Courtney Love Fails to Assure Internets of Her Sanity

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Courtney LoveChronically verbose alterna-rocker Courtney Love continues to murder the English language on her MySpace blog. The former Hole singer’s lengthy screeds on her falling out with Drew Barrymore, her lackluster solo record and her love of gay men are buttressed by her claim that she was the world’s first celebrity blogger (“iwas talking to poeple on the net when AOL first started !!!!fST f*ckit i was the first celeb blogger end of story, ical;led it posting however!”) and further explanations for the clownish condition of her lips and lower face (“i OWN THIS, did a trout mouth, with a subtsnce that doesnt fade, so it takes surgery to restore my face to natural, i feel like m,y mouth is too big still so im gonna have to go back and RESTORE it to NATURAL”). If you’re interested in reading a nice precis, Idolator has you covered. If you’re interested in reading her writing in its entirety, we suggest you invest in Advil, block off a few hours and hire a translator.

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Entering Yellowville: It’s Simpsons Time

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Crack a few Duffs tonight, the movie opens tomorrow! Need a last minute ramp-up so you can look sharp around the watercooler? NP. After you’re done checking a bunch of clips from the flick, you can see who Matt Groening says inspired Marge’s hairstyle. Then you can watch a string of videos by artists and bands who have been on The Simpsons TV show, and you can see which of those shows had the coolest endings, and then you check Homer’s battle with a naked, club-wielding, 17th century fertility god, and then you can see how Marge and the girls become fashionistas.

And if you’re the ultimate Springfield nerd, dive into the big-ass marketing plan that Fox unleashed on the world. See you in the popcorn line tomorrow with these celebs.

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R. Kelly’s Expanding His “Closet”

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Can you hear that light drum roll? It’s the opening crescendo of R. Kelly’s “Trapped in the Closet,” and if it’s ringing in your ears, it’s for a reason: Kells has prepped 10 new chapters of his R&B melodrama to be released Aug. 21 on DVD. The tangled web, which often feels as if it was made up as Kelly went along, features the singer narrating as the character “Sylvester” and is the campiest contribution to American R&B since…well, Sylvester. The future installments will feature R. Kelly assuming a new role in addition to that of Sylvester: he’ll play a beard-wearing, potbellied old man named Randolph. There’s no word on further plot developments: whether Gwendolyn is going to beat Cathy’s wig-wearing ass or if Chuck, Rufus and Cathy can settle their bisexual love triangle (that “chapter” he performed at the 2005 VMAs never did surface) or if we’ll have to endure 10 more rounds of the same damn melody and instrumentation. Mostly, we’re like Idolator: we just want to know what happened to the midget.

Of course, the true cliffhanger hinges on whether, after two years, people will still care about this complicated nonsense. For now all we can do is shake our heads dissapprovingly, much like Sylvester did as he watched Chuck, Rufus and Cathy duke it out in the then-final chapter. [Billboard]

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The Lohans Strike Back with “the Truth”

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lindsaypants072607.jpgLast night Entertainment Tonight featured a “Lohan Family Insider,” Gina Glockman, who gave us Lilo’s side of what went down on that fateful Monday night. Her chat session included the following deets:

  • Lindsay was having a gathering at her house, when she started sipping the booze. Glockman claims several people reported that she wasn’t drinking…but alcohol ankle bracelets don’t lie. Neither do breathalyzers.
  • Tarin, the assistant, came into the house looking disheveled like she had been crying, and Lindsay got “concerned.” Concerned that someone had discovered her off the wagon?
  • The car chase was followed by an argument in a parking lot. Apparently there were numerous people present, but the cops supposedly focused in on Lindsay. They also “strong-armed” her into the breathalyzer test.
  • The greatest part of the whole interview: The coke found in her pants pocket was NOT Lindsay’s, because she was wearing someone else’s pants.

I mean, it’s fine to make excuses for the girl, but someone else’s pants? Didn’t everyone use that excuse at 16? That’s like second to “the dog at my homework” on the lame excuse scale. And does this mean she was partying without pants? That’s not just “off the wagon” behavior, it’s plain creepy. [Entertainment Tonight / Image: Getty]

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Nicole to Reveal All – or Nothing – in Interview

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nicolerichie072607.jpgFinally! Nicole Richie wants to spill the beans about her summer in hiding. The skinny star will be interviewed by Diane Sawyer in segments that will appear next week on Good Morning America and 20/20. Hopefully Diane won’t go easy on Nicole, but in case she throws softballs at the starlet – “Nicole, the world is dying to know… How do you do your hair?” – here are some questions for the anchor to toss at the tiny mom-to-be:

