More Tools for Trashy Parenting

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Today’s news of Britney’s Dorito-filled, ice cream-soothing, Coke-through-nipple parenting tickled the trash fiend in me. But really, why should she stop there? Is Britney trash or is she traaaaaaaaaaaash? If she wants to keep her reputation, she’ll listen to our advice and implement the following tools and products guaranteed to raise a toddler good. Who knows? Maybe they’ll come out like her!

For example, when the kids want to be fed but are too lazy to chew solid food, I suggest:

Because nothin’ says lovin’ like Velveeta.

Many more after the jump…

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Hottie of the Week: Isla Fisher

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Photo_20x9_1 All Isla Pics

Isla Fisher is the pregnant bride-to-be of British comedian Sacha Baron Cohen, but let us be the first to say that he’s getting away with something. The red-headed beauty is the female lead in Hot Rod (which has our nomination, besides Knocked Up, as being the summer’s other funniest movie), which is all the more remarkable because of her upbringing. Fisher is the daughter of Scottish parents, but she was born in Oman, raised in Australia and currently lives in England. And despite how Hot Rod‘s funnymen might make her look, there’s not a white-trash bone in her body. That’s just one of the reasons why she’s our Hottie of the Week.

Are You There God? It’s Me, Xtina

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XtinaIf a group of ultra-religious, fornicatin’ hatin’ Baptists are to be believed, God hates Christina Aguilera. Following a recent spate of cancelled concert appearances due to a reported throat infection, Baptists for Brownbackhave explainedthat “thanks to the majesty and power of God, the blaring megaphone of [Christina Aguilera]‘s sexual terrorism has been muffled.” Turns out that in between getting thanked by our nation’s hip-hop artists, God found the time to listen to Aguilera’s back catalog (sample lyric: “Put your icing in [her] cake” from 2006′s “Naughty, Nasty Boy”) and decided to smite the Monroe doppelganger.
So wait a second. You mean to tell me God hates Christina, but he gives Madonna a free pass?

Nicole Confirms It: She’s Pregnant!

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nicolepregs080107-copy.jpgBig surprise! Nicole has made it official, telling ABC’s Diane Sawyer in an interview that she is four months pregnant with boyfriend Joel Madden‘s baby. Add that to the list of “Very Obvious Things The World Already Knew.” You know, like:

  • Today is August 1st.
  • It is Summer.
  • Lindsay Lohan‘s new movie is bad.
  • No one listens to Good Charlotte anymore.

Nicole also pledged remorse for her recent DUI that has landed her with three days of jail time to serve. She told Sawyer, “I have a responsibility and it’s something that I did wrong, and if I could personally apologize to every single person that has lost a loved one from drunk driving I would. And unfortunately I can’t, but this is my way of paying my dues and taking responsibility and being an adult.”

Guess there’s no better time than the present to learn about responsibility and being an adult. Er, especially when you’ll be a mom in five months. But seriously, CONGRATULATIONS! [Image: Getty]

Wednesday: Paris Moves Out and On; Lindsay’s Bodyguard Turns Down Cash for Secrets

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paris80107.jpgParis To Sell Home, Stripper Pole
Perhaps looking for a fresh start, Paris has put her Hollywood Hills home up for sale for $4.25 million. The stripper pole and the monkey cage come at an extra charge. [A Socialite's Life]

Angelina Loses Battle Over Baby Name
The actress tried to sue a perfume maker who wanted to name a scent Shiloh, coincidentally the same name as her youngest daughter. Angie may win most battles (rightJen Aniston?) but she lost this one, and the case has been dropped. [DListed]

Brit: Threatened to Kill Photog?
Two paparazzi have come forward to accuse the star of verbally threatening them. Brit allegedly yelled, “I’m gonna kill you!” She forgot to mention it’d be by forcing them to listen to her music. [Us Magazine]

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How It Feels To Be Poison’d

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As previously noted, on Saturday, July 28, two of the writers of the VH1.com blog attended the Poison concert at the PNC Bank Arts Center in Holmdel, N.J. It was, in a phrase, nothing but a good time. Here’s Jonathan Durbin on the live Poison’d experience.

