Want to know how to win a real women’s heart? Midgetsu! Every week, we will post hilarious clips with valuable dating tips from the show. Featured this week: Midget Mac in the ring with some foxy kickboxers. Watch and discuss!
Wait – what did you say, Mr. 50 Cent? You’re NOT retiring after all? What about all the tension, the drama, and the feud that recharged hip hop and the music industry? All lies, apparently. Though he told the world that he’d “no longer perform music” if Kanye West sold more records than him on September 11th when their albums were released, Fiddy has apparently chosen money over promises made for publicity reasons. “No, I’m not retiring,” the rapper told this NY Daily News this week. “[My album] was No. 1 internationally the week it came out. It was the No. 1 European album!”
Well hats off to 50 Cent! That’s quite an accomplishment, sure, but we thought he was a man of your word. Turns out, he’s just a man made of dollar signs. Afterall, Fiddy said it best this week: “It’s all about the numbers at the end of the day.” Word.
As you’ve probably heard by now, the Writers Guild of America went on strike last night, the first time television’s wordsmiths have walked out since those halcyon pre-Seinfeld days of broadcast greatness. How does this affect you? Well, if you’re a fan of soaps, talk shows and the fake news, let’s put it this way: You’re not going to be happy. It will take a little longer for lovers of scripted sitcoms and dramas to feel the bite, but it’s coming — those shows tape farther in advance, but if this continues, they’re going to run out of material, too. (Maybe the producers will fill in, or maybe YouTube will pick up the slack, or maybe we’ll all just take breather and go, you know, outside.) The blogosphere is abuzz with all the latest developments. NYMag.com, for instance, printed a wonderful pic of Tina Fey on the picket line outside Rockefeller Center, and The Los Angeles Times ran a handy chart as to which shows would suffer and when. Here are two of the more interesting items:
Let’s all do a happy dance, as this is the greatest, most awesome, probably not true rumor of the day! Apparently Britney – who has always been rumored to have lesbian tendencies – told a pal, “I really love Kim’s butt, skin and hair. Kim is a real woman. A real horny beast.” Kim Kardashian is soooo lucky! Who wouldn’t want the world’s worst mom (with the world’s best hair extensions) lusting after them? Sadly, Kim is not alone. Britney also allegedly wants to get nekkid with Carmen Electra, George Clooney and Eminem. That’s quite a crew, huh! So who else might be on Britney’s list?
- The Snapple Lady, Wendy Kaufman (almost as voluptuous as Kim)
- Rudy Guiliani (Brit likes powerful dudes)
- Rihanna (obviously – who wouldn’t want to get near her)
- Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel (ex sex and a threesome – kinky!)
- The judge in her custody case (okay, now this is just plain gross)
As the seventh season of American Idol ramps up (producers and perspective Idols currently are filming the “Hollywood” portion of the season, which begins airing in January), news has emerged on the show’s changing face. Musical mentors will be deemphasized! (But what, pray tell, will they use for the padding that Jennifer Lopez‘s ass provided?) The A.I. tour may include a Dancing With the Stars element! (Tentative name for the tour: The Bland Leading the Bland.) And, most importantly, those in the competition who can play instruments may get the chance to on stage. Because, really, what this show needs is a multi-instrumental freak-show element of the America’s Got Talent variety. Explains A.I. majordomo Nigel Lythgoe:
“We knew Chris Daughtry, Carrie [Underwood] and Bo [Bice] could play the guitar but we really couldn’t show it. If [the contestants] can play an instrument this year we want to be able to see that, and we’ll introduce a couple of days of that during Hollywood week.“
Let’s hope they don’t stop at guitars. I want french horns, giant organs, pan-flutes and bassoons, damn it. Bassoons totally FTW, obviously. [New York Post]
In the December issue of Ebony, Michael Jackson grants his first magazine interview in 10 years and boy, is it…boring. You should start reading any superstar interview expecting a very guarded self-portrayal, but this one is virtually missing all signs of Jackson-family nonsense. Sadness! According to Mike, Ne-Yo and Chris Brown are “wonderful,” Stevie Wonder is a “prophet,” global warming is scary and presidential elections aren’t worth following. Fas. Cin. A. Ting. The only shred of dirt comes via the nickname Quincy gave Mike during the creation of Thriller, as alluded to above. Says M.J.:
“Quincy calls me a nickname, ‘Smelly’…Back then, especially back then — I say a few swear words now — but especially then, you couldn’t get me to swear. So I would say, ‘That’s a smelly song.’ That would mean, ‘It’s so great,’ that you’re engrossed in it. So he would call me ‘Smelly.’“
Now when people call Michael Jackson “Smelly,” they’re referring to the formaldehyde that’s preserving him. You know, the more things change, the more they stay the same. For the complete interview and more airbrushed-to-womanhood pictures, hit up ohnotheydidnt.