  • Is driving the wrong way on the highway fun? Honestly, it is, right?
  • Seriouslyis Ashlee Simpson pregnant?
  • What’s up with that skunk on Joel Madden‘s head?
  • Who’s prettier – Hilary or Haylie Duff?
  • You’ve already named your dog Honeychild. Are going to call your baby MolassesPuppy?
  • Was feuding with Paris Hilton like being a vacation from stupidity?
  • The world is dying to know… How do you do your hair? [Image: Getty]

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Kelly Rowland is “Chocolate and Beautiful”

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kellyrowland072607.jpgThe former Destiny’s Child crooner reveals her past insecurities in next month Essence magazine, telling the rag:

“I remember wishing I was more fair-skinned, but Tina Knowles, Beyoncé‘s mom, would say, ‘Don’t you know how beautiful you are?’ She made me come into my brown beauty. I didn’t get it, but now I do. I am chocolate and beautiful and loving it.”

We’re loving it too Kelly! It’s so nice to see someone have a “You go girl!” moment amidst all the other messes of ladies out there. If only you could pass some of that self-esteem along…Hm, if you can turn it into a powder maybe LiLo will snort it! [NY Post / Image: Getty]

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Beyoncé to Gossips: Kiss My Grits

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Beyoncé is beautiful (and for that matter, bootylicious) no matter what they say, but it turns out that words can get her down. And for that reason, the much-scrutinized diva stays off the blogs. Says Bey:

Sometimes I’ll run across certain things, usually in the paper, because I read the paper more so than the Web. There’s one or two sites that I can go to. But if I go on the Internet and try to see what people are saying, I’ll probably want to crawl under a rock. (Laughs.) Because I’m still human and certain things, it just hurts, so I try not to read the Internet too much.

It’s always ridiculous when superstars feel the need to remind us that they’re human, as though they think that we think that their synergy of incredible luck and skill has somehow altered their DNA. Besides that, Bey, who’s one of the most guarded and least-revealing divas that pop music has ever seen, is definitely going for the self-humanizing angle here. While it could very well be true, this plea of vulnerability has about the emotional resonance of the crocodile tears that flow from her eyes every night she sings “Flaws and All” on stage. Here’s a flaw for you: bad acting. We saw Dreamgirls, Bey. You can’t fool us. (Not that you’re listening or anything.) [AP/Yahoo! / Image credit: Getty]

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Lindsay’s Sister Ali Speaks!

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alilohan072607.jpgThe 13-year old Lohan sister spoke out to 24/Sizzler about her big sister’s latest controversy, and the tiny tween has a lottttt to say. Here’s what Lindsay’s mini-me allegedly wrote in an email:

“…i want everybody to know the truth out there. My mom is a single mom of four children she has always been there for us, she was my mother and father and still is. My father is telling all lies to people and saying he was such a great dad and was always there for us, my father was never there for us, My mom was always there souporting us. i think that the whole reason why my sister is upset with her self and not as cofident, is because of my dad not being around, and always staying out late and not coming home for days, he would come back home never himself, he was always was making excuses for his bad behavior… I’ve wanted to say this for so long and get this out there and let everyone know that our family is like a normal family but of course we are put under a microscope because of lindsays fame, lindsay will be fine she is just going through a rough time right now but she will be fine. i know this for a fact. My sisters is just like a normal sister.”

What an adorable, ‘souportive’ little sis. It’s too bad that she’s barely a teenager and already she’s been sucked into the drama. But as long as she doesn’t let it get to her head – or up her nose – she’ll hopefully turn out okay. Or at least she’ll be ‘cofident’ and not upset with herself. [24/Sizzler / Image: Getty]

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Thursday: Beyoncé Betrayed by Audience; Paris is a Compulsive Dog Shopper

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beyonce072607.jpgBeyoncé Begs Fans to be Nice
After taking a major tumble at her concert in Orlando, Beyoncé begged fans not to put video of her fall on YouTube. They may love her music, but they sure don’t listen to the diva’s demands! [NY Post]

Ashlee Simpson: Baby Bump Alert?
Is the younger Simpson sister following in Nicole Richie’s footsteps? There’s no baby bump to spot, but the rumors still won’t die. [X17]

Brangelina: Family Time in France
The hot couple and their kid clan hung with pal Marianne Pearl before jetting off on a ten day vacation. Expect some European adorableness to ensue. [People]

Read more…