Oh No They Didn’t: Friday’s Reviews Rage

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theinvasion.jpgEvery week we round up selections from the funniest, most obscene and brutal film criticism out there so that you don’t waste your cash at the theaters and laugh a little at Hollywood’s expense. This week: The Invasion inspires questions about Nicole Kidman’s humanity. Prepare to be body-snatched!

“Pod awful: In the fourth and by far the worst screen version of The Invasion of the Body Snatchers, Nicole Kidman’s character struggles to stay awake — as will the audience.” — The New York Post

“Nicole Kidman’s inability to understand the question ‘How can we miss you if you won’t go away?’ turns out to be the least of the problems of this noisome, fragmented mess of a movie.’” — Premiere

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I Hate My Fridays (I Hate My 30s Recap)

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I Hate My 30s

Our friends on I Hate My 30s are beginning to crack. In what was probably the truest demonstration of people acting their emotional ages yet, Vicki tried to recapture the rock ‘n’ roll fantasies of her youth. You guessed it: Failure. Meanwhile, Bruce — our favorite character on the show, the guy who’s always working out because if he doesn’t he’ll “be fat by five o’clock” — has a body-issue meltdown. And, as it turns out, it’s all related to those pesky Wilson brothers. You know, like the stars of The Royal Tenenbaums. It’s always fun to check in with the 30s characters to see how they’re holding up. This week, Vicki even sang us a song. Check it out after the jump. Read more…

Britney’s Nutty, Naked Photoshoot

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britallure.jpgPut Britney Spears on the set of a photoshoot and she is guaranteed to go nuts. At her latest cover shoot for Allure, Britney avoided the interview four – yes – FOUR times, delaying the chat once to get her nails done (she said she was at the studio), and another time to spend thousands on a shopping spree. The mag’s editor revealed that at the photoshoot, she “was entirely un-self-concious. She took off her wig and then stripped down to the waist, for no apparent reason, before sitting for hair and makeup.”

Wow, if anyone else had done that it would be hot, but Britney was probably covered in Cheeto crumbs. Allure also enlisted a psychotherapist who thinks Brit might have mental issues. “Her behavior suggests bipolar disorder,” the expert tells the mag. “The manic episodes with impulsivity and loss of control – the flashing, the head shaving, the hitting the photographer’s car with the umbrella – are what we see.” Stop trying to encourage Britney to get sane, lady! We like her just the way she is. [Us Weekly]

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Friday: Nicole Bosses Her Man Around; Amy Winehouse Gets Healthy

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nicole0817071.jpgBrit and Criss Angel Plot VMA Spot
The singer’s VMA performance is reportedly confirmed, and she’s brought Criss Angel in to help plan her gig. He can get on stage and distract the crowd with card tricks while Brit bombs. [X17]

Nicole’s Got Joel Whipped
Joel had to turn down a photo with a lady fan after Nicole gave him strict instructions to avoid any situation that may get rumors started. Let’s star a rumor about Nicole being controlling instead! [NY Post]

Reece and Ryan’s Secret Dates
The estranged couple have apparently been going on dates to try to rekindle their romance. Nothing like a little divorce to spice things up! [E Online]

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Hip-Hop’s 20 Highest Money-Makers

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jay-z.jpgForbes released their list of hip-hop’s 20 biggest money-makers, and, not surprisingly, that list is filled with names you know. What you might not know is how these men — these well-dressed, media-savvy, fully diversified men — made their money. The key, it seems, is to have many different business interests. Like music. And clothing. And lining your bed with thousand-dollar bills.

Take No. 1, for instance: Jay-Z. Not only is he a performer and president of Def Jam records, he also owns the 40/40 Club franchise, has a stake in the New Jersey Nets, and earns cash from endorsement deals with Budweiser, Hewlett Packard and General Motors. That’s to say nothing of his girlfriend, Beyonce, who’s not doing too shabby herself. Jay-Z alone banked $34 million last year. That’s pretty amazing.

What’s not-so-amazing is Forbes‘ use of the word “hip-hopreneurs,” which has to be the ugliest phrase we’ve heard since “vlog.” (Is there nothing decenct about modern diction? Sigh.) To read the full description of hip-hop’s richest, click here. To see the rest of the list, take a peek after the jump.

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Cameron Diaz and John Mayer Get It On

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johncam081607.jpgNew love alert! The rocker and actress were spotted out for a romantic dinner in New York City doing all the right things to signal that they might be a pair – cozying, cuddling and canoodling. It’s always so exciting when a new Hollywood couple blossoms, especially when it’s two people so obviously on the rebound. Cam has yet to move on from dating Mr. SexyBack, and poor John is trying to get past the mistake that was doing it with Jessica Simpson. And really, who else is left for these two to date? I guess they could both go after Britney Spears, seeing as she apparently swings both ways. But it seems like all the ass in Hollywood has already been tapped, so Cam and John better make it work! [NY Post. Images: Getty]

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Rock of Love: Your Weekly Forecast (Episode 6)

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Think you know what Bret Michaels wants and needs? Let us know which girls the Poison frontman will cut from the house next and which girls he’ll ask to stay. (Click the pics to see them in full size.)

Still on fire:

Cut last week:

Fallen, but not forgotten.

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Ask Doc Ali

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Scott Baio Is 45…and Single may be all about Scott Baio, but his life coach, Doc Ali, isn’t. In addition to helping Scott sort out his love woes on TV, she’s helping our readers sort out their problems online. If you need some advice on love, life and/or work, drop Doc Ali a line here. And check this spot every week to see if Doc has answered your questions.

After the jump, Doc Ali continues doling out the virtual guidance.

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Criss Angel Works His Magic on Britney

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crissangel081607.jpg

Last night Britney Spears was spotted out on the town with cheeseball magician Criss Angel. The pair ended up partying at some hotel and then spent the night together in Angel’s room. The worst part is that Brit’s bodyguard was spotted running out to a 7-11 to buy condoms. Ugh. Criss couldn’t just pull them out of a hat or something? This is the fourth hot Hollywood starlet Criss Angel has been linked to (see above for reference), and while his “illusions” aren’t mind-blowing, his macking skills sure are. Maybe while he’s at it he can work some magic on the current state of Britney’s career, too. [X17, Us Weekly. Images: Getty]

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Gwen Stefani’s Preggy Talk

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If Gwen Stefani has her way, she’ll become a baby-making machine. The MILF elaborates in the September issue of InStyle:

Obviously I’m in a race to have another [baby], but I don’t want to do it while on tour. But I can’t wait to get pregnant again. It’s so fun and consuming and romantic.

A “race?” “Fun?” “Consuming?” “Romantic?!?” Who says those things except for the exceptionally hormonal? Is Gwen packing child? Do her plump lips count as baby bumps? [People]

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