Darling Tila, we need to talk. We really need to talk. We need you to call us. We would call you, but we do not have your phone number. Also, if you call us we will feel that we have upheld the social compact, the unspoken rules about telephone-conversation-generation between a media conglomerate and one lone dating-show host. But we digress.
Tila, yesterday evening we learned the following:
- You masturbate nine times daily
- You are willing to let innocent youth debase themselves for your amusement and then vanquish them from the competition with nary a thought about their feelings and/or welfare
- You appear to be attracted to emotionally unstable and potentially dangerous human beings who prefer to wear thongs (when they wear anything at all) and are inexplicably huge fans of two-toned hair, makeup that makes them look like plague victims and the idea of falling in love
None of them are in love with you, Tila. But you look confused. We were worried this might happen. Call it shock. Call it Tequila Syndrome. But whatever you do, just call us.
Are you smart enough? Are you model enough? Most importantly, do you want to be on TV? Find out at our new casting site for America’s Most Smartest Model. That’s right: The show’s producers are looking for fresh-faced, charismatic talent who want to compete against one another. If you’ve got the total package — beauty and brains — and can successfully answer . . . uh, questions, you’ve got a shot. Sample: You’ve just been hired to be the underwear model for a green campaign. What will your underwear be made of and what color will they be? Correct answer: What underwear?
Think on your feet, people!
Upload your photos and do the online contest bit at www.smartestmodels.com.
In a strange but sweet turn of events, Britney’s album is not number one on this week’s Billboard charts! The lazy pop star has been beaten by – of all people – soft rocking geezers The Eagles. THE EAGLES! Oh man, karma is sweet and comes in the shape of a bunch of old, graying dudes. They were able to sneak in and whup Brit’s ass after Billboard revised “a policy which considers album sales even when they’re only sold exclusively by one retailer. In this case, Wal-Mart, which had exclusive rights to sell the Eagles disc in its stores and on its Web site, agreed to release its sales numbers.” The guys beat Britney hard – selling 711,000 units compared to her 290,000 – which came in way below the predicted estimate of 330,000-350,000. Maybe it’s time to get out there and start promoting, B!
Brit might want to start saving what money she’s got left, as she’s been ordered to pay her ex-hubby’s legal fees in their custody battle – all $120,000 of them. Legal papers reveal that Kevin Federline is “self-employed as a performing artist” and that “he does not earn any income.” Ha ha ha! Maybe Brit could get Don Henley to help out? He’s surely rolling in dough from all those albums he sold this week! [Image: Getty]
Chris Brown Pics
Chris Brown is not just one of the many multi-talented, teenage triple threats taking Hollywood by storm with their dancing, singing and acting skills. He’s perhaps the most talented of all — the epitome of superstar — and with an adorable smile to boot. With a hit album under his belt that’s already sold 3 million copies worldwide and his sophomore record dropping this week, Chris has got a lot to be smiling about. But if listening to his No. 1 tracks isn’t enough, fans can always catch Chris in the new movie This Christmas, which comes out in a few weeks. It’s one thing to be crazy successful, but to do it all by the time you turn 18 — that’s just straight up hot.
Chris Brown Artist Page
- Is Angelina Jolie getting busy with her bodyguard? Unless it’s to the tune of “I Have Nothing,” does it really count, anyway? [Popbytes]
- T.I. wants a judge to waive a provision of his current bond for Thanksgiving to allow more guests at his house. What good is an arsenal of guns without a house full of people to use them? [Idolator]
- The attendees of Chris Brown‘s album-release party are…less than exciting. They couldn’t get some rabid, bodice-ripping tweens so spice things up? [Crunk + Disorderly]
- Jessica Simpson is looking for a Boston man. In response, Boston men are looking for alternate cities in which she can pahk her cah. [I’m Not Obsessed]
- Britney Spears‘ mom Lynne says she blames herself for Brit’s troubles. Children don’t learn how to flash their genitalia by themselves, you know? [Dlisted]
Image credit: Getty
Bounty hunting star Dog Chapman made his first televised appearance last night following the release of audio tapes that captured him dropping the ‘n-word’ a gajillion times while trashing his son’s girlfriend ( to his son). How fatherly! He and Britney should swap parenting tips. Dog chatted with Sean Hannity, conservative blabbermouth from Fox New’s Hannity & Colmes, and had some very interesting things to say. He apologzied a lot, obvs, and admitted that he often used the slur as a greeting between himself and black friends. “…There’s a special connection that I thought I had between me and black America. And I used to say, ‘I’m black, too.’ In other words, I — my whole life I’ve been called a half-breed, a convict, king of the trailer trash, this and that. I take that and stand. So when I stood there and said, “I kind of know what you feel like, because I’ve been there, too, I felt that I could embrace and like, as brothers or, even as a black woman, say the word.”
