Monday: Jessica Flubs Lyrics; Eva’s $2 Million Richer


Britney: Slacks Off on Secret Show
The washed up starlet is scheduled to surprise fans with a performance at Cyndi Lauper’s June 30th "True Colors" tour, but she was a no show at her dancer auditions. Too busy buying birds, perhaps? [People]

Diaz P*sses Off Entire Country
Peruvians are outraged at the Shrek star for wearing a bag while visiting the country that featured a famous slogan by notorious Communist leader Mao, who inspired guerrilla warfare in Peru that killed thousands. [MSNBC]

Jessica Effs Up Dolly Song – Again
After flubbing the lyrics at a December benefit, Simpson tried once again to rock out Dolly Parton’s hit "Nine to Five", but she messed up second time. Apparently numbers and words really throw the blond beauty off. [NY Daily News]

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The Weekly Wrap-Up: Lindsay’s Party, Clay’s Broadway Show, Paris’ New Life


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Blog Best-Of: Saaphyri’s Sexy


Saaphyri_links- Saaphyri attends the BET Awards looking hot. See what Charm School can do for your image? [CONCRETELOOP]

- It’s official: Eddie Murphy is the father of Melanie Brown‘s baby. He’s going from Father Dolittle to Daddy Day Care. [Dlisted]

- Akon is named the highest-selling ringtone artist of all time. Next up? Customized cell-phone vibrations for the ladies. You know how he gets down. [Idolator]

- Matt Lauer looks like he’s interviewing Pam Anderson‘s crotch. It’s home to much more insight than her mouth. [CityRag]

[Image credit: Getty]

You Respond, We Respond


Bullhornclipart6Every Friday, we run down a few of the comments this blog has received in the past week. This gives us a chance to respond and that’s what the VH1 Blog is all about: leaving no keen insight behind. That’s how much we love you.

From Britney: Keeping Mom Away From Kids?:


We say: Just so you know, we aren’t Britney Spears. But if we were, we would definitely be just moving our eyes across the monitor while someone else read your message and then moving our fingers across the keyboard, while someone else typed for us. It’s not enough to just lip-synch anymore — you have to eye-synch and finger-synch, too.

From The Cult of Clay Aiken:

Leanne Says: "So gay he’s walking around in a coat of flames. No one would mind dude! Just come out already!"

We say: We couldn’t have said it better ourselves. But also we wouldn’t have said it better ourselves — we’re scared of the wrath of Claymates. It’s kind of like the wrath of Khan except all the outfits are from Wal-Mart, not outer space.

From Celebrity Fit Club: Men Vs. Women Recap – Episode 8 – Fit To Say Bye:

dkjfvhkajbvkdjbvlkdfjbvlkdfbv Says: "i dont like you dustin at all!!!!!!!!!im suprised yall havent killed him yet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

We say: dkjfvhkajbvkdjbvlkdfjbvlkdfbv, you just gave us the best idea for a spin-off: Celebrity Hit Club. James Gandolfini isn’t doing anything these days, right?

From Paris Writes Fans, Gabs for Bucks & Kills Her Cat:

Ozcan Says: "See, that just makes me really mad (I was going to phrase it like the girls from Charm School). The Today show is giving her $1 million dollars, and it just makes me angry that we have other stuff in this world that need that money, like RESEARCH FOR AIDS AND BREAST CANCER."

We say: We’re bummed that you didn’t go for it and write your comment in Charm School-speak, Ozcan. Here, we’ll do it for you: "See, that just makes my ass really mad-ass (my ass was going to phrase it like those asses from Charm School). The Today-ass show is giving her $1 million-ass
dollars, and it just makes my ass angry that we have other-ass stuff in this-ass
world that need that money, like RESEARCH FOR AIDS AND BREAST AND ASS CANCER."

From The Fantasy Interview – Larissa:

Diamond Says: "yal need to stop hatin on bootz/larissa cuz she prettier than all of you bitches and bitches yall need to get ur facts straight she aint near fake hoe so yall need to get yall s*** straight if yall gon try to dog somebody on the internet and yes this to all yall jealous bitches that is hatin on her and Ms. Larissa I don’t give no f*** what Mo said you don’t act like a child bitch she is jus hatin jus like tha rest of them hatin hoes…"

We say: Ass.

