On Thursday, Beyoncé unveiled the newest item in her line of ideas to ensure world domination: the B’Phone. It’s said to be designed by Bey herself although that seems unlikely as it does not come with a lace-front wig and is far slimmer than anything you’d expect from her. In short, it is not in her likeness. It includes an MP3 player and, more excitingly, a song that Beyoncé recorded when she was 10! Says Bey:
“When I was 10, I recorded a song called ’632-5792′ — a phone number. It’s a little embarrassing but it’s cute. There’s a recording of that song on the phone exclusively for my fans. I wanted to make sure people got a feel for who I really am. It’s only through this phone that you can get this close to my life.“
Oh yeah, she’s embarrassed all the way to the bank. And also, I don’t think that this gets me close enough to her life so that I can reach out and smack her upside the head for being arrogant enough to think that on my phone I want some prepubescent warbling that she has had lying around in a shoebox for the past 15 years. If the phone doesn’t go, “Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh no no,” then I DO. NOT. WANT.
But here are some pictures of her at the New York unveiling of this worthless piece of crap anyway:
[Billboard / All images: Getty]
Seen what’s going on in the last few weeks of 30 Rock? Jenna‘s weight ballooned because her Broadway role demanded she eat pizza every day. Jack had heart attack that he’s trying to keep secret for corporate advancement reasons. Gay West-Coast careerist Devon Banks hit town to marry the boss’s daughter. Tracy‘s wife dumped him because he’s stone-ass crazy. Loveless Liz bought a wedding dress out of unfounded optimism.
Every week we’ll choose four or five jewels from the latest episode. Do let us know if you’re planning on buying a “Me Want Food” t-shirt.
Liz: What kind of diet is going to do that?
Jenna: It’s the Japanese Porn Star diet. I can only eat paper, but I can eat all the paper I want.
Jack: Banks – what are you doing in town? Drawn to the phallic nature of our skyline?
Tracy: Angie and I said things that can’t be taken back. She called my vanity license plate “inscrutable.” ICU81MI – hilarious!
Janet Jackson‘s career is about to get a face lift unlike any it has seen since she got her…face lift. The big news is that Janet’s next album, which she says should be out early next year, may not end up including any contributions from Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis, the production gods that single-handedly turned her into a megastar by outfitting her with the robotic Minneapolis funk that defined her initial musical success. Starting with 1986′s Control, Jam and Lewis have been Janet’s key collaborators, contributing more to each album since than any other outside producer she enlisted. Together the three of them are R&B Voltron. Today, the robot sleeps.
Janet revealed the news during a press conference for her new film Why Did I Get Married?, when she revealed that Ne-Yo, Rodney Jerkins and (everyone groan all together) Jermaine Durpri are on her list of collaborators, but Jam and Lewis are not…at least for now.
After yesterday’s rash of fake covers for Britney Spears‘ forthcoming Blackout disc (including one “verified” by the always reliable source that is Fox News), one comes along that could really be real. Really! Via ONTD, this one supposedly can be found on Sony BMG’s login-only promo site that services images and album info to media outlets. Of course, the irony of this being the possible official cover is that a) it’s about 10 times uglier and tackier than Cheeto-dusted fingers and b) a fan could have made it. Literally! The main image is just a colorized version of a shot previously used for the U.K. version of the “Gimme More” single:
Look at all that effort! It’s the album-artwork equivalent of that somnambulist performance Britney stumbled through on this year’s VMAs. Or that laughable “Gimme More” video. Or, you know, Britney’s half-hearted attempts to win back her kids. Whatever, at least this project has a theme: sloth.
Bet you Photoshop geniuses have some ideas what the real Brit cover art should look like. Send us some examples to email@example.com and we’ll put them up.
Anniston and Vaughn: Kissing + Hugging?
He’s so tall and she’s so cute. They had to reconcile sometime. But will their meetings lead to love?
