Tour Survival Guide: Arctic Monkeys

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Now and then our Tour Survival Guide will check in with rockers about life on the road. Here’s Arctic Monkeys‘ Nick O’Malley and Matt Helders on Gary Coleman and the perils of Chinese food.

Judging Books by Covers Since 2006
Matt Helders: When we first started, we used to ask for a novel. We didn’t get any good ones. We never read them, but they just looked crap.

Gary Coleman’s a Fan
Nick O’Malley: [On the rider] we used to ask for a cardboard cutout of a different person. We wanted Gary Coleman. They [actually] made one in England — they just got a cardboard cutout of Yoda, and stuck [Gary Coleman]‘s face on. We asked for Steve Irwin, but he’s dead now, so it’s not funny.

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Fiddy’s Circus Life

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070523_50cent Love him or hate him, it’s hard to deny that 50 Cent is ringmaster of the rap circus right now, thanks to all of the lunacy swirling around him.

For instance, only a "complex" MC like Fiddy could release album artwork that’s as somber as this, yet simultaneously make the sophomorically sexual "Amusement Park" the album’s first video (watch). Don’t want to watch? Just envision "Cherry Pie" with beats.

His "art" aside, 50 the showman recently put the beef smackdown on a boxer-wearing Cam’ron. Curtis responded to Cam’s recent desperate poolside salvo by saying the Dipset dandy was "delusional" and "shouldn’t be in front of no camera with Daisy Dukes on."

So does 50′s posturing work? Well, a panicky MIMS recently denied saying that 50 should be jealous of him (HIMS?), and went out of his way to kiss Fiddy’s butt from overseas. "I respect (50 Cent’s) work and his ambition and also his business methods," the Zune-peddling MC told SOHH.

That Ohno Dude Can Dance!!

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We knew he could skate – Apolo Anton Ohno earned himself an Olympic gold medal, donchaknow (take that, you Blades of Glory bastards). But we didn’t know he would be a more graceful and energetic mover than a guy from ‘NSync or Norm from Cheers. Last night on Dancing With the Stars, Ohno became the top dawg, leaving Joey Fatone and all the others in the dust.

Is he the contestant you thought would win? What do you think of the victory?

Where in the World Isn’t Nicole Richie?

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The five people in the world who actually like Nicole Richie (and aren’t paying attention to her in anticipation of pain, suffering and congestive heart failure) can breathe a sigh of relief: Nicole Richie is not in rehab, says her rep. The statement was released to dismiss reports from Star and National Enquirer that suggested that Nicole is currently seeking treatment for an eating disorder and substance abuse.

Whew! Close one. So Nicole Richie isn’t in rehab. You know where else she probably isn’t?

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In a deep fryer. Clogs the pores, and that’s to say nothing of the fat content. A guided tour of more places where Nicole Richie isn’t continues after the jump…

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Lindsay’s Booze Fest

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Former rehabber and supposed recovering alcoholic (if her AA membership is any indication) Lindsay Lohan is said to have enlisted Svedka Vodka to sponsor her upcoming 21st birthday party in Las Vegas. Will it be a look-but-don’t-sip kind of affair? Considering Linds’ public battles with substance abuse, this is preposterous enough to seem like nothing but a tabloid lie. The sad part? It’s true, at least according to Lindsay’s lawyer. "This should be one of the best parties ever," he said, undoubtedly between pulls from his beer bong.

If Lindsay’s going to be as ridiculous as to have an alcohol fueled bash this year, there’s only one way she’ll be able to top it next year. Here’s a proposed invite to next year’s (nudge nudge, wink wink, snort snort) blowout:

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Wednesday: Paris Flashes Nipples and the Bible

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[Image credit: The Superficial]

Pre-Jail Paris: Bible Studies?
A bra-less Hilton picked up the Holy Bible from a Hollywood book shop. What? Did the Hilton Hotels run out of their bibles? [The Superficial]

Is Jay-Z Stealing From His Waiters?
Employees at his NYC club claim the rapper is keeping a cut of their tips and refusing to pay them overtime. Is he writing The Blueprint for how to be sued? [New York Post]

TomKat May Spawn Another Kitten
Rumor has it that Katie Holmes may be getting ready to produce another baby Scientologist. [MSNBC]

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Who Knew? Meg White Has Charisma

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Celebrating the Canadian-colored rock duo’s appearance on the cover of their music issue, Nylon posted this rather cute and definitely entertaining workday distraction featuring the White Stripes on their website. Things to know before you watch: 1. Stay with it until the end or risk confusion; 2. the White Stripes and the Raconteurs were both recording in Nashville earlier this year; 3. the White Stripes do not, as a general rule, use bass. In other exciting White Stripes news, check here for stills from the as-yet-unreleased video for the first single off their new record, "Icky Thump."

First Look: The Joker

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This photo of Aussie superstar Heath Ledger all dressed up in makeup started circulating the Internet yesterday. It makes us feel funny . . . and also terrified. Ledger’s playing The Joker in The Dark Knight, the sequel to Christopher Nolan’s wildly successful reinvention of the Batman franchise. Though the film won’t open until July 18th of next year, the viral marketing campaign has already begun. We’re beginning to suspect that Warner Bros. might be angling for a piece of 2008′s other big marketing op — the presidential election. If that campaign’s anything like this one, hell yes we’ll blog about it.

Idol: The Final Two’s “Great Vocal Voices”

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Tuesidol_2 Considering that this season of Idol was packed with headline-making scandal and controversy (Antonella Barba’s nude pics, Sanjaya’s hairdoos, Paula’s questionable sobriety, and Melinda’s premature elimination), people were expecting a doozy of a finale. But really, the show fell short of expectations. Last night’s action didn’t have that feel of an event, as it had with previous seasons. Finalists Blake Lewis and Jordin Sparks are competent performers, but they didn’t quite come across as the superstars plucked from obscurity, as the show’s premise would have us believe. And it didn’t help matters that the proposed first single of whomever wins, "This Is My Now," is utterly snoozy.

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Photo_20x9_1 See highlights from this year’s show…

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Authority vs Novelty: Who’s the Winner?

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Do you like to go to parties? Or do you like to go to concerts? The winner of American Idol will depend on which way voters answer that question. Tonight Blake Lewis took on Jordin Sparks for this year’s title, and those two sets of criteria came up several times. The dude’s somewhat silly turntable and jeep-beat noises are giddy and fun, but otherwise he’s reaching. The lady’s emotional power and athletic vocals are convincing and impressive, but she could stand to bust a dance move or two. Maybe snarling Simon said it best: he gave the performance of the night to Blake’s romp through Bon Jovi, but closed the show by declaring that Jordin "wiped the floor" with him on the cheesefest that was "This Is My Now."

What’s going to happen Wednesday night?

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See highlights from this year’s show…