Every week we round up selections from the funniest, most obscene and brutal film criticism out there so that you don’t waste your cash at the theaters and laugh a little at Hollywood’s expense. This week: I Know Who Killed Me isn’t going to murder Lindsay Lohan’s career (if she can’t, no one can) but it comes close. But since critics weren’t even allowed to see the movie, we’re going to discuss No Reservations, the bland Catherine Zeta-Jones romantic comedy about a New York City chef who discovers the ingredient her life is missing — love.
“Among the movie’s chief flaws is that Zeta-Jones is entirely unconvincing as a chef, an American and a human being. Whether she’s storming out of the kitchen to attack customers who send back her food, regaling her exposition-enabling but otherwise pointless therapist (Bob Balaban) with disquisitions on food preparation and elaborately prepared meals, or serving her young niece a nice dinner of roasted fish with the head still attached, she seems awkward, Welsh and robotic.” — The Los Angeles Times
“There’s already a crazy behind-the-scenes restaurant movie out this summer, and it’s got a better story, and it’s a cartoon, and it stars a rat.” — The Washington Post
I Hate My 30s is VH1′s new comedy show about office workers who are staring down the long barrel of 30 and looking at death — not to mention spinsterhood, debt and bitter, crushing loneliness. As mercurial host Dr. Rod says of the show, “It demonstrates that, while life does indeed suck balls, at least it only gets worse.”
Grim as 30 can be, it can also be funny. The first episode, which premiered last night, was all about Carol‘s birthday party. She’s a lovely, driven single girl who’s worried that her eggs are going to dry up and blow away. Her work life is being made complicated by Chad, a co-worker who has a crippling crush on her (and gives her an extremely inappropriate birthday present). We thought it would be good to check in with the two of them before the inevitable inter-office romance begins and destroys their lives. Interviews after the jump: Read more…
Whoopi and Sherri: New to The View
Though ABC will not yet confirm it, the two funny women are rumored to be both be headed to The View round table come this fall. Surely the Donald can find one of them to hate. [MSNBC]
Hilary Duff’s New Man’s a Jock
The teen star has moved on from her rocker ex Joel Madden to hockey star Mike Comrie, who is also the heir to some Canadian family fortune. Nice rebound, Hil! [TMZ]
Tom Cruise Extortion Plot Busted
A guy known as the “Sultan of Sleaze” has been arrested from trying to extort over a million dollars for TomKat in return for stolen private wedding photos. Tom doesn’t show the money to anybody. [Us Magazine]
We couldn’t let the Comedy Central Flavor Flav Roast (airs Aug. 12) go down without covering the hell out it. So we sent Celebreality blogger Rich Juzwiak to snap photos and chat up the stars and VH1 personalities at the event’s taping. Click the pics below to see them in full size and check back with us for continuing coverage.
[All Images: Rich Juzwiak]
20 Things: Flavor Flav
More Roast pics
Flavor of Love Finale Extras
Scott Baio Is 45…and Single may be all about Scott Baio, but his life coach, Doc Ali, isn’t. In addition to helping Scott sort out his love woes on TV, she’s helping our readers sort out their problems online. If you need some advice on love, life and/or work, drop Doc Ali a line here. And check this spot every week to see if Doc has answered your questions.
After the jump, Doc Ali continues doling out the virtual guidance.
- Paula Abdul‘s publicist says she wasn’t fired from the Bratz movie. Paula Abdul reveals the opposite on her show. The truth comes out via reality TV! Who ever would have thought? [The Superficial]
- New pictures reveal that Dannielynn Hope looks just like her father.They could have skipped the DNAtest,waited a few months and, like, looked at her. [Dlisted]
- Catherine Zeta-Jones says, “There is nothing better than a man cooking you dinner – especially if he has no clothes on.” But then you spend the night playing a game of Pubes or Bean Sprouts? And that’s no fun. [A Socialite's Life]
- Trina rocks what looks like Rihanna‘s asymmetrical scraps on her head. Did Trina mishear Rihanna and stand under her beauty-shop chair? [CONCRETELOOP]
- Why did Amy Winehouse cross the road? So we could blog about it and laugh and laugh and laugh. [Crunk + Disorderly]
Britain’s big-boobed model “Jordan” and her husband Peter Andre recently named their newborn baby girl Princess Tiaamii, which is a combo of Thea and Amy – their mothers’ names. With, of course, Princess in front of it. If you thought that was the worst celebs could do, think again. Stars have gone out of their way to make a name like Suri seem tame and boring. For example, actress/dj Shannyn Sossamon has a kid named Audio Science. Toni Braxton‘s two tots are Diezel Ky and Denim Cole, while My Name is Earl actor Jason Lee named his child Pilot Inspektor Riesgraf. But no one can top Jermaine Jackson, who coined one of his offspring Jermajesty. Holy awfulness. Keep in mind, it is impossible to tell which of these children are boys or girls. It’s beyond gender neutral – these names are gender baffling.
