You Respond, We Respond

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Bullhornclipart6Every Friday, we run down a few of the comments this blog has received in the past week. This gives us a chance to respond and that’s what the VH1 Blog is all about: leaving no keen insight behind. That’s how much we love you.

From Britney: Keeping Mom Away From Kids?:

STUPID GIRL Says: "GIRL U REALLY R CRAZY.. U NEED TO HAVE RESPECT.. SHE PUT U IN REHAB CAUSE B^ITCH U NEEDED IT.. I BET SHE HASNT DROPPED UR KIDS YET.. THEY PROBABLY LIKE HER BETTER THAN U !! U LIPSYNCHING RETARD!!"

We say: Just so you know, we aren’t Britney Spears. But if we were, we would definitely be just moving our eyes across the monitor while someone else read your message and then moving our fingers across the keyboard, while someone else typed for us. It’s not enough to just lip-synch anymore — you have to eye-synch and finger-synch, too.

From The Cult of Clay Aiken:

Leanne Says: "So gay he’s walking around in a coat of flames. No one would mind dude! Just come out already!"

We say: We couldn’t have said it better ourselves. But also we wouldn’t have said it better ourselves — we’re scared of the wrath of Claymates. It’s kind of like the wrath of Khan except all the outfits are from Wal-Mart, not outer space.

From Celebrity Fit Club: Men Vs. Women Recap – Episode 8 – Fit To Say Bye:

dkjfvhkajbvkdjbvlkdfjbvlkdfbv Says: "i dont like you dustin at all!!!!!!!!!im suprised yall havent killed him yet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

We say: dkjfvhkajbvkdjbvlkdfjbvlkdfbv, you just gave us the best idea for a spin-off: Celebrity Hit Club. James Gandolfini isn’t doing anything these days, right?

From Paris Writes Fans, Gabs for Bucks & Kills Her Cat:

Ozcan Says: "See, that just makes me really mad (I was going to phrase it like the girls from Charm School). The Today show is giving her $1 million dollars, and it just makes me angry that we have other stuff in this world that need that money, like RESEARCH FOR AIDS AND BREAST CANCER."

We say: We’re bummed that you didn’t go for it and write your comment in Charm School-speak, Ozcan. Here, we’ll do it for you: "See, that just makes my ass really mad-ass (my ass was going to phrase it like those asses from Charm School). The Today-ass show is giving her $1 million-ass
dollars, and it just makes my ass angry that we have other-ass stuff in this-ass
world that need that money, like RESEARCH FOR AIDS AND BREAST AND ASS CANCER."

From The Fantasy Interview – Larissa:

Diamond Says: "yal need to stop hatin on bootz/larissa cuz she prettier than all of you bitches and bitches yall need to get ur facts straight she aint near fake hoe so yall need to get yall s*** straight if yall gon try to dog somebody on the internet and yes this to all yall jealous bitches that is hatin on her and Ms. Larissa I don’t give no f*** what Mo said you don’t act like a child bitch she is jus hatin jus like tha rest of them hatin hoes…"

We say: Ass.

Lindsay: Lo-Lamb (of God)

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Lindsay Lohan‘s rarely lucid father Michael has revealed that part of Lindsay’s rehabilitation has involved finding God. "Lindsay has found this righteous path because she’s going to church and that’s a good sign," he recently told The Insider. Is that incense or the smell of wishful thinking in the air? And really, the idea of a pious Lindsay is a hell of a lot more frightening than a hedonistic Lindsay. How will it be possible for her to reconcile her firecrotch with her faith?

Though maybe the religious turn provides a decent excuse for her choice to play rehab hooky and enjoy a day at the beach. She’s just taking in God’s green earth, right? [Us]

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Hilton’s Handwriting Analyzed

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It was only a matter of time until a handwriting expert took a look at this mess of words, and you’ll love what she has to say. According to Jezebel-enlisted "graphologist" Sheila Kurtz, Paris’ handwriting and childlike signature reveal that she is apparently a "shy loner" with similarities to Michael Jackson. Amazing!

Sheila says: "Her signature is cutesy-showy, which is how she wants the world to see
her. She consciously writes little hearts as dots over the i’s, a
typical childish gesture by people who wish to call attention to
themselves, to be in the spotlight."

Click here to read all the other crazy things Paris’ handwriting reveals!

Kim Kardashian Loves Paris, Hot Men

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Kim Kardashian
, the world’s hottest nobody, chatted with the NY Daily News on Monday night at hot spot Marquee, and gushed about her locked up BFF Paris Hilton. "I am praying for her and I love her to death," the sex tape star said. What else is Kim praying for? Some hot booty action, apparently. On Wednesday she and pal Britney Gastineau showed up at a jewelry line launch party, on the hunt for some man blood. "She begged people to introduce her to Pharrell Williams, but she couldn’t get through the women around him, so she settled for Fabolous," said a Page Six source.

So what if Kim can’t score right now? Just give her, like, 15 years. She’ll be the finest cougar on the block.

