We can’t get enough of Kim Kardashian and Britney Spears (we have a soft spot for fake hair and fake butts), so needless to say we’ve been marveling at the dumb things they’ve both said recently that will surely come back to bite them in the ass (not that Kim needs the help). For starters, Kardashian claimed in July that her Playboy spread would “not be a nude pictorial.” She also promised that “it would be tasteful like Mariah Carey,” which is an obvious oxymoron, right? Turns out the pics rank as super classy on the Mimi scale, as they are fabulously trashy and totally nude! Oh Kim, why bother lying? We can still see all your lady-bits even through the pearl necklaces you’ve hung all over yourself. Tasteful indeed.
Meanwhile, Ryan Seacrest woke up Britney Spears at 9AM this morning to do an interview in which she proceeded to make zero sense answering questions about her kids: “my lawyers know all that;” and celebrating her new record: “we watched movies…and we had fried chicken.” Britney, who was particularly out of it (it was early, we guess) hops off the phone in the middle of the interview to go take a shower. Obviously. She does whatever she wants, even when it makes no sense. Luckily, her hanger-on pal Sam told Ryan the interview was the only thing they were doing to promote the album. It’s a good thing she’s freed up her schedule to do nothing! It’s kinda what she does best. [Images: Getty]
Before she dismissed him, New York called 20 Pack many things: freeloading, a purse-holder, a girlfriend. But her harsh words didn’t get him down, as our interview attests. And in fact, he has some choice words of his own (New York has “ranch breath” and Tailor Made is “smegma,” for just two examples). Below, 20 Pack talks about his no-kiss policy, those pesky gay rumors and what he does to maintain those killer abs.
Tila, last night you took us on a journey. A journey to a fantasmagoric place, or, more literally, to the Hollywood hills, where you and your brethren mounted tableaux of “Heaven” and “Hell” to titillate your house guests and home-viewing audience. Here’s what it looked like:
Unfortunately, darling, it didn’t work. Those of us watching at home had trouble remaining conscious. And if you were hoping to capitalize off of Halloween, we would like to remind you that on your show, everyday is already Halloween. The whole concept fell flat, like a lead souffle, and left us cold on the couch, an unsmoked cigarette in one hand and glass of Burgundy dampening our crotch. Really, Tila, the only ones who could find last night’s episode sexy are people who suffer from horrible hormone imbalances and teenage boys.
If you weren’t so mesmerizing, so Nefertiti-like in your physical charms, we might have even canceled our cable.
And yes, in answer to your next question, we are still hurt that you didn’t invite us to your birthday party. But darling, you’ve almost redeemed yourself. Yes, tossing Ashley out almost renewed our confidence in your cognitive prowess. But kissing Ashli? Showing Domenico sympathy? Permitting Vanessa to stay?
You work in mysterious ways, Tila.
The cheesy songs. The creepy dad. The Proactiv commercials. The reality TV show. The shoe line, hair extension line, and bathing suit line. The slew of stupid movies. Nick Lachey. And…everything else. It makes us wonder – what is there to like about Jessica Simpson and why would Owen Wilson even want a piece?
The two have been spotted doing the usual Hollywood date and canoodle routine, and frankly we’re worried about the toll this is going to take on Owen’s fragile mental state. Perhaps one could claim that she’s just a fine piece of ass, but even her manufactured good looks are so fake it makes us seriously depressed. Listening to her tell stupid stories about that dumb dog she’s always lugging around or recounting her shopping trips to Louis Vuitton is enough to make someone want to…you know. Lip locking with Simpson is way more than just a kiss – it’s Owen self destructing! Jessica is worse for him than heroin, and – as we saw from her needy relationship with John Mayer – really hard to kick. [Image: Getty]
You make one little comment about the dude that shamed your girlfriend in front of millions, and it’s all anyone wants to talk about. At least that’s what Jermaine Dupri is experiencing above, and unleashes a curiously video-taped (and expletive laden) tirade [NSFW]. A few weeks ago, The New York Post reported that the Little Producer That Could dissed Justin Timberlake in his biography, stating JT could be “any skinny white kid from the suburbs of Orlando,” and questioning Timberlake’s star power. Now Dupri’s being called upon to answer for the remarks, and he’s none too pleased. In the clip, Dupri rails against whoever’s on the other end of the line (we’re guessing it’s directory assistance or the automated weather service), stating the whole incident is “the dumbest f*ck” and “I don’t need no f*cking press off Justin Timberlake.” Do you think Dupri is overreacting?
Robert Goulet passed away last night. The ultra suave singer/actor dominated the early 60s, wowing the world with a string of musicals. Here’s a nice bit that shows his skills. But a younger generation learned about the guy – may he rest in peace – through Will Ferrell‘s ridiculous impression on Saturday Night Live. Here’s a look that clip, too. (Language is NSFW)
Congratulations babies! You win! The judge loves you and your daddy more, and now you only have to be scared of Mommy for two days a week, from 12-7PM. Only fourteen hours of driving around in her Mercedes inhaling secondhand cigarette smoke and burger fumes. There is hope after all! Now, there is one bad side to this recent custody decision. You two will have to do one overnight each week with with your Mom. I know, I know, there are no beds for you to sleep in at her house – only giant Versace hobo purses. Awww, don’t cry Sean Preston, it’ll be okay! A parenting coach is going to be monitoring your visits while you guys are there, so you have someone to look out for you. And this lady is totally on your side! She’s already told the judge that your mom “rarely engaged with the children in either conversation or play,” and that her “choices are dependent more upon what she wants to do at any given time rather than what would be more enjoyable for the children.”
The law is on your side, Sean Preston and Jayden James! Now buckle up your car seat safety belts – you know your Mom’s gonna forget to do it again. [Getty]
Movie premieres, awards shows, benefit concerts, and plain old clubbin’ – even though most of us are at home, the beautiful peeps are living it up somewhere. About Last Night puts you in touch with all the action.
Audrina Partridge hosted the Hpnotiq Halloween Party, where she boogied on down in her Madonna costume alongside Christina Milian and Justin Guiarini.
Jessica Biel, Thandie Newton, and Hanson attended a screening of Darfur Now.
Angelina Jolie, Meg Ryan, and Maria Shriver were among the philanthropic ladies at the International Women’s Media Foundation’s Courage Awards.
Mary Alice Stephenson, co-host of America’s Most Smartest Model, is a fashion industry insider whose smart looks and smart tongue control her show’s pretty people. Each week we talk with her about issues on the show. This time the subjects are Jesse’s attitude, Rachel’s weight, and how you can never be too rich or too thin for style — unless, of course, you are.
Morgan Jordan’s ill-fated video for “Werewolf Bar Mitzvah” has had us chuckling since it aired on 30 Rock a few weeks ago. Then it was a 10-second snip. Now it’s a full-ass song, with lyrics about about brisket and circumcision and and fangs and claws. Would a real werewolf ever dance with his cousins?
Tell us: Who’s the most hirsute Jew in celebville?