talk Wedding Plans? The two may have been spotted baby shopping for Nick’s niece, but sources say the pair has been heard discussing wedding plans. [Page Sizzler]
50 Cent Gets Close with Princess 50 Cent and Brit Sarah Ferguson,Prince Andrew’s ex, held hands after the rapper’s performance at a NYC concert for Sarah’s charity. We’re sure the Queen would approve – 50′s richer than she is! [TMZ]
Pics: Lindsay Boxes Out the Booze Lindsay sported boxing gloves and threw down some serious punches while sparring her trainer this week. Wonder whose face she’s pretending to hit? [X17}