Every week we round up selections from the funniest, most obscene and brutal film criticism out there so that you know not to blow your cash at the theaters and laugh a little at Hollywood’s expense. This week: The unnecessarily boring, please-help-these-actors-afford-a-summer-home, CGI-stylings of Fantastic Four: The Rise of the Silver Surfer.
"The Drab Four: When the bad guy’s a surfer dude, you know it’s a wipeout." – The New York Post
"A plotless, witless, brainless bore . . . [it] kills your spirit and all hope for summer movies." – Rolling Stone
"Drearier than corn dying in the Iowa sun, slower than molasses in Antarctica. Sentient humans should stay away; all others may enter confident that their IQs are already in the Chernobyl-fried range and will not be affected, except for downward." – The Washington Post
Dude’s got a collection of almost 700 fitted caps. He wears each of ‘em to the side, and that deliberate angle tells you something about his swagger. Tango’s got a reason to walk tall. After winning his lady’s heart on VH1′s I Love New York, the aspiring rapper has got a little fire burning under him. The buzz has started. We caught up with him to talk music. It’s not shocking that a young MC is knocked out Nas, but when he started throwing guyliner bands and The Fray at us, we knew Tango was unique. Find out what other artists made his list.
Separated at birth: Angelina Jolie at Wednesday’s New York premiere of A Mighty Heart and an egg wearing wax lips and yarn with a toothpick body wearing a man’s sock.
This may seem mean since it’s directed at Saint Angelina, but mean is what happens when you reportedly shut-out the press at your film premiere. Suck on that, Waxy!
- Megan Fox shows off her tattoos, including one of poetry that she wrote herself. Isn’t that a little too literate for Hollywood? [CityRag]
- Jessica Alba is said to have had a hand in getting Paris Hilton dropped from her agency. An invisible hand. [Dlisted]
- Pam Anderson says that she thinks "40 is the new 20." Whatever you have to tell yourself to get through life, Pammy. [Hollywood Rag]
- Britney Spears wears two all-white outfits in one day. Who’s she kidding? She’s not that innocent. [Just Jared]
Check out these pictures of Beyoncé workin’ her dance moves while on vacation in Southern France with her main man Jay-Z. You can’t see if she’s wearing her rumored engagement ring,
but they still look totally into each other.
If you ignore her strange, unflattering, high-waisted bikini pants suit and the fact that they’re on a yacht the size of a cruise ship, they could really be any ol’ adorably playful couple. Crazy in love and crazy rich (while wearing crazy outfits) – that’s gotta be a great life.
Just yesterday we reported that the original American Idol had fired her longtime manager as a result of her alleged fall-out with label head Clive Davis over her upcoming album My December. This afternoon, word has come via Kelly’s website that her upcoming summer tour has been canceled!
Kelly wrote on her site that, "The fact is that touring is just too much too soon," but a statement released by her representatives gives the darker details: "Plans for Kelly Clarkson’s summer tour have been shelved for now as the
singer and her team re-evaluate her show’s size and scope." Ticket sales for her shows were also lower than expected.
Eek. What is happening to our once solid, stable pop star? Could her album really be that bad? If she starts reaching for the clippers or crashing her car into trees we’ll know she’s in real trouble.
Rock’s about to get a dose of reality…TV. This summer Poison’s Bret Michaels will get his Flav on as the ladies pictured above vie for his attention in the Celebreality elimination-based dating show Rock of Love with Bret Michaels. "We knew women vying to date a rock star would make great entertainment but Bret brought outrageousness and excitement to the show that exceeded our wildest expectations,” said show executive producers Mark Cronin and Cris Abrego. “From motorbike wrecks to Vegas rock concerts, it’s a show where you can’t miss a single moment.”
Get the Jäger shots ready — Rock of Love with Bret Michaels premieres July 15 at 9/8 c on VH1.
Track By Track: Poison
People Magazine‘s Hottest Bachelors issue is out, featuring the sweet , hunky faces of Blake Lewis, Jake Gyllenhaal and Ludacris. But they might want to revise their list to add 50 Cent, who just got $100 million richer.
The hip-hop star is packing away a ton of cash from his deal with Glaceau, the makers of Vitamin Water. Fifty signed on to have a drink named after him (Formula 50) in exchange for equity in the company as a shareholder. Glaceau was just bought by Coca Cola in a massive $4.1 billion deal, and now the rapper is set to rake it in, adding to his already enormous pile of millions.
It’s really cute that single Blake Lewis can beat-
box and all, but wouldn’t you rather have a man with millions upon millions of dollars – and a ton of crazy tattoos?
The rumors about knocked up Nicole show no sign of slowing down. What started as a story about Richie visiting a fertility clinic (a popular celeb pastime, apparently), has built speed, and these recent photos of Nicole do nothing to dispel the whispers.
Now, maybe she’s just decided that being the boniest start in Hollywood isn’t her thing anymore, and she wants to get her weight up to a plumper 90 pounds or so. But you never know, perhaps she’s got some baby action brewing and now she HAS to eat -for two! She’ll actually have to finish her salads, and not just eat half.
Either way, it’s nice to see some meat on that collar bone.
All Jessica Alba Hottie Pics
Anyone remember her working that stripper-cowgirl outfit in Sin City? Yup, Jessica Alba’s got it going on.
This week she’s opening in round two of the Fantastic Four series, and that latex suit she sports as Sue Storm ain’t too bad either. Basically J.A. looks ultra seductive most all the time.
That’s why we chose to celebrate her for the next seven days. Get a taste of her hotness by clicking on the thumbs below and make sure to consume our entire HOTW: Jessica Alba photo gallery.