Bloom Becomes Hollyweird Accident Star #4723
Dude leaps from sidewalk into some guy’s car, busts up his own ride later in the evening. It’s all good.
Brit’s CD Label Sues Perez Hilton For Leaks
Evidently it’s not cool to leak tracks from the blogosphere’s number one party girl. If you do this, you will talk to lawyers.
Hot in Here: Al Gore Wins Nobel Prize
If you fight the good fight, you will be recognized – unless you’re running for president and you’re counting on Florida.
What Does Baby Borat Look Like?
No, Sascha Baron Cohen’s kid hasn’t been born yet, but mom sure looks like she’s going to drop him/her any day now.
It wasn’t Live Earth or the Dream Concert, just the Jimmy Kimmel show. But Michael Jackson, Prince, Rod Stewart, Stevie Wonder, and Rick James all united on-stage for a throwback disco ditty that may be junk but sure is juicy. Justice, the French electronica outfit, is officially in the house with its new Daft Punk meets The Go! Team workout tune, “D.A.N.C.E.” And you thought that Gorillaz were the only production team working the cartoon character shtick.
Friday morning query: Will you forward this to a friend over the weekend?
Every week we round up selections from the funniest and most brutal film criticism out there so that you don’t waste your cash at the theaters and laugh a little at Hollywood’s expense. This week: In Elizabeth: The Golden Age, Cate Blanchett reprises the role that made her a star. This sequel, however, isn’t going to alter her Q rating. But the clothes are pretty, and in a Hollywood on the verge of a writers’ strike, that’s something.
“It seems Elizabeth’s reign wasn’t so much about resolving matters of the heart, maintaining the love of her people, dealing with her scheming cousin Mary Queen of Scots and defeating the Spanish Armada, so much as wearing the right costume for the right event.” — The Washington Post
“An unholy mixture of the banal and the bombastic.” — New York
Memo: To All Fans of The Office
From: Your Supervising Manager of Office Re-Caps for VH1.com
RE: The Effing Best Moments from Tonight’s Office Episode!!!
Below please find my favorite Office highlights of the evening. Kindly respond to this memo with your picks. Failure to reply will result in your termination from Office fan-ship, as well as a cancellation of our pizza order for today’s
Lunch Lanch Party.
1. Meredith’s crotch cast looked even better with Jim’s signature on it. But it appeared that he signed the name John Krasinksi on her pelvic armor. Just who the hell is that?
Sometimes you see something on the internet that leaves you speechless in a giggly, horrified way. This is one of those things. Watch this video. Then, watch it again. And again. Stare in awe at the sparkly unitard and silver ballet flats. Cringe at the mid-song robot jig. Marvel at the moment when her instrument becomes a gun as she acts out a “scene” from Star Wars. And most importantly, relax and enjoy the sweet off-key wail of her trumpet and smile, knowing that somewhere Stacey Hedger now has a clan of kids who know how to use YouTube. [via BWE]
Poor Bobby Brown! The former boy bander apparently suffered a mild heart attack yesterday, which his rep said was “attributed to stress and diet.” Oddly enough, Bobby went on the radio that day and denied the whole thing, saying “None of it’s true. I don’t know where the heart attack thing came from – I’m just fine.” Er…okay? Then why are there these pics of Bobby taken in the hospital, where he allegedly filmed a goodbye video to his family? Definitely looks fine to us!
So what could have caused his mysterious, possibly life-threatening ailment? His representative claimed stress and diet, so there must be something going on for Bobby to freak out over. I guess we’ll just have to figure it our on our own. Is it…
- More sexy pics of Bobbi Kristina popping up all over the internet?
- Osama Bin Laden coming after him and Whitney again?
- Superhead revealing more secrets about how she and Bobby didn’t sleep together?
- That he’s still stressed out about his decision to leave New Edition?
Then again, maybe Bobby’s just been eating too many donuts. [Getty]
Bobby Brown Artist Info