The tale of Lindsay Lohan stealing another woman’s man at rehab is so juicy that it’s almost as good as one of those steamy, cheese-ball romance novels. So why not make it into one? We’ve used Breanna Tierney‘s interview with the National Enquirer as inspiration for a tale about this torrid, methed-up love triangle. Draw a hot bath, pour a tall glass of non-alcoholic wine and get ready to melt from the heat of Lindsay and Riley’s sober, forbidden love. There’s no treatment for this kind of passion!
Chapter 8: Their Love is Real, the Ring is Not
No moon was shining in the stairwell at the Cirque Lodge rehab facility, as windows were a luxury afforded only to the patients’ bedrooms. But Lindsay and Riley couldn’t touch in their bedrooms – couldn’t even have visitors in there – so this was where they painted the masterpiece of their young love. On the crusty, cigarette-butt covered stairs, their pale bodies mixed with the egg shell white paint until they became one giant canvas, together. Riley pressed his face into Lindsay’s shoulder, inhaling her scent like someone suffering from an asthma attack sucking their inhaler. Tangled in her hair, he was overcome by the sweet smell of the chicken fingers she had for dinner mixed with the pack of Marlboro Reds they had smoked together in group therapy. He grabbed her buttocks and gasped when he felt skin. “Holy eff,” he whispered into her freckled ear. “Your pants are already off?!”
“No you ass.” His red-haired lover’s voice sent chills down his acne-covered neck. “It’s my new Balenciaga small Classique bag in Mustard. I just got it and I didn’t want to put it on the floor. Doesn’t the leather feel nice?”
Overcome by a shared passion for couture goods sculpted from the hides of farm animals and crushed Percosets, they embraced. Their love had become an addiction no intervention could tear apart.
Don’t search for the new DVDs every week. Come here and we’ll tell you about each title – even if it’s got a smelly side.
Transformers (Two Disc Special Edition)
Thanks to the miracle of the fast forward button, most of the nonsense on this blockbusting behemoth can be skipped over in favor of what we all paid $10 to see: Megatron and Optimus Prime kicking the living diesel out of each other. Pieced together from leftover screenwriting seminars and slumming actors (Jon Voight maybe, but John Turturro is better than this), even director Michael Bay can’t quite bring this junkyard dog to life. The two-disc special edition features Bay commentary and many, many featurettes that provide a peek into the Armageddon helmer’s creative frenzy.
Grindhouse Presents Planet Terror
If Quentin Tarantino‘s half of the Grindhouse road-show subverted the genre, buddy Robert Rodriguez plays it straight — and makes one of his best movies since Desperado. Amid much surface noise and “Aw man . . .” edits, a Texas town, led by stripper-turned-stand-up comic Rose McGowan, fights off an invasion of organ-munching undead. Rodriguez’s commentary holds no bars, and adds value to the package.
Lance Bass reportedly is coming out (not like that, silly!) with allegations that he thought at least two of his fellow ‘N Sync bandmates were gay. Justin Timberlake, according to him, had professed the desire for a gay role in a film, setting off the now out-and-proud Lance’s gaydar. Chris Fitzpatrick also sent minds wandering: “We thought Chris was gay because he used to hang out with a choreographer.” Well, if he were gay, he’d be more than just hanging!
Of course he thought they were gay! Who didn’t? And who can look at pictures of the other ‘N Sync members, J.C. Chasez and Joey Fatone, without wondering (however briefly), “How you doin’?” In fact, I think the rule for boy-band members (especially those, uh, managed by Lou Pearlman), should be: gay until proven straight. The choreography and falsetto tendencies demand it. There’s no word from Lance on what made him ultimately decide that Justin and Chris weren’t gay. That’s maybe best left up to our imaginations. [contactmusic.com]
The judge in Brit’s custody case has denied the starlet any and all visitation rights with her kids! Oh snap. No sleepovers, no monitored play time, no family dinners where each kid gets his own KFC bucket of Extra Crispy chicken. So why has the starlet’s visits been suspended? Because the Queen of all Idiots “did not provide the drug testing people with contact information so they could reach her to facilitate the random tests.”
Sigh. Come on Britney, get it together! If you don’t, you’re gonna have to resort to some drastic measures to see those kids. Check out the hilarious video above for some sweet ideas – Mrs. Britfire has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it? [TMZ. BWE]
Movie premieres, awards shows, benefit concerts, and plain old clubbin’ – even though most of us are at home, the beautiful peeps are living it up somewhere. About Last Night puts you in touch with all the action.
