Britney to be Perfect Party Host

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It’s been almost nine months since Britney kicked K-Fed to the curb and busted out her short-lived spell of hotness. Since then we’ve been anxiously awaiting her comeback, which has instead been one big letdown made up of rehab, buzzcuts and cheeseball tattoos. But Spears may have an opportunity to put a new face forward on August 31st, when she hosts the Las Vegas opening of the LAX nightclub at the Luxure Hotel.

We can almost see it now (cue dream sequence music): Britney – with set of hair extensions that costs more that $10 – appears in an actual bra and a dress that fits, and spends the night skipping the booze for energy drinks. Her fake nails have been buffed down and her ratty flips flops have been replaced with a nice pair of Louboutins. She discreetly chews Nicorette and only dons a cowboy hat for a few minutes, when the DJ plays "Cotton Eyed Joe". She then gracefully exits the soiree to enjoy a dinner of Cheetos and fine caviar. Make it happen Brit – dreams can come true (specifically, mine)!

Faith Hill and the Magic of Touch Ups

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Check out that picture of Faith Hill and she’s lookin’ pretty darn fine for a millionaire mom of three who’s about to turn the big 4-0. She’s even on the cover of Redbook this month! Anddddd that’s where her trouble begins. Jezebel got their hands on the original version of Faith’s cover photo prior to it being touched up with the magical tools that only magazines and wizards possess, and holy Hollywood standards are the results horrifying. The more you look at the touched up cover picture, the more you’ll wonder why we as a society like our celebs to look like straight-up aliens. If the difference in her arm’s shape and size isn’t enough to freak you out, check out her eyes, her back, her posture and, oh, her disappearing hand.  Faith was way better looking before she went under the digital knife, crow’s feet and all.

It’s not just Redbook – touching up has been a normal practice at mags since, like, forever. Just imagine the work that goes into getting rid of Lindsay Lohan‘s under-eye bags and coke nose! Sure, this practice speaks to a larger problem in our culture of misleading images and unreal body expectations. But you know what – I kind of don’t care. I’ll still hungrily buy my beloved fashion mags every month. Because if I can’t ogle at glossy, perfect pics of celebs and then feel bad about my arm fat, is life really even worth living?

Paris: Back To Sing. Sing!

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Ladies and gentlemen, guard your eardrums: Paris Hilton is prepping another album. Certainly, this qualifies as threatening us with a good time, right?

She’s revealed that she’s already in discussions with Timbaland foe Scott Storch, who produced much of her first abomination album. An anonymous source reveals that Paris has been taking voice lessons and is "really serious about her music career." So serious, in fact that she harps on it with the tenacity of a zombie. Here’s what Paris said to E! regarding her sophomore hump:

"I’m already working on my new record. I’ve been in meetings with Scott [Storch] and we’ve been working on it. I’ve been working on it with Scott for a few weeks."

Got that everyone? She’s working on it, she’s working on it, annnnnnd, she’s working on it. It’s comforting that someone with so much to say is making pop music. She’s finally making good on the philanthropy she promised when she was in jail! [E! News]

Tour Survival Guide: Finger Eleven

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Now and then our Tour Survival Guide will check in with rockers about life on the road. Here’s guitarist James Black on how puppies and towels keep Finger Eleven touring.

Video Games Can Be Hazardous to Your Tour
Our other guitar player Rick broke his hand playing video games when we were touring on the last record. He got killed in the game, punched the wall of the bus and broke his hand. It f*cked the tour up for him for a couple weeks. We play four against four usually, and it gets aggressive. Once a year goes by [on the road] you start to put personal touches on everything you do in the game because you’re genuinely angry at the person. But that’s eight months from now.

Bath Towels: The Ultimate Rock Star Extravagance
We ask for seven to nine towels. Sometimes you show up and they give you these little square, face towels. It’s gotta be a nice clean towel — I’d love a bath towel. Usually it’s a hair towel sized-thing. Sometimes [I steal towels from the hotel], if it’s nice and soft, it’s like "I gotta take this." There’s a drawer in our bus for those towels.

Read more…

Bridget & Giselle: Baby Mama’s Revenge!

