Tuesday: Paris Pulls a Fast One; Britney’s Headed Back to the Stage

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paris081407.jpgIs Paris Faking Good Behavior?
Though she seems to be on her best behavior – cuddling with babies, wearing full-piece bathing suits and ignoring her pals the paparazzi – a source alleges that it’s all an act. [NY Post]

Nicole’s Got a New Hot Body
After years of looking painfully thin, Nicole’s body finally gets hot – and it’s all thanks to that baby bump. We like this kid already. [TMZ]

Lindsay Cleaning Toilets in Rehab
The starlet’s daily schedule at posh rehab joint Cirque Lodge includes cleaning duties as well as gardening, hiking and spa treatments. So when do they address the actual addiction? [Us Weekly]
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The Rock Life Recap: Episode 3

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Rainbow Jeramy

The boys hit the road, with the express purpose of geting Tony Potato laid. Which shouldn’t be a problem, given that Whitestarr has “girls galore.” Post-show, Cisco describes Mr. Potato as “a dancer, a lawyer, an overall renaissance man, but he cannot follow through on anything.” A heart-to-heart ensues after a crestfallen Tony leaves the backstage area to take a leak, and Cisco follows him into the bathroom. Apparently Tony’s trouble isn’t the fact that he’s overweight, balding and in a struggling band (what girl wouldn’t want that!?!), but that he has no follow through.

The band embark on a tour, playing 28 shows in 30 days to bring the music to the people. Cisco doesn’t seem to think of what he does as “touring and playing music” so much as pirating: “taking what we need and leaving some scurvy…new town every night, new girl every night.” This proves more difficult for Tony. In one particularly painful scene, Tony has one unsuspecting female in a half nelson, and as she cackles on his lap she says, “I don’t do dancers. I only do rock stars.” Wrong bus, sister.

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The Pick-Up Artist Recap: Episode 2

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The Pick Up Artist
In episode 2, the caterpillars begin their (long, arduous) transformations into butterflies. And maybe not butterflies, but moths – with bleached hair and piercings.

Mystery begins teaching the boys about “peacock” theory — dressing slutty to attract chicks. “We can’t wear short skirts, but we can wear tighter pants,” he advises. Yikes. At the end of the lesson, Mystery charges them with creating their own “avatar” or persona. The winner of this challenge will receive a special one-on-one learning session with an actual female. Mystery suggests the group find “accessories that convey sexuality, and go crazy with your hair.” For most of the guys, this is probably the first time someone other than their mom has cut their locks. We can hear the sound of their shells breaking already!

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The Hills Recap – Episodes 1 and 2

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Hi, we're The Hills!

Like, let’s all breathe a huge sigh of relief, because The Hills is back with a whole lot of sass, ‘tude, and of course, scandal! Ah, these girls eat scandal up like it’s the last cup of Pinkberry on earth. Delicious.

In the first episode, “You Know What You Did,” Lauren and Whitney are reunited for another year of slaving away at their grueling Teen Vogue internships, where the girls must sit around all day discussing their outfits, guys, and other people’s outfits and guys. Oh – and they occasionally steam a couture dress or two. But now Whitney, as Lauren’s boss, gets paid to do it! Adulthood is like, so amazing. LC immediately fills Whitney in on a bunch of rumors about her that recently made it onto the internet. Is she talking about the sex tape? Or maybe she means the sex tape. Wait – is it the sex tape? Oh snap, we were wrong. Lauren reveals that it was, in fact, a rumor about an “inappropriate videotape.” Yeah, that’s probably what Pam Anderson called it too.

