Sweetheart Tila, it has come to our attention that you celebrated your birthday on Wednesday. Well, happy birthday. We are overjoyed to see that you’ve reached 26, and we can’t wait to see what you’ll do with the following year. We can only hope it will involve fewer bouncers and strippers. Go a little lighter on befriending people who are orange, what do you say? And maybe take it easy on the short-shorts. Skin needs to breathe. Or it starts to fall off.
What’s that? You’re upset because we sound like we’re miffed? That’s funny. We are miffed. We saw how you celebrated your birthday at LAX. That’s not exactly a “small, intimate gathering,” like we were told. Where was our invitation? Did it get lost in the mails? Did you send it by Pony Express from the year 1842? Or perhaps it was one of those newfangled mental invites where you just think about inviting people and they understand where the party is by telepathy?
Oh, no, we get it. We’re the Duckie here. That sucks. Thanks, Tila. Thanks a lot.
Great. First Kim Kardashian, and now you. Is it us? Do we smell bad?
What do we have to do to prove our love to you?
Enjoy some hot snaps of Tila Tequila.
Part of the fun of watching last Friday’s first installment of The Next Great American Band was seeing just how many oddball outfits were allowed to be seen on this initial “clearing the corn” episode – you know, the cattle call show where they trot out all the wacko groups that didn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of making it through the first round in the Vegas desert.
Middle-aged nimrod doo-woppers from Nowhereseville, big band jazz boys from Nerd Town, mask-wearing, Cookie Monster-growling Slipknot/GWAR imitators, ersatz Blue Man Group artistes who pummeled the trash cans they were wearing, bar-band blues boys that strutted their Stevie Ray fetishes, a Georgia foursome that came off like an emo Blue Oyster Cult, and, of course, the Afro’d Caucasion yelper of Big Provider, who launched into a ditty with the lyrics, “five, four, three, two, and one/it’s all fun from here/if you doubt that for a second/the good times will disappear!”
Yes, it’s brought you by the American Idol folks.
Those, of course, are not the “ensembles” that Johnny Rzeznik, Sheila E, and the Australian Simon Cowell guy will be judging tonight. Those are the bands that went home to tell the wives and daughters that daddy effed it up again (cue poignant farewell footage). The list of the musicians who will make their stand on the show is as follows:
The Clark Brothers (Nashville twang prodigy sibs who started when they were Smurf fans.)
Cliff Wagner and the Old No. 7 (very impressive bluegrass bar band from San Pedro who dropped “Like a Virgin” on the judges.)
Denver and the Mile High Orchestra (jump-swing-groove rubes who are quite sure they know who’s going to win the World Series – ‘cept they’re wrong.)
You’ve watched America’s Most Smartest Model and developed opinions. Now we want to hear them: Who do you think should be the next contestant to be kicked off the show?
Mandy Lynn was dismissed last episode. Did you forecast her fall?
Fallen, but not forgotten
To help start the conversation, we’ve asked some of our friends in the fashion community what they think. Today’s guest-blogger is Faran Krentcil, editor-in-chief of one of the most in-the-know, indispensable style sites on the Internet, Fashionista. She explains who she thinks should win — and why.
“If I have to pick favorites, from a fashion point of view, I’d say Aussie Rachel is the girl to beat. Besides being beautiful — really, actually pretty, without the peroxide or press-on-nails that are staples of other girls’ arsenals — she doesn’t seem that dumb. If I gave her a map and said, “Point to Thailand,” I think she’d at least get as far as India before claiming they were the same place because they both use peanut sauce. If you gave her Hemingway, I bet she could clear through a whole chapter before declaring she needed a drink (which is what Hemingway himself would have done, anyway). And Ben Stein seems to like her, which is important since 1) he can make the contestants choke on cake if he doesn’t like them, and 2) he was in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and therefore is more important than almost anyone. Also, Rachel hasn’t been a bitch — yet — but maybe the true test of her intelligence will be if she’s smart enough to stay so sweet. Nobody wants a mean model. “Just stand there and look pretty” can’t happen if someone’s trying to tear your head off, which Rachel would never, ever do. Team Aussie Rachel!”
This Sunday, what do you think is going to happen?
In one corner, weighing the same as 657 cans of Sugar Free Redbull and 17 packs of Kools, is “living legend” Britney Spears! In the other corner, decked out in a brand new, 5 carat pair of cubic zirconia stud earrings, Kevin “Socks with Flops” Federline! Ladies and gentlemen, let the greatest, trashiest custody battle/slug fest of the century begin!
Game Day Breakdown
Start Time: 3 PM. EST today – complete with live streaming video of all the courthouse action!