It’s a good thing there are so many celebrity babies on the horizon, to make way for newer, more horrifying names. Christina Aguilera could call her baby Lady Marmalade, while maybe Nicole Richie should think about something like Toothpick Tattoo Richie-Madden. That’s (baby) hot! [Times Online. Image: Getty]
Hot Shots: Cool Pics From Celebville
Peep Your Fave Celebs on the Red Carpet
Chronically verbose alterna-rocker Courtney Love continues to murder the English language on her MySpace blog. The former Hole singer’s lengthy screeds on her falling out with Drew Barrymore, her lackluster solo record and her love of gay men are buttressed by her claim that she was the world’s first celebrity blogger (“iwas talking to poeple on the net when AOL first started !!!!fST f*ckit i was the first celeb blogger end of story, ical;led it posting however!”) and further explanations for the clownish condition of her lips and lower face (“i OWN THIS, did a trout mouth, with a subtsnce that doesnt fade, so it takes surgery to restore my face to natural, i feel like m,y mouth is too big still so im gonna have to go back and RESTORE it to NATURAL”). If you’re interested in reading a nice precis, Idolator has you covered. If you’re interested in reading her writing in its entirety, we suggest you invest in Advil, block off a few hours and hire a translator.
Courtney Love Artist Page
Browse All Courtney Love Photos
Crack a few Duffs tonight, the movie opens tomorrow! Need a last minute ramp-up so you can look sharp around the watercooler? NP. After you’re done checking a bunch of clips from the flick, you can see who Matt Groening says inspired Marge’s hairstyle. Then you can watch a string of videos by artists and bands who have been on The Simpsons TV show, and you can see which of those shows had the coolest endings, and then you check Homer’s battle with a naked, club-wielding, 17th century fertility god, and then you can see how Marge and the girls become fashionistas.
And if you’re the ultimate Springfield nerd, dive into the big-ass marketing plan that Fox unleashed on the world. See you in the popcorn line tomorrow with these celebs.
The Simpsons Movie Page
The Simpsons Movie Clips
Can you hear that light drum roll? It’s the opening crescendo of R. Kelly’s “Trapped in the Closet,” and if it’s ringing in your ears, it’s for a reason: Kells has prepped 10 new chapters of his R&B melodrama to be released Aug. 21 on DVD. The tangled web, which often feels as if it was made up as Kelly went along, features the singer narrating as the character “Sylvester” and is the campiest contribution to American R&B since…well, Sylvester. The future installments will feature R. Kelly assuming a new role in addition to that of Sylvester: he’ll play a beard-wearing, potbellied old man named Randolph. There’s no word on further plot developments: whether Gwendolyn is going to beat Cathy’s wig-wearing ass or if Chuck, Rufus and Cathy can settle their bisexual love triangle (that “chapter” he performed at the 2005 VMAs never did surface) or if we’ll have to endure 10 more rounds of the same damn melody and instrumentation. Mostly, we’re like Idolator: we just want to know what happened to the midget.
Of course, the true cliffhanger hinges on whether, after two years, people will still care about this complicated nonsense. For now all we can do is shake our heads dissapprovingly, much like Sylvester did as he watched Chuck, Rufus and Cathy duke it out in the then-final chapter. [Billboard]
R. Kelly Artist Page
Box Set: R. Kelly
R. Kelly’s Best Tracks