The Lohans are Loser Parents

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lindsaydina080907.jpgLindsay Lohan‘s former bodyguard, Tony Almeida, who worked for the starlet from 2002-2005, has come forward to rat out her parents for being totally crappy at their job. This is hardly news, as even tiny babies know that Michael’s a loon and Dina’s one of those enabling, “I wanna be BFFs with my kids,” kind of ladies. But Tony gives us even more disastrous deets about the Lohans, like the time Michael got so violent while driving on the highway he pulled their car over and slammed Lindsay against the hood, screaming at her and calling her a slut. Nice.

Dina didn’t help the situation, apparently letting her daughter booze at parties and have sleepovers with her then-boyfriend Aaron Carter at fifteen. Letting her daughter go near that scrawny thing was her first mistake right there! Tony also claims he once found Lindsay snorting “powder” in a closet, and says she cut herself repeatedly and threatened suicide, desperate for attention. Sounds like she’s gonna need a lot more help than a third stint in rehab. Just do a Drew Barrymore and get rid of ‘em all Linds! Even if your ex-security guy is lying, your fam did let you make that stripper-murder movie, and that alone is grounds for dismissal. [NY Post. Image: Getty]

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Fiddy Wishes Scherzinger’s Name Was Hot Like His

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50 Cent is just like us, at least in one respect: he can’t pronounce the name of Pussycat DollsNicole Scherzinger, either. Even though they got together for a track for Fiddy’s upcoming Curtis disc, the rapper couldn’t get down with her name. He recently told Blender:

They should’ve changed her name. Her name is Schizinger or some s***, right? That’s a f***ed up name…I’d give her like a stripper name. Maybe ‘Pleasure’ or some s***. ‘Nicole Natalie.’

Fiddy has the right idea: down with Schizinger! If old Schizzy isn’t feeling “Pleasure” or “Nicole Natalie,” here are a few other suggestions she should seriously consider. They’re all better than “Scherzigner,” but then again, the sound of a vacuum cleaner is better than “Scherzinger.” Anyway, our list:

- The One Who Sings
- The One Who Stands in Front
- Frontsie
- H.B.I.P.C.D.
- Boobycat
- Buttycat
- Vagineycat
- Eunice
- Tease-a-Louise
- Treasure
- Eva Non-Goria
- Fueled by Iovine

[Blender Blog / Image credit: Getty]

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Terrence Howard, Narcissist

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Of all the quotes floating around in the soup of crazy talk Terrence Howard ladles out in his recent Elle interview, this one is my favorite:

I like women who look like me. Generally, you’re attracted to women who look like you, because the most beautiful thing in nature is your own reflection.

The best part about this isn’t that he’s implying that he’s so hot, but that it makes his perfect match so obvious.

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Why the hell isn’t he with Eva Pigford? They’re practically twin-like in their resemblance. Terrence gave no word on his feelings about incest to Elle, but hey, there’s always next time. [Image credit: Getty]

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K-Fed Makes His Move for the Kids

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kfed080907.jpgEven though their divorce was just settled and custody split 50-50 between Britney and Kevin, the former backup dancer filed papers yesterday for primary custody of the couple’s two sons. A source revealed that Federline has been worried that Brit’s wacky behavior exposes the babies to “unnecessary risk.” Okay, technically a topless pool makeout sesh doesn’t directly harm their kids, but we see K-Fed’s point. Britney’s kinda lost it, and she’s got the weave to prove it. Spears has not released a statement regarding her ex’s move, but she’d probably say something like, “Huh? Wah? I’m freaking out! No, not because of Kevin trying to get all custodian, but because I can’t find my Marlboro Lights. Seriously though ya’ll , I’m a good mom and a brainiac – that’s gotta count for something!” [People. Image: Getty]

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Thursday: J. Lo Sues Ex and Wins; Jessica Simpson’s Got an Attitude Problem

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jenniferlopez080907.jpgPics: Brit Looks Hot in Perfume Ad?
Check out these pics of Britney taken this summer for her new perfume ad, and then marvel at the magic of Photoshop. [Access Hollywood]

J. Lo Wins Big Against Ex-Hubby
A judge has ruled in the diva’s favor, and now her first husband (remember him?) must pay her $545,000 to write his planned tell-all book on their time together. [People]

Brangelina’s Tot Has Army Bash
After all their peace-loving humanitarian work, Brad and Angie throw son Maddox an enormous military themed birthday bash. Kinda weird, but you can’t say no to your kids! [Just Jared]
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Rock of Love: Your Weekly Forecast (Episode 5)

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Think you know what Bret Michaels wants and needs? Let us know which girls the Poison frontman will cut from the house next and which girls he’ll ask to stay. (Click the pics to see them in full size.)

Still on fire:

Fallen, but not forgotten:

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Ask Doc Ali

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Scott Baio Is 45…and Single may be all about Scott Baio, but his life coach, Doc Ali, isn’t. In addition to helping Scott sort out his love woes on TV, she’s helping our readers sort out their problems online. If you need some advice on love, life and/or work, drop Doc Ali a line here. And check this spot every week to see if Doc has answered your questions.

After the jump, Doc Ali continues doling out the virtual guidance.

Read more…

Blog Best-Of: Akon’s Apology

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akon_links.jpgAkon finally releases the video for “Sorry, Blame It On Me.” We would, Akon, if we could remember what the hell we’re blaming you for. [Sandra Rose]

- Jay-Z is named one of the best-dressed men by Esquire. So that whole “Change Clothes” thing no longer applies? [CONCRETELOOP]

- This up-skirt shot of Katharine McPhee is the most entertaining thing to come out of her career, ever. Seriously, she should give up singing and just walk onstage bottom-less and, like, stand there. [IDontLikeYouInThatWay.com]

- Are Brad and Angelina trying to hold their relationship together for the sake of their children? Or is it just that they haven’t yet reached their goal of building a soccer team yet? [Popbytes]

- Kimora Lee releases a Barbie-esque doll in her likeness. She’s finally gotten around to giving little girls an impossible image to live up to, because, clearly, she hasn’t terrorized pop culture enough. [Rhymes With Snitch]

[Image credit: Getty]

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