Ashley Olsen, Kristen Bell, Rachel Bilson, Hayden Panettierre, and Minka Kelly were among those at the Saks Fifth Avenue cocktail party welcoming Christian Louboutin to the West Coast.
Kate Winslet, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Kristin Davis, Julianne Moore, and Ne-Yo attended the Boss Black Spring/Summer 2008 Collection Show in NYC.
Naomi Watts, Colin Firth, Elle Macpherson, David Cronenberg, and Martin Freeman (of the British Office) attended BFI 51st London Film Festival’s Presentation of Eastern Promises.
Previously, we posted an interview with New York all covering her thoughts on the new season of her show. Now, we bring you a more behind-the-scenes look at New York: what goes on in her head and what goes on when the cameras aren’t rolling. Below, New York talks about her encounter with a TMZ photographer, the New York Post‘s allegations that she’s racist, her interaction with Mo’Nique on the set of Charm School (“She turned herself into a freak, seriously”) and how she feels about Flavor of Love 3, since it will be going on without her. Get ready for a verbal smackdown after the jump…
We heart Kid Nation, so it’s only natural that this video mash up featuring train wreck Michael Jackson circa 2003 is playing our heart strings like a banjo this morning. We like to imagine how Michael might have ended up wreaking havoc on Bonanza City:
“Okay kids, you won the reward challenge, now here are your two rewards that the Town Council must choose between. Under the first fake old time-y crate, a roasted pig party, complete with grits, hush puppies and Kool Aid! And inside this gilded replica of a 1840′s submarine, musical sensation turned creepy plastic surgery addict, Michael Jackson! So Town Council, what do you pick as your reward?”
Are there any other Kid Nation fans who screamed at the TV last night in joy when Anjay beat that prissy b*tch Olivia in town elections? We’re still celebrating – you can probably smell the root beer on our breath this morning. As for Taylor – she’ll do a lot better being a brat on the bench, don’t you think? Now she really doesn’t have to follow any rules which means her inner Paris Hilton can finally shine. Also, what ever happened to that kid with the purple mohawk? We haven’t seen him since he pushed a wagon in the first episode – is it possible that he’s secretly the same kid as ejected Council member Mike? [via JustJared]
Viva Bonanza City!
Video: Is Ellen Ending Her Dog Drama?
The talk show star has asked her fans to stop the death threats against the shelter owner who took her dog, but her fingers were probably crossed behind her back as she said it. [DListed]
Angelina Rocks New Look on Set
Saint Angie has shipped the fam to LA so she can rock this new dowdy 1940s look in her new flick. She looks more great-grandma than mom, but we’re sure Brad finds it sexy! [X17]
Lilo & Her Man’s Matching Mug Shots
It’s what little girls always dream about when they think of their future boyfriend – his sexy mugshot pic! Do you think they traded pics and wrote love notes on the back of them? [TMZ]
Oprah’s Serious Health Scare
Say it ain’t sOprah! Our favorite woman in the world fell ill with a thyroid problem this summer – but it was nothing a month-long Hawaiian vaca couldn’t cure! [E Online]
Britney’s Secret Court Hearing
There’s no word on why Brit and K-Fed’s lawyers got together with the judge in their custody case yesterday, but we guess it was to gossip about Brit’s latest fashion disaster. [Us Weekly]
Before we get down, here’s the money shot:
It’s all about Irv and it’s all about cash.
- Iggy update: the agency that unceremoniously seized Ellen DeGeneres‘ adopted dog has reportedly placed him in a new home. All that wrath for nothing! [Dlisted]
- The massive zipper on Jessica Alba‘s dress screams “easy access!” Now, if she’d only get one for her mouth… [CityRag]
- Kanye West makes a cameo in Common‘s new video. Except Kanye prefers the term “temper-tantrum generator” over “video.” [CONCRETELOOP]
- Pam Anderson‘s wedding dress philosophy seems to be as follows: if it doesn’t show coochie, it’s classy. [Seriously? OMG! WTF?]
- Kimora Lee Simmons goes pumpkin picking with her daughters. Looks like someone’s in the market for a new head! [Crunk + Disorderly]