Jay-Z unveiled his gangsta opus exclusively to VH1 a few weeks ago, and because we love you so much, we scored you a sneak peek of it. On the vertiginous “Fallin’,” Jay concludes the morality tale that is his new American Gangster album. Describing different groupings of songs as the genesis, rise and demise, the trudging beat and tense back-up vocals on “Fallin’” signal our hero’s ruin. During the show, images of apartment buildings slid up the screen behind Jay, giving the illusion of, well, falling.
And just when you thought we couldn’t treat you any better — wine and dine you, take you out for romantic carriage rides — we go and do the unthinkable: score you two more tracks you can watch before Storytellers airs.
Tune in on Thursday at 9pm when H.O.V.A. fills you in on the inspiration behind eight of the tracks on American Gangster.
In most venues, the “green room” is where an artist waits to take the stage. But in The Next Great American Band, it also holds the trap door that drops the losers into oblivion. On Friday night, voters pulled the lever on The Hatch and The Light of Day. Did you hear their screams for help as they plummeted? Did you see their tears? Well, no big loss. Both outfits were mawkish and generic, and ultimately we knew they’d head home with their Strats between their legs. .
Friday’s show was about three things: band names, Elton John, and bad singing. Here’s the list.
Sixwire: The ersatz Eagles outfit adored by all three judges once called themselves The Remnants. Their version of “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me” sounded like Kenny Loggins fronting REO.
Tres Bien: a fan once asked if their moniker meant “Three Beans.” Viewers know that it actually means “Garage Band version of the Turtles,” though Dicko rightly busted ‘em for pilfering a Yardbirds vibe.
Franklin Bridge: Evidently they’ve always been named FB, explaining that it’s a crucial connector that unites Jersey with Philly. Yawn. Their spin on 24-7 Spyz has some prog to it; nice to hear the funkateers getting their Yes on. Yours is no disgrace.
The Clarke Brothers: Early on, the twang sibs wanted to call themselves both Sasafras and Shotgun Wedding, but they stuck with the tedious surname approach. Their spin through “Country Comfort” gave Johnny Rzeznik “goosebumps.”
Light of Doom: The metal Hanson have always been Light of Doom. They even played a song called “Light of Doom.” And, god love ‘em, they haven’t a clue as to what the name might represent. They also haven’t a clue as to the real name of Elton’s lyricist. “Here’s a version of a song by Elton John and Bernie Poppin‘,” said the lead longhair before tearing into “Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting.”
Mrs. Tom Cruise ran the New York City Marathon this weekend, finishing the race in 5 hours, 29 minutes and 58 seconds. Impressive! She may have come in 34,195th place, but she’s first place in Tommy’s heart, who noted that his wife’s strength was “amazing.” What’s more amazing are Katie’s strange running habits that seem to signal to us that she’s not quite human – or maybe, she’s more than human?
Exhibit #1: Katie appears to have run 26.2 miles without a bra. Ouch! The only people who are supposed to do this are men, Katie. Or, women who feel no pain. Robot women, perhaps?
Exhibit #2: Katie also ran her marathon in pants. Long black cotton pants. That chafe. In warm weather. Super human Lance Armstrong and friends wore running shorts, but non-humans can wear whatever they want, it seems!
Exhibit #3: Just hours after finishing the marathon, Katie was out on the town – in heels! – escorting her hubby to the premiere of his new film. Most people are in bed, passed out, or making out with a plate of spaghetti after running a marathon. Not Katie! She can do anything – because she’s not like most people. She’s not a person at all.
This week, MAKEOVERS!!!