Location: Los Angeles Superior Court – which is on lockdown.
Surprise Plays: K-Fed and his lawyers have already asked that Britney’s deposition be taped, as she was apparently a real wise-ass during her last appearance in court.
Expected Winner: Federline is looking good – and we already have seen him making winning moves in the past (remember that nice one he pulled marrying a vulnerable, naive millionaire and then snagging all her dough?). But Britney could wow the judge with her revamped parenting skills – just yesterday she took her kids to a pumpkin patch, and she didn’t drive away without them! She also purchased a new swing set – though it could always be for her and not her babies.
Every week we round up selections from the funniest and most brutal film criticism out there so that you don’t waste your cash at the theaters and laugh a little at Hollywood’s expense. This week: Sadistic serial killer Jigsaw returns in Saw IV, a movie of such inept direction and shoddy script-writing, the critics have begun to wonder whether horror films are merely elaborate Hollywood exercises in money laundering. By the way, you’ll never guess which film this week wasn’t screened for critics.
“Boasting more posthumous recordings than Tupac, Jigsaw should have spent time devising clever new traps instead of buying Radio Shack’s entire inventory of tape recorders. Between pathetic sound effects, embarrassing lines like, ‘What you can’t do is save everyone,’ and mixed-up chronology that may break your watch, the sick pleasure that once came from the sound of screaming, morally conflicted people now sounds only like cash registers ringing up another undeserving hit.” - The Chicago Times
“The need to incorporate familiar characters and icons from the earlier films, together with flashbacks that flesh out Jigsaw’s pre-‘puppet master’ past, simply leads to an irritating series of creative dead ends. Truly, a hack-‘Saw’.” – Time Out London
Wanna know why Lindsay and Britney are all sorts of effed up? Look no further than the ladies that popped ‘em out. Dina Lohan and Lynne Spears both seem to prefer spending time focusing the spotlight on themselves than helping their kids. And this is why we LOVE them! Because really, can we ever have too many trashy ladies in our life? Even though Lindsay may be hiding out from the paparazzi for the first time in her life, Dina is busy mom-ing for the cameras for her new – what else – reality show! Dina will surely ruin her younger daughter Ali’s life by forcing her to star in it, but her reasons for the sure-to-be flop are true and genuine. “There are so many misconceptions about me and my family,” Mama Lohan said. “I’m setting the record straight.” Roughly translated, she means “Money money money money money fame money I’m jealous of Lindsay money money.”
Meanwhile the woman who soiled the world with her Spears spawn is set to write a tell-all book about her “personal story of raising high-profile children while coming from a low-profile Louisiana community.” Will Lynne detail how she enabled one of them to become a coked up divorcee and mom of two by the age of 25? We can only hope! That’s some seriously high-profile shizz! [Getty]
It was Kim “The Tush” Kardashian‘s birthday recently, which is about as close to a national holiday as we get around here. And though we didn’t actually make it (we think our invite got lost in the mail), luckily MySpace’s KushTV was there to document the festivities at Les Deux, the scene of many a Hollywood crime. Check out the revelers who came out to celebrate the Playboy model‘s 27th, and what Kim wants for her birthday.
Peep bootylicious pics from the socialite’s bash.
Movie premieres, awards shows, benefit concerts, and plain old clubbin’ – even though most of us are at home, the beautiful peeps are living it up somewhere. About Last Night puts you in touch with all the action.
Renee Zellweger, Tina Fey, Jerry Seinfeld, Chris Rock, and Matthew Broderick walked the yellow carpet at the Bee Movie premiere in NYC.
Tila Tequila (in teeny tiny overalls), Xhibit, and Panic! at the Disco attended Gavin Maloofs Exclusive Housewarming Party.
Many celebs such as Gwen Stefani, Diddy, Jay-Z, L.A. Reid, Petra Nemcova, Bono, Iman, and David Bowie got glamorous for a good cause at the Conde Nast 4th Annual Black Ball for the “Keep A Child Alive” foundation.
Kim Kardashian, Bai Ling, and Marques Houston were among those who attended the Somebody Help Me premiere.
“Are you the one that calls me ‘Mandolin?,’” said Mandy Lynn during my recent interview with her. Guilty as charged! “I was like, ‘I’m gonna kill him!’ What is that? That’s like a guitar or something.” Luckily, I lived to relate my conversation with Mandy Lynn. After the jump, the booted America’s Most Smartest Model contestant-slash-MySpace celeb talks about her resentment for Mary Alice Stephenson, which guy in the house she thought was hot and why she couldn’t possibly finish that piece of chocolate cake.