Oh No They Didn’t: Friday’s Reviews Rage

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el-cantante.jpgEvery week we round up selections from the funniest, most obscene and brutal film criticism out there so that you don’t waste your cash at the theaters and laugh a little at Hollywood’s expense. This week: El Cantante is the story of Hector Lavoe, the king of salsa, brought to the big screen by real-life married couple Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony. You’d think, seeing how they’re married, there’d be some chemistry on screen. But no, apparently chemistry costs too much.

“Four years ago, Jennifer Lopez paired up to star in a film with then-boyfriend Ben Affleck, and the result was the famously incompetent Gigli. Apparently she didn’t learn her lesson back then.” — The Newark Star Ledger

“Worse . . . Jennifer Lopez tries to make the film about her; miscast as Lavoe’s missus, Puchi, Lopez hides behind aging makeup that makes her look like Bebe Neuwirth.” — The Village Voice

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I Hate My Fridays (I Hate My 30s Recap)

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In last night’s installment of I Hate My 30s, things went to hell in a handbasket when Mandy was invited to one of her former sorority sisters’ wedding — and didn’t have a date. She’s a free-spirit, seemingly immune to the yearning felt by colleagues like Carol. (In case you didn’t see last week’s episode, Carol started to worry her eggs would dry up and fall out of her like fossilized dinosaur eggs. You had to be there.)In order to save face, Mandy asked Kyle, the office’s perpetually positive postal person (read: mail jockey), to join her. Kyle’s platonic roommate Katie, however, is an obsessive type, and quickly became jealous. Hilarity ensued. We thought it would be good to check in with Mandy and Kyle to get their take on love and life after 30. Interviews follow the jump.
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Friday: Rihanna’s Sexy Photoshoot; Paris’ New Business Venture

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rihanna080307.jpgPics: Rihanna heats up Maxim Cover
You might need an umbrella to shade yourself from the hotness of these new Rihanna pics, taken for the German issue of Maxim. [Just Jared]

Nicole: Headed to Paris’ Jailhouse
The Lynwood Jail is just like Chateau Marmont – full of celebs who have done naughty things! It’s a good thing Paris and Nicole are used to sharing everything – clothes, boys, and now jail cells. [NY Daily News]

Jessica Simpson Can’t Get a Date
Even though she has the hot blond thing down, Jessica Simpson can’t find a date and is turning to a professional matchmaker for help. Somewhere Nick and Vanessa are laughing. [Life and Style]

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Britney’s Parenting Bashed by Mags

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Wow. This week’s covers of Life & Style and Us Weekly are practically identical. Who knew Sean and Jayden were old enough to say “Mama,” much less command help? And just what are the tots so upset about? According to US, Britney shoves bottles of juice in her babies’ mouths, causing some major teeth yellowin’. Brit’s solution? A source alleges that the pop star, “asked an L.A. dentist if he would whiten her kid’s teeth!”

Life & Style’s report is no better. Apparently Brit chain smokes in front of her boys, and “when Brit misplaces her pack of cigarettes, she’ll actually turn to Sean and say, ‘Baby, where are Mama’s lollipops?’” says a source. “Sean runs, gets her cigarettes and brings them back to her.”

Give these kids to K-Fed! Hell, give them to that other dude Britney married in Vegas back in 2004. Brit’s not yet a girl, a woman, or a good mother. These two boys are gonna be the Nick and Aaron Carters of 2025, complete with tribal arm band tattoos and a reality TV show. Thanks Mommy! [Images: Us Weekly, Life & Style]

The Score Heats Up: A Swirl of Styles

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score_logo2.jpgLots of imagination is going into submissions for The Score, our contest to find a track that will become the theme music for this year’s Hip Hop Honors show. Like we figured, there are plenty of beatmeisters out there with cool ideas. Turns out that it’s all about variety.

ARS631, a dude from Queens, NY, has got the evil church organ thingee in “Shut Up.

Danny from Savannah, GA is going dreamy on “What Now.”

Rendaheatmonsta, a NoCal knob-twirler, kicks it electro stylee with “House of Rave.”