Dog has apparently been enlightened since this ordeal began and admits, “I now learned I’m not black at all.” What took you so long, Dog? You could have just looked in the mirror.
Dog’s show is currently off the air, but in case A&E accepts the star’s apology and takes him back, we’ve thought of some new names for the embattled show. Fresh starts make everything better!
- Dog the Man Who Borrowed Britney’s Extensions
- Dog the Sperm Donor (he has 9 kids, ya’ll!)
- Dog the Guy Who Needs Botox More than Teri Hatcher
- Dog the Most Regretful Reality TV Star in America
- Dog the “I’m Gonna Kick My Son’s Ass”
- Dog the Victim of Technology – and Karma
- Dog the Unemployed Bounty Hunter
There’s nothing in this clip that’s out of the ordinary for a lame Fox News Broadcast – loud men shouting, bizarre topics, guests that barely make any sense. But this time the guests in question are two little boys who have invited rip-away, wedgie-proof underpants. So abrasive giggling and shouting about throwing underwear and asking if the boy’s underwear is around his ankles feels a wee bit creepy to us. Like the two Fox dudes are kinda maybe sorta getting off on this whole thing, or at least dreaming of the days when they were giving wedgies left and right. And by days, we mean yesterday. [via Towleroad]
Meet Diana Campanella, a 54-year-old artist based in Scottsdale, Arizona (according to her MySpace), who’s taken up a new hobby: posting videos of herself dancing to hi-NRG disco, freestyle and house music (among genres) on YouTube. She has the taste of a Jersey girl (Exposé, Shannon, Yaz and Madonna are all in her arsenal), the appearance of a hippie and the interpretive (if not absurdist) sense of motion of Kate Bush. She is, in a word, amazing. And also, she’s prolific: since joining YouTube in May, she’s posted 174 videos of herself shimmying, lip-synching and generally having a swell as she (awwwwww!) freaks out to the music.
So why isn’t hasn’t she achieved the level of fame that so many less-deserving flashes-in-the-online-pan have? Part of the problem is that she’s disabled the option to embed her videos on sites: to see her, you have to hit YouTube (here’s her profile as artemisbell and here’s a link to one of the highlights in her repertoire: her sweaty response to New Order’s “Blue Monday”). For word to get out on her, her links have to be passed around the old-fashioned way. Verdict’s still out if there’s a major place for her in our current world of in-line players. But if she’s not on our web pages, she’s at least forever embedded in our hearts.
It’s the fight of the century! In one corner of the
ring restaurant – George Clooney and his cocktail waitress gal pal. In the other corner (or, at a table right next to them) – male model Fabio, his golden locks, a vat of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, and a gaggle of women. The battle began when one of Fabio’s floozies took out her camera and started snapping pics of her pals. The Cloonster thought she was trying to get his mug on film and freaked out, asking her to stop. Fabio, the apparent king of comebacks, snapped back “Stop being a diva.” He then took out a hairbrush handcrafted out of diamonds, sprayed water from the Ganges river on his hair and gave his mane a brush.
What allegedly followed was a shoving match between Mr. Hollywood Golden Child and Mr. Hollywood Golden Hair in which George dropped “the F-bomb” before the restaurant staff broke it up. Clooney paid and left without finishing his meal. Fabio’s manager later said, “George is lucky he didn’t end up in the ER.”
And we’re lucky that guy didn’t become a joke writer for TV.
Blog Best-Of: Clooney’s Gift
Aniston’s New Man: More Than Friends
George Clooney Photos
The best-dressed baby in show biz took the stage last night with Gwen Stefani. At the final stop on her seemingly never-ending tour, Stefani trotted out her 17-month-old son Kingston to show him what she does every evening. Informing the crowd that he’s been on 35 flights (math majors, that’s slightly over two a month and more than I’ve been on in my life), she then unsuccessfully tried to get him to bid the audience “night-night.”
In other Future Spoiled Children news, J. Lo has canceled the final show of her joint tour with hubby Marc Anthony, slated for San Diego this weekend. Jenny With the Bump has yet to confirm her pregnancy.