Tour Survival Guide: Fiction Plane

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Now and then our Tour Survival Guide will check in with rockers about life on the road. Here’s Fiction Plane‘s lead singer Joe Sumner, currently on tour with the Police, on buccaneering, Wendy’s and Dave Navarro

Jack Sparrow Envy
We [asked for] plastic swords and eye patches for acting like pirates. We put on our eye patches, brandished our swords and went around going "Arrrr!" I kept hold of the sword for a few days. We’ve only gotten them once — it happened in Vancouver. They’ve got no problem providing you with fifty bottles of Jack Daniels if you want it, but plastic swords, they’re like, "No! You’ll get it once. Then suffer in swordlessness."

Like Swimming, No Eating Two Hours Before Playing
We had traveled from Ohio to Wisconsin. There was terrible traffic and we didn’t have time to get any food, so right at the last minute we got Wendy burgers and stuffed them into our faces. It didn’t feel good. I’ve got a two-hour rule now. I think I cramped up at one point. No eating two hours before, even if I’m hungry.

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Oh No They Didn’t: Friday’s Review Rage

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Every week we round up selections from the funniest, most obscene and brutal film criticism out there so that you know not to blow your cash at the theaters and laugh a little at Hollywood’s expense. This week: Steve Carell’s Midas touch finally turns to tin (silly, expensive, self-righteous and religious tin at that) in Evan Almighty.

"The movie suggests, quite frankly, that God’s nothing more than a son of a bitch who’s willing to drown thousands of people . . . . Rather than use Evan as a vessel to warn innocent people about impending disaster, God turns the poor guy into a Rogaine freak show with a messianic complex toward whom elephants and monkeys migrate." – The Village Voice

"All Ark, No Bite: Biblical spoof is Noah big deal." – The New York Post

"Runs out of comic invention early, and the filmmakers fall back on what . . . politicians do when they exhaust their small stash of ideas: brainless piety." – New York

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Friday: 50 Cent Holds Hands with Princess, Angie Gets the Oscar Buzz Going

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Nick & Vanessa: Talk Wedding Plans?

The two may have been spotted baby shopping for Nick’s niece, but sources say the pair has been heard discussing wedding plans. [Page Sizzler]

50 Cent Gets Close with Princess
50 Cent and Brit Sarah Ferguson,Prince Andrew’s ex, held hands after the rapper’s performance at a NYC concert for Sarah’s charity. We’re sure the Queen would approve – 50′s richer than she is! [TMZ]

Pics: Lindsay Boxes Out the Booze
Lindsay sported boxing gloves and threw down some serious punches while sparring her trainer this week. Wonder whose face she’s pretending to hit? [X17}

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Jake & Reese Were a Couple?

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Jake Gyllenhaal
and Reese Witherspoon have supposedly cooled off their four month long relationship, which may have never even existed in the first place. The two were never really photographed together aside from on the set of their new movie, so there’s no real proof of an actual love match. However a source close to Reece has said, "She has either called it off or is just taking a break," and Jake has reportedly told friends that he is of single status. It’s probably just as well. This pair was way too hot and nice for their own good. They need to divide their powers and go out and make some fuglier celebs more appealing. Like Jake did with Kiki Dunst. You know, community service – Hollywood service.

Blog Best-Of: Isaiah’s Irritation

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Isaiah_links- Isaiah Washington has spoken out on his firing from Grey’s Anatomy again. Since he sounds angrier every time he does, it’s worth following this story: one day his head might actually explode. [Dlisted]

- This Beyoncé and Jay-Z photo is an optical illusion. If you turn your head one way, it looks like she’s kissing him. If you turn your head the other way, it looks like she’s smoking a Camel. [Crunk + Disorderly]

- Lil’ Kim grinds on Young Buck during a concert. Where she used to wear fishnets is now the hose of desperation. [CONCRETELOOP]

- Jessica Biel poses for GQ. Her boyfriend Justin Timberlake, on the other hand, poses as an R&B artist. They found each other! [IDontLikeYouInThatWay]

[Image credit: Getty]

Olsens: Hungry Only for Cash

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The Olsen twins can’t get enough of the green stuff. Yes, lettuce. But also, MONEY. The girls have allegedly been shopping around photos from their birthday party with an asking price of $300,000. Add that to their current net worth, which is somewhere in the $100 million range, and you’ve got…A buttload of dough. MK and Ashley also reportedly asked the guests of their intimate bash – family and close friends – to check their cellphones at the door, ensuring that no secret photos could be snapped that might ruin their chances of netting the big bucks. These two may be awful actresses, but they are financial geniuses. Or just greedy. Same thing? [Image: Getty]

Jessica and Justin Cuddle in Bad Outfits

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The love fest continues as the hot-bodied pair hit Norway holding hands and looking all warm and fuzzy. Jessica even hung out with JT’s mom in Sweden, and they appeared just as close. So with all the love in the air, what’s the problem, you ask? Their ridiculous outfits (click here for pics)! These two are normally some of the best dressed stars out there (see photos, right), but Justin duds out in a pair of jean shorts with plaid trim that wouldn’t have been cool even in his N’Sync days. Jessica, GQ’s July cover model, is barely stunning in a housecoat that Florence Henderson could’ve rocked on The Brady Bunch. Wasn’t she like, the sexiest woman in the world a couple of years ago? Not anymore.

Please, Jess, Justin…Er, Justica. Bring your sexy back!

Ross: From Fit Club to Girls’ Club?

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Is the now-skinny Celebrity Fit Club album Ross Matthews ready to chew the fat with the ladies of The View full-time? That’s the rumor that’s swirling around the seat that Rosie O’Donnell‘s May departure from the show has left vacant. Ross and comedian Mario Cantone are set to guest host the show next month, leading to speculation that a dude might eventually replace Ro. This would effectively end The View panel’s estrogen-only policy. View grand dame Barbara Walters has said that the choice for Rosie’s replacement won’t be revealed until late July, and a mouthpiece for the show says that no offers have been made. Other names batted around have included Whoopi Goldberg and Kathy Griffin.

Isn’t the whole point of The View that it’s a bunch of women sitting around other women, talking out of their women’s mouths and using their women’s brains? Doesn’t having a man on the panel undermine its identity? Even worse: what does adding a dude to the forum who’s as openly…open as Ross or Mario really say? That flamboyant is the new female? [People / Image credit: Getty]

The Cult of Clay Aiken

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Aiken Just when you thought Idol hysteria couldn’t get any more absurd, Idol: The Musical comes along. Slated for an Off Broadway run with previews beginning July 5th, the new musical will focus on a group of students in Steubenville, Ohio who meet daily to share in their worship of Clay Aiken in an abandoned barn that "doubles as a shrine" to Aiken. For real. The play reaches its climax when the midwest leg of the Idol Tour is announced, and along with the usual performances in Chicago and Memphis, there’s a stop in Steubenville as well. No word on how Clive Davis feels on this one…

Paris Writes Fans, Gabs for Bucks & Kills Her Cat

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Apparently 5000 people actually like Paris Hilton. That’s the number of letters the heiress has received while locked up in Lynwood. They must just be all from Nicole Richie asking her what the food’s like. Paris has reportedly been a great pen pal, responding to a bunch of her notes and telling her fans she’s "sad and alone." But don’t let her words fool you. She’s still cold hearted and cruel, according to the latest dirt dished in Page Six. Paris is (possibly) an animal killer! Or at least, that’s what her neighbors are accusing her of today. Seems like they’ll do anything to get the party girl kicked off their block. 

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