DJSAT gets his symphony on with the string-centric vibe of “Classical Beat.”

HeavyComponent (“Brooklyn all day every day”) goes for ominous street stuff on his “Gangsta and Simple.”

Have you been drilling down through the entries? What other producers have got you nodding? What other producers have dropped some odd sounds? Which submissions should we all be listening to?

Blog Best-Of: Robert’s Rap

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rkelly_links3.jpgR. Kelly‘s child-porn case finally is going to trial in September. Is that Chicago’s rainy season? [Dlisted]

- Scarlett Johansson‘s spread as the face of Louis Vuitton debuts. Kanye West is somewhere biting his fist, fuming in jealousy. [Egotastic!]

- Tyra Banks dramatically poses for cameras in Central Park and the look is less America’s Next Top Model, more America’s Next Top Scrapple. That’s to say: hammy. [Crunk+ Disorderly]

- Nicole Richie tells Diane Sawyer that she was shocked to learn that Vicodin and marijuana could impair her driving. In related news, Nicole Richie was shocked to find out that food helps you think. [Jezebel]

- Rihanna goes shopping on crutches. The things people do for attention! [CONCRETELOOP]

[Image credit: Getty]

Brit vs. Posh: LA’s Latest Girl Feud

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posh080207.jpgNow here is a fight we’d like to see – crazy ol’ weave-wearing Britney Spears vs. stonefaced stick figure Posh Beckham. Please, Hollywood gods, let it happen! Apparently Posh is making a bad rep for herself in LA, where she recently pissed off the private peeps at the Chateau Marmont by informing the paparazzi of what time she’d be arriving at the celeb-friendly hotel. Last week Britney turned up to hang at the hot spot, but left when she was told the only table available was next to the Spice Girl. Ouch! If you’re getting dissed by Britney Spears, you know something’s up. Maybe she was just worried the couture-clad Posh would call the fashion police on her. Feud on, ladies, feud on! [NY Daily News. Image: Getty]

Baby Bumpin’ Christina Cancels Tour

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xtina080207.jpgThe big-voiced mom-to-be has canceled her New Zealand “Back to Basics” Tour, after a “bad flu virus” has rendered her unable to move, much less perform. The singer apologized in a statement to her fans Down Under, saying she was “not been able to recover in time.” Xtina had already bailed on her shows the week before in Australia due to the same illness. Hopefully it’s just a virus and has nothing to do with her still unconfirmed baby, which according to Celebrity Baby Blog, is not due in December. They say that Christina is due sometime in January and does not yet know the sex of her child, contrary to earlier reports that the star is expecting a girl. Fingers crossed that it’s a lady and we can hold our breath for some sort of torrid love triangle with Sean Preston and Jayden James in twenty years. Scandalous moms make scandalous babies – we hope! [PopCrunch, CBB . Image: Getty]

Ask Doc Ali

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Scott Baio Is 45…and Single may be all about Scott Baio, but his life coach, Doc Ali, isn’t. In addition to helping Scott sort out his love woes on TV, she’s helping our readers sort out their problems online. If you need some advice on love, life and/or work, drop Doc Ali a line here. And check this spot every week to see if Doc has answered your questions.

After the jump, Doc Ali continues doling out the virtual guidance.

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Scarlett Johansson To Rock Out

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ScojoAs if she hadn’t cemented her status as every indie dude’s fantasy, Scarlett Johansson is working on her debut album with members of Yeah Yeah Yeahs and TV On The Radio’s Dave Sitek. This news comes on the heels of her reported Tom Waits cover album and her Coachella performance with the Jesus and Mary Chain. As reported by the Daily Advertiser in Lafayette, Louisiana, the Lost in Translation star spent 33 days recording at Dockside Studio. Owner Steve Nails described the album as, “a theater, big screen. Lots of heavy bass tones in it. Without a bass guitar, we used all kind of different instruments to create these sounds. It was a great experiment. Very avant garde. She sounds like Marilyn Monroe.” Which seems like a no-brainer comparison to us. We’re guessing there won’t be any Justin Timberlake duets.[Pitchforkmedia / Image credit: Getty]