Brit Flexes Her Wit

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Britney_x17rantOver the weekend, Britney Spears delivered what might be the performance of her career: a rant into a paparazzo’s video camera that’s heavy on the Valley Girl accent and even heavier on the sarcasm. Or, uh, something. Watch the video here, but don’t expect to understand it: as Brit says with facetiousness heavier than a five-pound bag of Cheetos, "America believe everything you read. Because, like, you’re smart and I’m stupid." Yo, America, Britney Spears just called you stupid. That’s like a manatee dissing your curves. How does that make you feel?

And since you’re so stupid, we thought we’d help you out with a line-by-line translation of Brit’s speech after the jump. For real: come on, y’all.

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HPC Returns With New Gags

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Home Purchasing Club, the place where "smiles, products and you intersect each and every day," returns to sell more hilarious wares of questionable taste. First up in season two of the weekly online show: A series of collector plates commemorating life’s precious moments — from "Billy’s First Grunt" (i.e., toilet poopy) to "Daddy’s First Hooker" to "procreating" dogs.

Last season, HPC products included "The Fanny Cleaner" (watch for a demonstration on how to use the product) and made-to-order, grass-fed human livers that "have never had to process red meat or alcohol." If the clip below is any indication, expect this season to be even more raucous than the first.

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Kelly Gets Her Siouxsie On

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Guess Kelly Clarkson’s iPod has more on it than just Avril Lavigne and Martina McBride. "Never Again," a fierce new eff-off track from her forthcoming disc, contains the faintest wisps of — yikes! — Siouxsie and the Banshees. With chiming 80s guitar, pummelling tom-tom thuds, and goth opera vocals that rub her ex’s face in the mude ("I hope the ring you gave her turns her finger green/I hope when you’re in bed with her you think of me"), Clarkson brings her vicious side to the table. Does this mean that Ashlee Simpson‘s next joint will tilt toward PJ Harvey?

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Oz Pulls Wonka With Ticket Giveaway

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In addition to "Lovable TV Dad" and "Prince of F*cking Darkness," Ozzy Osbourne can add "Willy Wonka-Style Concert Promoter" to his job description. While promoting his annual Ozzfest — the metal event of the summer featuring Hatebreed, Lamb of God and Eurovision titans Lordi — Oz announced tickets for the fest are free. As if that itself didn’t merit throwing the devil horns, select copies of his first album of orginal material in six years, Black Rain, will contain a secret code that gives lucky fans the opportunity at priority tickets four days before the public gets their hands on them.

Will you buy Ozzy’s latest for a shot at good seats?

Monday: Leto’s Sex Work; Jam-Master Jay’s Killer Found?

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Leto44Penthouse Pet Rates Leto’s Sex Work
Krista Ayne slept with Jared, but only gives him a 7 out of 10 for his performance. [New York Post]

Jam-Master Jay’s Killer Found? Career Criminal Confesses
Police are close to charging a suspect in the famed hip-hop murder of the Run-DMC hero. [All Hip Hop]

Busy Birkhead: Dannielynn’s Dad Is a Party Animal
Mr. DNA likes to party with a gaggle of gorgeous women.

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I Love New York Reunion: Your Reactions

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Here’s your chance to weigh in on what went down during the I Love New York reunion. Were you as shocked as New York when Tango called off the engagement? What did you think of his reason? Does this prove that New York should have chosen Chance? Will New York ever find love?

And, maybe most importantly, what did you think of Sister Patterson’s new hairdo?

Best of Blogville: Ashlee’s Atrocity

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Ashlee_links- Ashlee Simpson should get more plastic surgery…on her hair. [Dlisted]

- Britney Spears has gone from cow to cowgirl. Or, at least, that’s what the hat suggests. [A Socialite's Life]

- Lindsay Lohan travels to Japan. Any chance she might stay there? [Just Jared]

- NEWSFLASH: Paris Hilton wears panties. [The Superficial]

- All that said, why in the world would celebrities hate gossip blogs? [CityRag]

Rapping Squirrel: WTF Wordsworth?

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Rap In an effort to seduce visitors, Cumbria Tourism has released a rap video. Officials who work for the bucolic English countryside decided it would be a good idea to give the area’s image a 2007 overhaul. With that in mind, they made this clip, which features a man dressed in a squirrel suit, rapping “Daffodils,” also known as “I Wandered Lonely As a Cloud.” “Daffodils,” as you might remember from your high school English classes, is a poem by William Wordsworth, the Romantic poet who died in 1850. Wordsworth lived in Cumbria, which helps explain this video. A little. But can anyone explain the squirrel?