  • “Look what New Jersey dragged in!” shouted Bret Michaels during the opening salvo of Poison’s headlining show in Holmdel, New Jersey. He shouted it to the tune of “Look What the Cat Dragged In.” Which they were playing. Loudly. The band was backed by explosions of green flame and showers of fireworks. Michaels wore True Religion jeans and generally looked like he’d been shopping on Melrose Avenue in L.A. West Coast rock stars are so into showing everybody the stitching on their clothes. What’s up with that?
  • The video projections behind the band included graphics from the band’s new album sleeve, Poison’d (featuring a female mouth with green lipstick, suggestively tonguing the band’s logo). At other times, the video featured abstract computer-generated art that was somehow reminiscent of a trip through a very long ear canal. Also: Flames. Flames were very popular.
  • Three members of Poison wore Poison T-shirts. The other, bassist Bobby Dall, wore a Venture Bros. T-shirt, a promotional item for a show on the Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim.
  • Bobby’s affinity for cartoons didn’t stop the blonde behind me from digging her elbows into my back in a whole-hearted attempt to climb over me, past security and onto the stage where she could worship him properly.
  • Bret changed headgear frequently. He started with the bandanna look, graduated to the woven straw cowboy hat and moved from there to a black leather number. Interesting to note: The hat was the element of his style most frequently appropriated by female fans. The guys seemed more into singing along with the songs. Particular favorites were “I Want Action” and “Nothin’ But a Good Time.” He dedicated the latter to New Jersey. Literally. He said, “New Jersey, this is your song!” New Jersey seemed to agree.
  • New Jersey also agreed with “Every Rose Has Its Thorn.” During the power-ballad-to-end-all power ballads, audience members held aloft lighters and cell phones, casting the entire arena in an oddly soothing blue-orange light.
  • Backstage, meanwhile, cascades of sparks spewed from the rafters for a waterfall effect. That was one of the pyrotechnic effects that Bret’s manager had warned us about. She had asked us not to wander around backstage because we might burn our faces off. We didn’t burn our faces off, but there were times where it came close.
  • There were other duck-and-cover moments backstage. Mainly they involved keeping fingers in our ears. The explosions were loud. At other times, I saw stage hands running away from guitarist C.C. DeVille, who had a full-length mirror back there to primp his hair. Run and hide, stage hands! C.C.’s loose!
  • Poison played from 9:30 until 11 p.m. They kept the energy unflaggingly high all evening, which was more than Ratt (who opened). Ratt were loud, but not high-energy. Also, Ratt sound like they’re Irish. Who knew?

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  • Post-show at Bret’s bus, a line of people maybe 25 deep had gathered to meet the man. There were a smattering of busty ladies, a few kids and some of Bret’s friends (like Tony, Bret’s tattoo artist — a wonderful guy). Only a few people were allowed on at a time. When we got onto the bus, we noted that the soundtrack Bret was using to entertain the crowd included songs by the Black Crowes and the Foo Fighters. It begged the question: What do rock stars listen to, exactly? Roadhouse rock, apparently.
  • Bret himself turned out to be a very generous and kind individual. He’s also Internet savvy. He’d been watching to see how many of his VSPOT clips from Rock of Love were in the top 10. How’s that for dedicated?

Click the shots taken during the show for larger versions:

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And, after the jump there’s one more tidbit…

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Tuesday: Usher’s Lady Has Baby Scare; K-Fed Wants the Kids

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kfed073107.jpgBritney Thong Pics Surface
New photos of Britney showin’ her butt in a thong with dancers have popped up all over the web. They’re kinda gross, but at least her pre-buzz cut extensions look good! [DListed]

Usher’s Fiancée: Hospital Visit?
Atlanta is a buzz that Usher’s abandoned fiancée paid a visit to a local hospital with pregnancy pains. But is it just a ploy to get her man’s attention? [NY Daily News]

Linds: Still Starring in Dance Flick
The troubled actress is still scheduled to be a part of her new tango-heavy film Dare to Love Me. It’s a good thing producers are daring to love Linds enough to keep her around. [People]
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Six Degrees of Eddie Murphy’s Love Life

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Eddie Murphy has proposed to his girlfriend of less than a year, Babyface‘s ex-wife Tracey Edmonds. Congratulations, happy couple! Eddie has five kids with his previous wife Nicole Mitchell (they divorced in 2006), and a new baby daughter with former Spice Girl-friend, Melanie Brown. He also has a shady past of picking up transvestite prostitutes. Mel B. told Essence that the pair were set to get married and have the baby, but that she had some issues with the actor, stating, “I’ll simply say that there were lifestyle changes that he would have to make if we were going to live together.” Could she possible be talking about his habit of “helping” hookers? Too bad she’s a classy lady and doesn’t dish the dirt. Mel does reveal that the convo about Eddie’s “lifestyle” then became “a trippy discussion, which ended up where we both refused to budge.” Next thing she knew, their relationship was over and he was with Edmonds.

Whew! Can you follow all that? Just in case you’re as confused as us, we’ve created this helpful little chart detailing the dirt on Eddie’s love life – which comes complete with six kids, a fiancée, two baby mamas and a Babyface – with a little diva sprinkled on top. Kind of nutty, eh Professor? [People, NY Daily News/ Images: Getty]

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news_20×9.gifVH1.com Movies
news_20×9.gifEddie Murphy’s Actor Page

Dressing Up for Poison

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If you’re going to see Poison, New Jersey is the place to do it. That’s what a few of us VH1.com staff members decided, at least, when we hit Jersey’s own PNC Bank Arts Center on Saturday (July 28) to catch Bret Michaels & Co. The spectacle didn’t end on the stage, though (look for a review of the concert in this space later) — the attendees were more than equipped to rock your world right along with the band. Check out a gallery of our favorite looks from the crowd after the jump. Here’s a teaser:

Oh yeah. It’s like that.

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