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Biggie Smalls Casting Call

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biggie_515_banner.jpg

This crossed our desks. We thought some of you might be interested. It seems Fox Searchlight is casting for the role of Biggie Smalls in their upcoming film Notorious. Think you’ve got what it takes? Well, unless you’ve got an endless supply of Cohibas, a yacht and the voice of angel, we doubt it. But go here to apply now anyhow. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

See the full ad after the jump …

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Van Halen Tour: Go Ahead and Jump

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Van Halen Reunion Tour

Gas, brake, gas, brake, gas. After hitting some snags in the late spring, the principals of a little band known as Van Halen have finally figured out a time when they can all be together on stage. Their keenly anticipated tour has officially been announced, and the guys, David Lee Roth, Eddie Van Halen, Alex Van Halen and Eddie’s son Wolfgang Van Halen (filling in for uninvited original bassist Michael Anthony), will be bouncing around the country starting in September. “Hello, CLEVELAND!”

Check out the list of dates after the jump. But, actually, maybe you should get reacquainted with the dudes beforehand. Videos are right this way. And if you feel like taking a quiz on old Diamond Dave, have a go at it.

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Blog Best-Of: Fergie’s Foreign Relations

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fergie_links.jpgFergie wears traditional Korean garb for a press conference in Seoul. It just goes to show how hard it is to look authentic when your face is made out of plastic. [Dlisted]

- Here are two shots of Carmen Electra in bikinis. That’s four boobs, for those who are playing along at home. [CityRag]

- Should Lindsay Lohan do porn? Or, really, is the question: could Lindsay Lohan do porn? That’s a little highbrow considering the state of her career. [Best Week Ever]

- Matt Damon calls out Ben Affleck‘s bad career choices. Do I sense an aggression-settling wrestling match in their future? [A Socialite's Life]

- Whitney Houston is caught singing…and it isn’t on some random street corner in search of cash. Amazing! Welcome back, diva. [Bossip]

[Image credit: Getty]

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Amy Winehouse Admits to Drug Overdose

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Amy WinehouseIt sounds like Amy Winehouse‘s drug use has finally scared even herself. It’s about time – the rest of us were freaked out months ago. The singer recently opened up to News of the World, a UK tabloid, about her recent overdose after ingesting and smoking a massive drug cocktail:

“It was just crazy—one of the most terrifying moments of my life. I don’t know how to explain what happened. I don’t really know myself. I can’t remember what I looked like. I couldn’t recognise myself. It was terrifying—I was terrified. I was so out of control. It just happened. It shocked me. I’m sorry—I just don’t know what got into me. I never want to feel that way again. I’ve scared myself this time. I was all over the place. I know things have got to change. I have to sort myself out. I’m fine. I’ll be back at work on Monday. I’m fine, honest.”

Except that she’s not going to be back at work for a while, as she just canceled a bunch of gigs opening for the Rolling Stones in Germany. But not to worry, “fine” is the word we always use to describe people who slip into comas after going on a bender of booze, heroin, cocaine, ecstasy and ketamine, so that’s a relief! Amy Winehouse is going to be a-okay. [Image: Getty]

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Lampanelli: “I Will Say Nappy Headed Hoe”

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lampanelli_roast.jpg You may have noticed that the language in the Comedy Central Roast of Flavor Flav (which premiered last night) was colorful in more ways that one. Apparently, what went down with Don Imus earlier this year has no bearing on the future of comedy: by and large, the rosters were politically incorrect and f***in’ proud of it.

Before the event, we caught up with Lisa Lampanelli, the self-described Queen of Mean and roast staple, to see if the Imus fallout had any bearing on her routine. Her snort at the phrase “post-Imus society,” said it all, but here’s how she explained it:

I’m not employed. I’m self-employed. If the theater doesn’t like me, they don’t have to use me. But the theater always likes me, because LL adds up to dollar signs, motherf***er. Bleep that, you little bitch-ass VH1.com.

But honestly, it doesn’t matter. I watch what I say on the radio. I’m not going to curse on the radio, but I will say, ‘nappy headed hoe.’ That’s how I roll. ‘Nappy headed hoe.’ That’s it, I said it twice.

It’s nice to know she’s reliable, at least.

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