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All’s fair in love, war and pregnancy – or at least that’s what supermodel Giselle Bundchen is learning. Her boyfriend, Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, is about to become a father with his ex-girlfriend, actress Bridget Moynihan. As if that’s not enough to tick a lady off, Bridget is set to pop out their son on Giselle’s birthday this Friday. Apparently Giselle’s anger is bubbling over and the way too good looking couple have been spotted having major spats in public. Boo hoo hoo. Stop your crying, you big, perfectly proportioned baby! You make millions of dollars prancing around in underwear and have a track record of only dating super-hot guys. Not everything’s gonna go your way all the time. Oh yeah, we almost forgot – Happy Birthday! [NY Post]

Comic Catfight: Jon Lovitz vs. Andy Dick

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Fights in Hollywood are nothing out of the ordinary, but when it’s two comedians busting heads, something is definitely goin’ down! Take the latest run-in between SNL alum Jon Lovitz and infamous addict and all-around crazy guy Andy Dick at LA comedy club the Laugh Factory. Jamie Masada, owner of the club, described the beatdown: "Jon picked Andy up by the head and smashed him into the bar four or five times, and blood started pouring out of his nose." Wow – it sounds just like a really bad fight in some crappy comedy movie.

Sadly there’s nothing funny about the history behind the battle. Lovitz blames Dick for the death of his BFF, funnyman Phil Hartman,
for it was Andy who hooked up Hartman’s wife Brynn with cocaine after
she had been sober for ten years (a moved that reportedly angered Phil). She then killed Hartman and herself a
few months later. When Lovitz later filled his late friend’s shoes on News Radio,
he "told Andy, ‘I wouldn’t be here now if you hadn’t given Brynn that
cocaine.’ "

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Tangled Up In Bob

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The first clips from the much-talked about Bob Dylan biopic I’m Not There have leaked, and Cate Blanchett’s Bob impression is downright spooky. The scene imagines the first meeting between Dylan and Allen Ginsberg, played by David Cross. Blanchett’s one of six actors depicting the Voice of a Generation, along with Christian Bale, Heath Ledger and Richard Gere. The film was supposed to hit theaters in September, but rumor has it that it will probably be delayed until next year.

Rock of Love: Rockin’ Drunken Extra

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You probably don’t remember Faith faith from the first episode of Rock of Love. Pretty and sweet-voiced, she didn’t make herself known by humping Bret, playing with her boobs, bickering with the other girls or general drunkenness. Until now (at least in the last case — we’re still holding out for a nipple tweak).

The unaired clip below features Faith tipsily stumbling around the house with no other girls in sight (maybe they’d all passed out at this point?). She cheerfully threatens us with a good time ("Do you want a reality? Seriously?") and then delivers, going from pleasant to belligerent over the course of the mesmerizing 6-minute clip. The highlight comes a suddenly camera-shy Faith demands that a crew member stop "promoting" her. "Do you have any insanity to you? Do you have any humanity to you? Is that collaborative to you? It is." It would appear that ain’t bitch no bad enough to step front in her face, either.

Anyway, this clip reiterates two things that we already knew: 1) Drunk girls rule. 2) Rock of Love could very well be the reason that television was invented. Enjoy.

G’Day Mate: Meet Paris’ New Aussie Beau

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Paris was spotted getting cuddly (and sandy) on the beach in Malibu this weekend with an Australian surfer named Tyler Atkins. The pair played with the heiress’ new puppy and examined tattoos on Tyler’s body before supposedly making out like crazy. In true Paris form she rocked a bikini and big black heels, tip toeing along that fine line between rich LA girl hot and drag queen hot.

Atkins is a 21-year old Australian t-shirt designer who is pals with Paris’ surfing instructor – the same guy who is also dating her BFF. He basically looks like a Down Under knockoff of Stavros. To really get to know this surfer dude, check out his MySpace page and these two YouTube interviews (linked below), in which he says "heavy" ten thousand times and dishes on his move to LA, the time he got busted at the airport with traces of cocaine on his guitar, and the famous young starlet who drugged him and "forced" him into a threesome. Any guesses on who that might be?

Dad Rock: Eyelined Rockers and Their New Additions

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Gc Good Charlotte rocker (and alleged Nicole Richie babydaddy) Joel Madden has finally put everyone’s mind at ease and addressed the biggest rumor that’s circulating these days: he’s never even heard of the baby boutique Petit Tresor. The boutique was early on cited as the source point for the the near-hysterical speculation as to whether Madden’s waifish girlfriend Nicole Richie is pregant or not. Madden goes on to mention he hasn’t smoked in a week. Thanks for nothing, Joel.

In actual baby news, Killers frontman Brandon Flowers became a dad on Saturday when his wife Tana gave birth to a boy, whose name has not been released. Both mother and baby are reportedly doing well, and Flowers is said to be "thrilled."