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Rock of Love: The Casting Special

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Here’s your first chance to catch some of the Rock of Love with Bret Michaels girls in action: below is video footage of the show’s casting. The boob-ified clip would make self-proclaimed breast-man Bret proud. Included is one girl’s tale of her brush with sex slavery. Another talks about a 10-person orgy she took part in. There’s also a PTA member who can make her boobs move independently, and a tatted-up mom who goes into detail about what she calls her "midget fetish." Wild. It’s too early to say, but Rock of Love may be embarking on a new frontier of sexual openness.

Rock of Love with Bret Michaels premieres July 15 at 9/8 c on VH1.

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How Rich People Entertain Themselves

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Brit "It" couple Pete Doherty and Kate Moss are back with another installment of their intermittent broadcast, playing the same song they did last time (wherein they declare "Sonny and Cher we ain’t." Indeed.), only this time dressed in military uniforms. The song’s actually pretty catchy, except for Kate laying on the expletives. In other Kate n’ Pete news, Pete "Never Met a Needle He Didn’t Like" Doherty will release his junkie diaries in the form of "Book of Albion," featuring the following prediction for the pair’s nuptials: "Smack and needle-free we shall marry in the summer and I become 10 times happier than any given smackhead. Huzzah!" The book will also include a love note from Kate: "You have touched my heart and soul you little f**ker . . . You make me high my sweet. My skin shivers and longs to be held by you." Hate to see what she puts in her kid’s lunchbox.

Britney: Keeping Mom Away From Kids?

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This is possibly the best Britney rumor we’ve heard in a longgggg time. X17 is reporting that the starlet’s visit to an attorney’s office yesterday may be her first step in obtaining a restraining order against her mother! Apparently their reconciliation is not going that well, and a still bitter Britney wants to keep Lynne Spears away from her grandchildren. All’s fair in love, war and family drama!

Meanwhile, Brit’s representative has revealed that her comeback album release date has been pushed back to 2008, which means more time for her to do ridiculous things, like wearing matching shorts with her assistant (complimented by pink snow boots, natch) while buying a pet bird. Who needs an album when we’ve got craziness to enjoy?

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Paris: Excited to Start “New Life”

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The locked up heiress used her one hour of freedom to chat with Ryan Seacrest yesterday, and got personal on how she’s doing, what’s gotten her through and what she plans to do when she’s released. From what she says, it sounds like we’re gonna see a Paris in rags, ditching her Balenciaga bag for a recycled canvas tote and dumping Nicole and Kim for Gandhi and Mandela. But once she tastes the freedom of shopping at Kitson and cutting the line at Hyde, she’ll probably be back to her old ways.

What Paris said:
"I’ve had a lot of alone time to think and read and write. Even though
it’s been horrible and really hard, I think that God makes everything
happen for a reason and this is my time to figure out what my purpose
is in life…I just feel that my life was going really fast…And the craziness of it all, sort of living in a superficial world. Now that I’ve been here and I’ve been seeing life through different
eyes—just getting letters from all around the world—I have a lot of
compassion for things that are going on around me that are so much more
important than things I ever thought about."

Check out more excerpts from her interview here. [E Online]

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Tour Survival Guide: Fiction Plane

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Now and then our Tour Survival Guide will check in with rockers about life on the road. Here’s Fiction Plane‘s lead singer Joe Sumner, currently on tour with the Police, on buccaneering, Wendy’s and Dave Navarro

Jack Sparrow Envy
We [asked for] plastic swords and eye patches for acting like pirates. We put on our eye patches, brandished our swords and went around going "Arrrr!" I kept hold of the sword for a few days. We’ve only gotten them once — it happened in Vancouver. They’ve got no problem providing you with fifty bottles of Jack Daniels if you want it, but plastic swords, they’re like, "No! You’ll get it once. Then suffer in swordlessness."

Like Swimming, No Eating Two Hours Before Playing
We had traveled from Ohio to Wisconsin. There was terrible traffic and we didn’t have time to get any food, so right at the last minute we got Wendy burgers and stuffed them into our faces. It didn’t feel good. I’ve got a two-hour rule now. I think I cramped up at one point. No eating two hours before, even if I’m hungry.

Read more…

Oh No They Didn’t: Friday’s Review Rage

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Every week we round up selections from the funniest, most obscene and brutal film criticism out there so that you know not to blow your cash at the theaters and laugh a little at Hollywood’s expense. This week: Steve Carell’s Midas touch finally turns to tin (silly, expensive, self-righteous and religious tin at that) in Evan Almighty.

"The movie suggests, quite frankly, that God’s nothing more than a son of a bitch who’s willing to drown thousands of people . . . . Rather than use Evan as a vessel to warn innocent people about impending disaster, God turns the poor guy into a Rogaine freak show with a messianic complex toward whom elephants and monkeys migrate." – The Village Voice

"All Ark, No Bite: Biblical spoof is Noah big deal." – The New York Post

"Runs out of comic invention early, and the filmmakers fall back on what . . . politicians do when they exhaust their small stash of ideas: brainless piety." – New York

Read more…