Lindsay: Lo-Lamb (of God)


Lindsay Lohan‘s rarely lucid father Michael has revealed that part of Lindsay’s rehabilitation has involved finding God. "Lindsay has found this righteous path because she’s going to church and that’s a good sign," he recently told The Insider. Is that incense or the smell of wishful thinking in the air? And really, the idea of a pious Lindsay is a hell of a lot more frightening than a hedonistic Lindsay. How will it be possible for her to reconcile her firecrotch with her faith?

Though maybe the religious turn provides a decent excuse for her choice to play rehab hooky and enjoy a day at the beach. She’s just taking in God’s green earth, right? [Us]

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Hilton’s Handwriting Analyzed



It was only a matter of time until a handwriting expert took a look at this mess of words, and you’ll love what she has to say. According to Jezebel-enlisted "graphologist" Sheila Kurtz, Paris’ handwriting and childlike signature reveal that she is apparently a "shy loner" with similarities to Michael Jackson. Amazing!

Sheila says: "Her signature is cutesy-showy, which is how she wants the world to see
her. She consciously writes little hearts as dots over the i’s, a
typical childish gesture by people who wish to call attention to
themselves, to be in the spotlight."

Click here to read all the other crazy things Paris’ handwriting reveals!

Kim Kardashian Loves Paris, Hot Men


Kim Kardashian
, the world’s hottest nobody, chatted with the NY Daily News on Monday night at hot spot Marquee, and gushed about her locked up BFF Paris Hilton. "I am praying for her and I love her to death," the sex tape star said. What else is Kim praying for? Some hot booty action, apparently. On Wednesday she and pal Britney Gastineau showed up at a jewelry line launch party, on the hunt for some man blood. "She begged people to introduce her to Pharrell Williams, but she couldn’t get through the women around him, so she settled for Fabolous," said a Page Six source.

So what if Kim can’t score right now? Just give her, like, 15 years. She’ll be the finest cougar on the block.

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Rock of Love: The Casting Special


Here’s your first chance to catch some of the Rock of Love with Bret Michaels girls in action: below is video footage of the show’s casting. The boob-ified clip would make self-proclaimed breast-man Bret proud. Included is one girl’s tale of her brush with sex slavery. Another talks about a 10-person orgy she took part in. There’s also a PTA member who can make her boobs move independently, and a tatted-up mom who goes into detail about what she calls her "midget fetish." Wild. It’s too early to say, but Rock of Love may be embarking on a new frontier of sexual openness.

Rock of Love with Bret Michaels premieres July 15 at 9/8 c on VH1.

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How Rich People Entertain Themselves


Brit "It" couple Pete Doherty and Kate Moss are back with another installment of their intermittent broadcast, playing the same song they did last time (wherein they declare "Sonny and Cher we ain’t." Indeed.), only this time dressed in military uniforms. The song’s actually pretty catchy, except for Kate laying on the expletives. In other Kate n’ Pete news, Pete "Never Met a Needle He Didn’t Like" Doherty will release his junkie diaries in the form of "Book of Albion," featuring the following prediction for the pair’s nuptials: "Smack and needle-free we shall marry in the summer and I become 10 times happier than any given smackhead. Huzzah!" The book will also include a love note from Kate: "You have touched my heart and soul you little f**ker . . . You make me high my sweet. My skin shivers and longs to be held by you." Hate to see what she puts in her kid’s lunchbox.

Britney: Keeping Mom Away From Kids?


This is possibly the best Britney rumor we’ve heard in a longgggg time. X17 is reporting that the starlet’s visit to an attorney’s office yesterday may be her first step in obtaining a restraining order against her mother! Apparently their reconciliation is not going that well, and a still bitter Britney wants to keep Lynne Spears away from her grandchildren. All’s fair in love, war and family drama!

Meanwhile, Brit’s representative has revealed that her comeback album release date has been pushed back to 2008, which means more time for her to do ridiculous things, like wearing matching shorts with her assistant (complimented by pink snow boots, natch) while buying a pet bird. Who needs an album when we’ve got craziness to enjoy?

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