Road Tales: Dio & The Naked Peter Pan

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Our ramp-up to Rock Honors (Thursday, May 24) always includes revealing chats with the music’s stars. Road Tales focuses on some the silliness that goes down when artists are on tour.

Lots of rock bands fly things over their stages these days. But back in the day, when Dio was doing business with Rainbow, it was odd to see a naked promoter sailing around on a harness left over from the theater’s previous show. Here’s one Peter Pan who passed out from trying to be a bombadier. Listen.

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Paris Is Stressing

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For today’s shot of schadenfreude, you need to look no further than at the media’s favorite whipping girl of late, Paris Hilton. According to Paris’ psychiatrist, the entitled heir is "distraught and traumatized" over her looming 45-day jail sentence. The idea of Paris Hilton in discomfort is freaking iconic (hence the image above).

Still, this distress may actually work out for Paris, allowing her to postpone testimony in a slander suit against her brought on by nemesis Zeta Graff. But even if the shrink’s tale is b.s., it’s b.s. worth believing. Now when anyone asks where Paris is, we can all laugh and say, "She had to go cry." [People]

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Lindsay: Not Hot, Just Sweaty

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Lindsay Lohan has been named the hottest woman on the planet by the apparently blind people at Maxim magazine. What are they snorting? Lindsay’s stash?

It’s not that Lindsay is a bad-looking girl — somewhere under her porn-star extensions, raccoon eyes and leathery skin that would look saaaaad on someone 20 years her senior, is a pretty girl. Maybe. But hot? She’s virtually sexless. Even her rack, once impressive in a look-but-don’t-Lolita kinda way, now fails to inspire. Lindsay Lohan completely renounced any idea of hotness the day she revealed that she’s packing cold cuts between her legs. For real: her firecrotch isn’t even hot.

Lindsay beat out Jessica Alba (No. 2) and Scarlett Johansson (No. 3) for the top spot, in something of a superficial travesty. Need more proof of Lindsay’s not-hotness? Check out the shots below the jump. The best is the one in which she’s blowing a kiss. She’s going for Marilyn Monroe and ends up Marilyn Mongross.

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So Madonna Did Buy Lap Dances for Research

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Madonnnnnna_2 As previously reported, it seems like Madonna will be making her directorial debut. Called Filth and Wisdom, the 30-minute short is of Madge’s own devising and is being shot in London now. Rumor has it that the film will be based on her own experiences, and characters will include an Indian chemist, a Jewish businessman and a failed ballet dancer-turned-stripper. Yes, we know: You’re wondering what the hell she’s thinking. We can’t tell you much, but we can tell you that in addition to the above, she’s thinking that this is going to be a comedy. Which is pretty funny in itself. Especially when you consider Madonna’s incredibly poor on-screen track record. Need a recap? Let’s see. How about . . . Body of Evidence? That one put a dent in Willem DaFoe’s career. Then there was that miracle of financing, Shanghai Surprise. And let’s not forget about Swept Away, the remake that was so bad, so universally panned, so commercially abhorred, it made Mariah Carey’s Glitter watch like Citizen Kane. Hello? Earth to Madonna: Put down the camera. Now. Before you hurt someone you love.

Tuesday: Jordan Does Sex Dance With Whitney; Diaz Dates ‘Mindfreak’ Magician, Foxy Almost Mows Down Mom & Baby

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MJ Gets Freaky With Whitney Houston
The basketball legend, who’s been single for just over 5 months, was caught busting some sexy moves with Bobby Brown‘s ex in the Bahamas. Slam dunk or air ball? [Bestweekever.tv]

Cameron Diaz Dates ‘Mindfreak’ Magician
Arm-in-arm, the two hit up Vegas for dinner and a show. This may be Criss Angel’s greatest trick yet. [People]

DiCaprio Sued Over Basketball Court
Leo built himself a basketball court but excavated his neighbor’s property in the process. Deck and poolside just might collapse. Can’t we settle this with a friendly game of PIG? [CBS]

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Kelly Clarkson Disses Label, Lohan

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Clarkson Kelly Clarkson‘s My December has hit major icebergs in its quest for release. As was previously reported, the American Idol’s third record met an icy reception from label boss Clive Davis, and now Clarkson’s spilling the beans. Initially insulted that her label wanted her to use songwriters, the final affront came in the form of a Lindsay Lohan track: "My label literally sent me a Lindsay Lohan track from her last album and wanted me to record it for my new album. And while I like Lindsay Lohan, like I’m cool with her and I think she sings the song well… it’s already been on an album." Clarkson continued, "I just don’t like working with someone that gives you a song and is like, ‘Oh, I wrote this for you.’ But you find out that they’ve given it to every other artist and they turned it down, you know?" Could Clarkson be referring to her nuclear hit "Since U Been Gone," written by Dr. Luke and Max Martin, and shopped around to other pop stars before Clarkson’s recording? According to a source, Clarkson didn’t even want to include it on the album.

Geldof Grouses, Spinal Tap Returns

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Geldorf_2 Even global pop concerts can’t please everyone on the planet, so perhaps it makes sense that Live Aid bigwig Bob Geldof is kvetching a bit over the upcoming Live Earth bash, which is basically using the famed entrepreneur’s template for mult-artist, multi-city shows around a socio-political cause. The former rock singer says he would only organize such an affair if he "could go on stage and announce concrete environmental measures from the American presidential candidates, Congress or major corporations." None of that has happened yet for Al Gore’s July 7 affair. But Live Earth has managed to reunite Spinal Tap, so all can’t be too bad in the world.

Evan Rachel Wood Hates Her Parents

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MansonIf you ever want to feel attracted to someone again, then best to avoid the very not-safe-for-work extended version of Marilyn Manson‘s video for "Heart-Shaped Glasses" here after the jump. According to Radar, a source close to the production crew said that the simulated sex between Manson and his teenage squeeze Evan Rachel Wood (including some very graphic screams on her part) wasn’t so simulated. We know: Ewww. Coming out on top is Manson’s ex-wife, burlesque goddess Dita Von Teese, who had the following, exceedingly well-adjusted statement to make to the press: "I know a lot of people are shocked by it and think I should be shocked but he has put every one of his girlfriends in his videos so it doesn’t come as any surprise to me." None of that, however, can make-up for the part of the video where the two are digging at each other’s faces with their tongues while rolling around in blood. Enjoy, people! It’s just like Carrie, without the satisfying ending.

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Of Course ScarJo Isn’t Shallow!

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Scarjomen_scarjoDespite being linked to almost every hot guy that Hollywood has to offer, Scarlett Johansson says that looks aren’t everything:

"I think it’s the full picture," she says. "I look at a guy and think he has such a cute nose or such nice eyes, but there isn’t one feature I look for in a guy. One thing that I look for that isn’t physical is a healthy confidence…If somebody is confident in a way that you would admire – being strong, funny – that can make someone that you might not initially be attracted to more attractive."

Riiiight. After the jump, we rifle through ScarJo’s past and rumored loves to see if her philosophy holds up…

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